Getting angry with your kids

October 21, 2009 by Mum Admin
Filed under Mummy care

“Even the renowned parenting author, Dr Spock, admitted to once screeching “shut up” to his baby who screamed all night.” Yes, we all get angry with our kids from time to time and before giving an Islamic perspective on this issue, the topic was brought to mind based on this article from www.Momsmatter.co.za :

WHEN PARENTS HAVE A MELTDOWN

by psychologist Kim Traicos

We all love our children… but every parent has at one point or another lost their temper with their child. This is one of those little parenting secrets we all know. Good moms and dads get angry. Good moms and dads are human. Getting angry with your 3-year-old toddler when they are drawing with chocolate ice cream on your white percale linen is normal.

Anger is a normal reaction when a person reaches their limit. Apparently even the renowned parenting author, Dr Spock, admitted to once screeching “shut up” to his baby who screamed all night. But if this is happening a bit too regularly and you’re becoming aware that you’re getting angry most of the time about any little thing, it’s time to do something about it.

What is anger?

Anger is a very natural emotional reaction to something that is a stress, loss or threat to our actual body or perceived part of ourselves such as self esteem or values for example. Basically it is a normal way of our psyche reacting to not getting its way. We believe we are right about something or want something and if things don’t work out for us we get angry. Counselling psychologist Tiffany Gregson explains that anger involves arousal of areas in the brain that are not really reasonable, rational areas. And because of this our reactions are not always reasonable and rational ones. We have to be able to admit we feel real human emotions and admit we need help for those strong emotions we find hard to control.

Strong anger responses often occur when an individual’s resources are low. Parenting is a 24-hour occupation with very few breaks. The break parents do get is often at work, which is no break at all. Helen, mom to three small boys, found herself screaming at her kids after a cramped day inside due to bad weather. “I’d been up all night with my baby, my video machine broke, the tumble dryer stopped midcycle, the cat vomited and my child asked for tea. It was all too much.”

The stress of modern motherhood is often too much and sometimes we explode for the wrong reasons. Under the surface level of anger could lie a complicated network of emotions such as fear, guilt, sadness and hurt.

When our children push our buttons we are in danger of reacting to them as we would toward adults. We rarely stop to realise we’re dealing with a very different situation and often fall into old ways of expressing anger such as holding grudges, giving silent treatment, name calling and sarcasm. And sometimes we can resort to even more damaging swearing, verbal and physical outbursts which are unproductive and unfair in a very one-sided power relationship. If this occurs, our children can be left confused and upset.

Suggestions on how to keep calm

Recognise the progression of anger, from irritation through frustration, anger to rage and aggression. It’s normal to feel these feelings but important to know how to stop the progression to more dangerous levels. You still have control and a choice in how you react. So feel the emotions but don’t let them take control.

If you feel your blood begin to boil, walk away and withdraw until you’re calm.

Stay in the present and don’t bring up everything your child has ever done wrong. Take note if you’re reacting due to past anger in a new situation.

Try to see the humorous side of parenting Tanya, mom to a toddler called Luca, arrived to fetch him from a play date, only to find him and his accomplice covered in mud from head to toe. Instead of losing their tempers both mothers saw the humour in this and hosed their children down. But Tanya notes she did explain to him afterwards why it was wrong to turn a flower bed into a mud bath.

Ensure your boundaries and discipline are sound Parents who yell are parents without a clear plan of action.

Try to remember that you’re the adult April, mom to 3-year-old Emma, finds that Emma responds far better to discussion than to shouting and physical punishment. If April reacts like a child, Emma stops listening.

Remember that children make mistakes and do stupid things without thinking It’s all part of their learning process.

Don’t take it personally. Although it may seem that your child has conspired to make your day hellish it’s often fatigue and overstimulation that sends him over the top with you close behind.

If it’s too late and you already lost your temper, remember that you’re human, restore the good feelings, explain to your child why you lost your temper and apologise.

If you’re exploding too often for your liking:

Think about what the real, underlying problem could be If it’s stress about work or your marriage, work on those. Realise that your anger could be misplaced

Take time for yourself. This is written in every piece of parenting literature available…maybe they have a point? Stress release is an important part of our modern world

Take your anger as the warning sign it is and examine your life. Seeking help from a mental health practitioner is perfectly acceptable and there are anger management courses that offer sound and practical advice for dealing with anger.

Although anger is a natural response it can often be irrational and damaging and then it needs to be addressed. Forgive yourself for your occasional outburst towards your child and know that even children need to know that parents have limits. The highs of parenting are so high such as the happy smiles or extra squeezes your 3-year-old gives you at bed time, but the lows can be equally powerful, such as the surly look you get as your carefully prepared dinner gets hurled across the table. Remember that parenting is emotional and that’s precisely what makes it so rewarding!

A lengthy article on Anger management in Islam can be found here http://www.livingislam.org/m/ami_e.html: We have taken some of the points and republished them below:

The Messenger of Allah, Prophet Muhammad said:

"Whoever curbs his anger, while being able to act, Allah will fill his heart with certainty of faith."
Therefore the consequence for whoever does not curb his anger is that he or she will sooner or later feel its evil consequences.

Anger is a destructive emotion, as a fire which destroys our well-being, consumes our good actions, repels our friends and dear ones, frightens our children and forces the angels to report bad actions for the Heavenly Records. This is a dangerous rough road and no-one is devoid of it and it brings one close to the wrath of Allah; story:

Prophet `Isa (Jesus Christ) -peace be upon him- was once asked:
"What thing is difficult?" He said: "God’s wrath." Prophet Yahya (John the Baptist) -peace be upon him- then asked:
"What brings near the wrath of God?" He said: "Anger".
Yahya – peace be upon him- asked him:
"What thing grows and increases anger?" Isa -peace be upon him- said:
"Pride, prestige, hope for honour and haughtiness." [5]

The good news is that when you are ready to confront the evil kind of anger within your soul, then you have already taken the first decisive step in fighting it. The evil kind of anger can be overcome by understanding and following the respective teachings of Islam. If you are not ready, ask yourself the test questions below.[ch.4]

Clarification

Are all kinds of anger meant here always, or are there instances when anger could still be justified?
Someone could say: "How do I know that my anger is not justified, when I feel strongly about it, that in certain situations I do have the right to become angry?" (As an exception there are a few instances when it is good and allowed, such as in war when fighting the enemy, but not excessive anger.)
Answer: Yes, there are situations where anger is justified and lawful, as "in cases of religious affairs when one’s honour is at stake. It is an effective preventive measure to safeguard the dignity of man. A person who has no anger is called a coward because he has got no true faith in Allah. The person fears creation and not the Creator." [2]
But certainly those instances are rare, and what is worse, for a beginner in anger management (AMI) it is difficult to distinguish between those situations from the outset. Later with some success in AMI, that will be easy.
We do not suggest that AMI means you never may get angry, for anger is not to abolished but channelled, and the aim is always to reach your goal with other, reliable and sane methods, in shâh Allah. But to begin with, it is vital to bring it down to lower levels, to temper it, in order to take control over it.
For the time being you should be extremely suspicious about anger in which form or situation what-so-ever. Be warned against it!
Remember that the real strength of a man lies in controlling his wrath or anger. In this respect the Islamic tradition is very clear:
It is reported in a hadith on the authority of Abu Huraira Allah be pleased with him, that Mohammad, the emissary of Allah peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, said :
"The man is not a good wrestler; the strong man is in fact the person who controls himself at the time of anger." (Bukhari)
In another hadith Abu Hurairah (radiyallahu `anhu), reported that a man said to the Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wasallam): "Advise me!"
The Prophet said, "Do not become angry and furious."
The man asked (the same) again and again, and the Prophet said in each case, "Do not become angry and furious."
[Al-Bukhari; Vol. 8 No. 137] (see hadith in Arabic at top of page.)
Commenting on this hadith Al-Nawawî says that "he meant to not allow anger to lord over oneself and cause the loss of one’s comportment." Instead to control your anger and never lose control. [11]

Try To Get The Whole Picture – The Causes Of Anger

We are convinced that the Islamic guidance is the best guidance, also in respect of AMI, because it relates to all levels of human beings, where it operates its barakah (Divine blessings): the body (jism), the soul (nafs) and the spirit (rûh), the last being the highest element which governs the rest. Anger is one of several coarse qualities of the soul or heart, which have to be treated by Islam’s spiritual methods. To treat the (spiritual) disease you have to know its causes. Imam al Ghazali explains them as follows:

The causes which cause anger to grow are self-conceit, self-praise, jests and ridicule, argument, treachery, too much greed for too much wealth and name and fame. If these evils are united in a person, his conduct becomes bad and he cannot escape anger. So these things should be removed by their opposites. Self-praise is to be removed by modesty. Pride is to be removed by one’s own origin and birth, greed is to be removed by remaining satisfied with necessary things, and miserliness by charity

Or summarized in four words:

"Pride, prestige, hope for honour and haughtiness."

The goal is to purify the heart, free it from oblivion of the rang of human beings, neglect of Allahs commands, and … so as to reach the Divine Presence.
In this context there is the Gabriel-hadith on excellence (ihsân) in Islam (as part of a longer hadith[13]): A man asked the Emissary of Allah : "Then tell me about Ihsan." He said:
"It is to worship Allah as though you are seeing Him,
and while you see Him not yet — truly He sees you."
Also in the Quran we are constantly reminded that Allah sees and hears us, thus watching over us all the time. Knowing this how can anyone be so carried away by his (her) passions – and devoid of godfearingness (taqwâ) to behave like an ugly, crazy person, chasing around and abusing people?
It becomes clear then that in reality anger is a secret disease, like for example alcoholism, which has to be treated just like any other disease, and it is you yourself who has to take the decisive step to curb it, with Allah’s help.
In this context it is important to remember that AMI is part of a comprehensive treatment of the heart, not isolated methods.
Therefore come to terms with yourself (nafs) and see your propensity toward the anger-syndrome!
To start with ask yourself the following questions:

a. Do you become angry when things are not going your way?
b. Does it make you angry when something happens contrary to what you expected or what you wished for?
c. When starting to get angry, did you ever become aware of how your emotions are kindled or heating up?
c. When you are angry, do you say or do things which normally you would not?
d. When you are angry, do you feel you have to act in a certain manner, without any control?
e. Do you – after your anger has subsided – regret what you said or did, or how you appeared in front of people?

If you answered most or all of the above questions with ‘yes’, then you are on your way and you will easily understand the following diagrams which show the anger levels and how to curb it over time (ch.5) :
You may ask if there is anything which can be done about this problem of losing one’s temper, and you may think that this is the way you are, this is your character and that a change would be impossible. But you can change and
AMI was conceived to show how to succeed in dealing with this disease, once its evil roots have been understood. Then, soon, you will enjoy the sweet fruit of having overcome it. Someone[18] said in this respect, that winning over his anger is a sweet thing indeed.

Medicines recommended by Imam Al-Ghazalî

We are describing below the medicines of anger after one gets angry. This medicine is a mixture of knowledge and action.
7a. The medicine based on knowledge is of six kinds:
(1) The first medicine of knowledge is to think over the rewards of appeasing anger, that have come from the verses of the Quran and the sayings of the Prophet . Your hope for getting rewards of appeasing anger will restrain you from taking revenge.
(2) The second kind of medicine based on knowledge is to fear the punishment of God and to think that the punishment of God upon me is greater than my punishment upon him. If I take revenge upon this man for anger, God will take revenge upon me on the Judgement Day.
(3) The third kind of medicine of anger based on knowledge is to take precaution about punishment of enemity and revenge on himself. You feel joy in having your enemy in your presence in his sorrows, You yourself are not free from that danger. You will fear that your enemy might take revenge against you in this world and in the next.
(4) Another kind of medicine based on knowledge is to think about the ugly face of the angry man, which is just like that of the ferocious beast. He who appeases anger looks like a sober and learned man.
(5) The fifth kind of medicine based on knowledge is to think that the devil will advise by saying: " You will be weak if you do not get angry!" Do not listen to him!
(6) The sixth reason is to think: " What reason have I got to get angry? What Allah wishes has occured!"
7b. The medicine based on action is of three kinds:
(m1) When you get angry, say: I seek refuge in God from the accursed evil (a`ûdhû billâhi min ash-shaytân ir rajîm). The Prophet ordered us to say thus.
When Ayesha (ra) got angry, he dragged her by the nose and said:
"O dear Ayesha, say: O God, you are the Lord of my prophet Muhammad, forgive my sins and remove the anger from my heart and save me from misguidance."
(m2) If anger does not go away by this means, you will sit down if you are standing, lie down if you are sitting, and come near to earth, as you have been created of earth. Thus make yourself calm like the earth. The cause of wrath is heat and its opposite is to lie down on the ground and to make the body calm and cool.
The Prophet said: Anger is a burning coal. Don’t you see your eyebrows wide and eyes reddish? So when one of you feels angry, let him sit down if standing, and lie down if sitting.
(m3) If still anger does not stop, make ablution with cold water or take a bath, as fire cannot be extinguished without water.
The Prophet said : "When one of you gets angry, let him make ablution with water as anger arises out of fire."
In another narration, he said: "Anger comes from the devil and the devil is made of fire." [5]