SLEEP-TRAINING – NOT FOR BREASTFEEDING MOTHERS

Ever since parenting books found their way into bedrooms, authors have touted magical formulas promising to get babies to sleep through the night and follow a more convenient schedule. While babies have a lot of wonderful attributes, convenience is not one of them. Beware of using someone else’s training method to get your baby to sleep or get your baby on a predictable schedule. Most of these methods are variations of the tired old theme of letting baby cry it out. Before trying anyone else’s method, run it through your intuitive wisdom. Does this advice sound sensible? Does it fit your baby’s temperament? Does it feel right to you?
With most of these baby-training regimens you run the risk of becoming desensitized to the cues of your infant, especially when it comes to letting baby cry it out. Instead of helping you to figure out what baby’s signals mean, these training methods tell you to ignore them. Neither you nor your baby learn anything good from this.
If your current daytime or nighttime routine is not working for you, think about what changes you can make in yourself and your lifestyle that will make it easier for you to meet your baby’s needs. This is a better approach than immediately trying to change your baby. After all, you can control your own reactions to a situation. You can’t control how your baby reacts. Use discernment about advice that promises a sleep-through-the-night more convenient baby, as these programs involve the risk of creating a distance between you and your baby and undermining the mutual trust between parent and child. On the surface, baby training sounds so liberating, but it’s a short-term gain for a long-term loss. You lose the opportunity to know and become an expert in your baby. Baby loses the opportunity to build trust in his caregiving environment. You cease to value your own biological cues and judgment and follow the advice of someone who has no biological attachment, nor investment, in your infant.
Clicking into the cry-it-out method also keeps you from continuing to search for medical or physical causes of nightwaking, such as GER and food allergies. Nightfeedings is normal; frequent nightwaking is not.
Stay flexible. No single approach will work with all babies all the time, or even all the time with the same baby. Don’t persist with a failing experiment. If the “sleep program” isn’t working for your family, drop it.
Follow your heart rather than some stranger’s sleep-training advice, and you and your baby will eventually work out the right nighttime parenting style for your family.

Source: askdrsears.com

Healthy Eating With Kids 2

A while ago I posted Healthy Eating With Kids and then realised that my children’s diets, healthy eating, learning to cook well and growing my own food or finding fresh (from relatives gardens, farm shops and markets) are all growing into real passions for me. I think all of these aspects of food are closely linked.

I am finding more and more mother’s complaining that their children are fussy eaters, do not eat what they are given or constantly pester for junk food. A lot of the time these children come to my house and actually eat rather well. It’s not an issue, no-one is pleading with them, they are just doing what the other children are doing. Sometimes I can be a little facetious about this, refusing to give them coke even when their parents allow them to have some to stop them whinging – it just infuriates me when parents allow themselves to be bullied by their children.

Something else that is yielding good results is going back to nature. The children love the idea of growing food in the garden, picking it to eat or to use for cooking. I always tell them, “you helped me make dinner by bringing me peas” or “I’ll tell Dad you helped me make the sauce” when they bring in the mint. I can’t wait for the weather to turn warmer so that we can start planting again. When they are involved in the process of bringing the food from the earth to the table, they become enthused about it. This process also includes the cooking. I am loathe to let the kids loose anywhere near knives or the cooker, but they can still bash the ginger in the mortar and pestle, stir the mixture in the bowl, or shell the peas.

We also like to talk about our food. The other day I bought some French Golden Delicious apples. These are my mum’s favourites and were very common in shops here until a few years ago when they seemed to disappear. I discussed this with Little Man who loves fruit and he was intrigued. This is not to say that we should become obsessed about food or greedy for it, Islam says:

Al-Miqdaam ibn Maadiy-Karib narrated: I heard the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu alayhi wa salam) saying: “No human ever filled a vessel worse than the stomach. Sufficient for any son of Adam are some morsels to keep his back straight. But if it must be, then one third for his food, one third for his drink and one third for his breath.” [Ahmad, At-Tirmidhi, An-Nasaa’i, Ibn Majah – Hadith sahih]

However, the current state of affairs where we cannot cook properly, are eating poor quality, low nutrition food and making ourselves ill contrasts strongly with our elders, both in Britain and in Pakistan, who grew their own food, had hearty, wholesome, simple diets and were clearly slimmer, stronger and healthier than us. We have to consider which legacy we want to pass on to our own children.

I recently came across a New York Times feature on wellness for children. More than the article, I found the comments from other readers very useful, one example that stood out was:

“As I read this, I was taken back to my childhood. I often cooked with my grandmother, who I lived with for many years. I don’t remember ever being told to leave the kitchen. In fact, I often was put in charge of making at least one thing and setting the table. As I grew older, I made dinner at least one night a week. It was considered a treat in my family to cook for everyone.

I also don’t remember being allowed to be picky about food. Food was put on the table and you ate. It wasn’t that my grandmother demanded you eat. As Tara points out, demanding even that one bite may get you into trouble. It was simply that this is what we were going to eat so we ate. The only time we picked what we wanted to eat was one Sunday morning a month–we could eat a cereal that we’d picked at the supermarket on Saturday.

But in general, if we didn’t like something (liver for example), we could explain why and that was it. If we were still hungry, we could have whatever fruits or veggies were left.

I don’t have children yet, but my best guidance will be remembering how my grandmother brought me into the kitchen, taught me how to make good food and to enjoy the process of making–not just eating–food. She would have shaken her head over the fact that we even need this kind of advice. But I’m happy that the column reminded me of what my grandmother seemed to know intuitively.”

Republished with kind permission from Umm Salihah

http://www.happymuslimah.com/2010/02/healthy-eating-with-kids-2.html

Surveying a Sample of New Age-Defying Potions

Soomaya Gaffoor

One month ago I found a grey hair. I looked in the mirror, and suddenly there it was. This long, grey strand of hair. I took a closer look, and horror of horrors, there was more than one! Where the hell did they come from?! I had to sit down. This was too much. Just the other day, I had walked into a room and completely forgot what I had gone in there for!

And, I had started calling my three year old daughter by my sister’s name. Only my mother does that!

It seems like all hope is gone. Somehow, I have reached the ripe old age of thirty! What am I going to do?!

I speak to my sister. She’s a beauty therapist. At least I can do something to make sure I look young. She tells me I need to start using a good face cream to make sure those dreaded wrinkles and crow’s feet don’t start appearing. So I look for a good face cream. I didn’t know they were so expensive! After much searching, I eventually find one that’s not too expensive. It’s supposed to even out my skin and prevent dark patches, and make me look radiant. Yay!

So I start using the face cream. But now I notice stretchmarks on my body! Okay, I’ve had two children, so stretchmarks are bound to appear at some time, but why now?! I’ve got to do something! I go to the shops and find out that they’ve got a whole shelf dedicated to my dilemma! These creams are also very expensive, but according to one of my friends, they work. I choose the one that combats stretchmarks and gets rid of cellulite. Not that I have cellulite. No. I’ve just got a teensy little problem on certain parts of my body. Looks like orange peel.

As I’m going to pay, I notice the hair dyes, and remember my three grey hairs. Well, since I’m here, I might as well sort that out too. I choose a reddish colour. I saw this teenager with the exact same shade of hair, and she looked wonderful.

Now the amazing thing is, right next to the hair dyes, there’s a shelf for vitamin supplements. I take a closer look, and suddenly there’s this young, beautiful, toned girl asking me if I’ve tried the new range of slimming tablets on show. Man, I just hung my head in shame and said no. So, she proceeded to show me all the different types. There’s one you can take in the morning, one you can take at lunch, one for the evening, and, for a limited time, there’s all three selling at a special introductory price. “Does it work?” I ask her. She gives me a very understanding smile and says that yes, it does work. So I take all three, and a bottle of herbal tablets that’s supposed to make you concentrate more easily, and head for the till.

As soon as I go home I start using my purchases. I line up all my tablets in a neat row so I know which one to take when. My husband looks like he’s going to ask me about them, but before he does, I growl at him. He backs off. I then proceed to the bathroom to line up my creams, so I don’t forget to use them.

So that was one month ago. Since then, I’ve used my new hair dye, and now I have hair that’s a wonderful shade of orange. Very attractive, or so my husband tells me. I’ve stopped using the tablets. They gave me an infection. I don’t want to talk about where. As for the cellulite cream, I’ve decided to just buy big, tight underwear instead. I’ve heard it helps.

The face cream works. But I do feel like I need to use a proper cleanser first. So today I went to the shops again to look for a cleanser. I also needed some spices, so I stopped at the spice stall first. There I met this lady who asked me if I ate a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables, and what did I use on my face because she just thought that I had the most beautiful looking skin, and I should really just thank God for giving me such radiant looking skin.

I thanked her, and as I walked off, I thought that maybe this was a message from God that I didn’t need to buy the cleanser. After all, I do have radiant skin!

We’re allowed a SMILE once in a while…

Thanks to http://madamjill.blogspot.com

LOL – Baby Hair… And so they say -

This is a fun post I came accross in my daily tawaaf through the blogopshere:

And so the old folks in most cultures in India say that – if after birth you keep shaving the head of the new born at 2 months and then 6 months and then a year… especially if the baby has scanty or very fine hair (like Zahra) then – hold your breath – your baby will definitely have awesome thick hair as the years pass by.

Ok, we had the religious rite of shaving the new borns head off on the 7th day- performed. I hated every minute of it. My baby lost the beautiful soft hair she had on her.

But her hair is back now! And an inch long. Same texture. Same color.

Now since she’s got fine hair, everyone at home is advicing me to shave her head off again. Why I ask?

Answer – If we shave her head off, the hair follicles will get closer and her hair growth will thicken.

I’m laughing out aloud right now.

Reasoning – People in Europe, the Americas, Philippines, England, Russia and so many other countries DO NOT shave the head of the new born. AT ALL. So many of the kids there are born with hair so fine, their scalp shows for many months after birth. So what happens to them? They remain partially bald all their life?

Please leave your comments.
UMMEAAIMAN

http://ummedmaverick.blogspot.com/2009/06/lol-baby-hair-and-so-they-say.html

Some Common Mistakes in Ramadaan

By Asma bint Shameem

Taking Ramadaan as a ritual
For many of us Ramadaan has lost its spirituality and has become more of a ritual than a form of Ibaadah. We fast from morning to night like a zombie just because everyone around us is fasting too. We forget that its a time to purify our hearts and our souls from all evil….we forget to make dua, forget to beseech Allaah to forgive us and ask Him to save us from the Fire. Sure we stay away from food and drink but that’s about all.
Although the Prophet (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) said:
“Jibreel said to me, ‘May Allaah rub his nose in the dust, that person to who Ramadaan comes and his sins are not forgiven,’ and I said, ‘Ameen’. Then he said, ‘May Allaah rub his nose in the dust, that person who lives to see his parents grow old, one or both of them, but he does not enter Paradise (by not serving them) and I said, ‘Ameen’. Then he said, ‘May Allaah rub his nose in the dust, that person in whose presence you are mentioned and he does not send blessings upon you,’ and I said, ‘Ameen.’” (Tirmidhi, Ahmad, others. Saheeh by al-Albaani)

Too much stress on food and drink
For some people, the entire month of Ramadaan revolves around food. They spend the ENTIRE day planning, cooking, shopping and thinking about only food, instead of concentrating on Salaah, Quraan and other acts of worship. All they can think of is FOOD. So much so that they turn the month of ‘fasting’ into the month of ‘feasting’. Come Iftaar time, their table is a sight to see, with the multitudes and varieties of food, sweets and drinks. They are missing the very purpose of fasting, and thus, increase in their greed and desires instead of learning to control them. It is also a kind of waste & extravagance.

‘…..and eat and drink but waste not by extravagance, certainly He (Allaah) likes not Al-Musrifoon (those who waste by extravagance)’ [al-Araaf :31]

Spending all day cooking

Some of the sisters (either by their own choice or forced by their husbands) are cooking ALL day and ALL night, so that by the end of the day, they are too tired to even pray Ishaa, let alone pray Taraweeh or Tahajjud or even read Quraan. This is the month of mercy and forgiveness. So turn off that stove and turn on your Imaan!

Eating too much

Some people stuff themselves at Suhoor until they are ready to burst, because they think this is the way to not feel hungry during the day and some people eat at Iftaar, like there is no tomorrow, trying to ‘make up for the food missed.’ However, this is completely against the Sunnah. Moderation is the key to everything.

The Prophet (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) said: ‘The son of Adam does not fill any vessel worse than his stomach; for the son of Adam a few mouthfuls are sufficient to keep his back straight. If you must fill it, then one-third for food, one-third for drink and one-third for air.’ (Tirmidhi, Ibn Maajah. saheeh by al-Albaani).

Too much food distracts a person from many deeds of obedience and worship, makes him lazy and also makes the heart heedless.
It was said to Imam Ahmad: Does a man find any softness and humility in his heart when he is full? He said, I do not think so.

Sleeping all day

Some people spend their entire day (or a major part of it) ’sleeping away their fast’. Is this what is really required of us during this noble month? These people also are missing the purpose of fasting and are slaves to their desires of comfort and ease. They cannot ‘bear’ to be awake and face a little hunger or exert a little self-control. For a fasting person to spend most of the day asleep is nothing but, negligence on his part.

Wasting time

The month of Ramadaan is a precious, precious time, so much so that Allaah calls this month ‘Ayyamum Ma’doodaat’ (A fixed number of days). Before we know it, this month of mercy and forgiveness will be over. We should try and spend every moment possible in the worship of Allaah so that we can make the most of this blessing. However, there are some of us who waste away their day playing video games, or worse still, watching TV, movies or even listening to music. Subhaan Allaah! Trying to obey Allaah by DISOBEYING him!

Fasting but not giving up evil

Some of us fast but do not give up lying, cursing, fighting, backbiting, etc. and some of us fast but do not give up cheating, stealing, dealing in haraam, buying lotto tickets, selling alcohol, fornication, etc. and all kinds of impermissible things without realizing that the purpose of fasting is to not stay away from food and drink; rather the aim behind it is to fear Allaah.
“O you who believe! Fasting is prescribed for you as it was prescribed for those before you, that you may become Al-Muttaqoon (the pious)” [al-Baqarah 2:183]

The Prophet (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) said: ‘Whoever does not give up false speech and acting upon it, and ignorance, Allaah has no need of him giving up his food and drink.’ (Bukhaari)

Smoking

Smoking is forbidden in Islam whether during Ramadaan or outside of it, as it is one of al-Khabaa’ith (evil things). And this includes ALL kinds of ’smoking material’ eg.cigars, cigarettes, pipes,’Sheesha’, hookah etc.
‘he allows them as lawful At Tayyibaat (all good and lawful things), and prohibits them as unlawful Al Khabaa’ith (all evil and unlawful things) [al-A'raaf :157]

It is harmful, not only to the one smoking, but also to the ones around him. It is also a means of wasting ones wealth. The Prophet (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) said: ‘There should be no harming or reciprocating harm.’
This is especially true during fasting and it invalidates the fast. (Fatwa -Ibn ‘Uthaymeen)

Skipping Suhoor

The Prophet (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) said: ‘Eat suhoor for in suhoor there is blessing.’(Bukhaari, Muslim).
And he (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) said: ‘The thing that differentiates between our fasting and the fasting of the People of the Book is eating suhoor.’ (Muslim)

Not fasting if they missed Suhoor

Some people are too scared to fast if they miss Suhoor. However, this is a kind of cowardice and love of ease. What is the big deal if you missed a few morsels of food? It’s not like you will die. Remember, obedience to Allaah overcomes everything.

Delaying breaking fast

Some people wait until the adhaan finishes or even several minutes after that, just to be ‘on the safe side’. However, the Sunnah is to hasten to break the fast, which means breaking fast whenever the adhaan starts, right after the sun has set. Aa’ishah (RA) said: This is what the Messenger of Allaah (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) used to do. (Muslim)

The Prophet (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) said: ‘The people will continue to do well so long as they hasten to break the fast.’ (Bukhaari, Muslim)

Determine to the best of your ability, the accuracy of your clock, calendar, etc. and then have tawakkul on Allaah and break your fast exactly on time.

Eating continuously until the time for Maghrib is up

Some people put so much food in their plates when breaking their fast and continue eating, enjoying dessert, drinking tea, etc., until they miss Maghrib. That is obviously not right. The Sunnah of the Prophet (pbuh) was that once he broke his fast with some dates, them he would hasten to the prayer. Once you are done with the prayer, you can always go back and eat some more if you wish.

Missing the golden chance of having your Dua accepted

The prayer of the fasting person is guaranteed to be accepted at the time of breaking fast.
The Prophet (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) said: ‘Three prayers are not rejected: the prayer of a father, the prayer of a fasting person, and the prayer of a traveler.’ (al-Bayhaqi, saheeh by al-Albaani).

Instead of sitting down and making Dua at this precious time, some people forego this beautiful chance, and are too busy frying samosas, talking, setting the food, filling their plates and glasses, etc. Think about it….Is food more important than the chance to have your sins forgiven or the fulfillment of your Duas.

Fasting but not praying

The fasting of one who does not pray WILL NOT BE ACCEPTED. This is because not praying constitutes kufr as the Prophet (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) said: ‘Between a man and shirk and kufr there stands his giving up prayer.’ (Muslim)

In fact, NONE of his good deeds will be accepted; rather, they are all annulled.
‘Whoever does not pray ‘Asr, his good deeds will be annulled.’ (Bukhaari)

Fasting and not wearing Hijaab

Not wearing the Hijaab is a major sin as it is obligatory for Muslim women. (See Surah Nur, Surah Ahzaab). So fasting and not wearing hijaab certainly takes away enormously from the rewards of fasting, even if does not invalidate it.

Not fasting because of exams or work

Exams or work is NOT one of the excuses allowed by the Shariah to not fast. You can do your studying and revision at night if it is too hard to do that during the day. Also remember that pleasing and obeying Allaah is much more important than ‘good grades’. Besides, if you will fulfil your obligation to fast, even if you have to study, Allaah will make it easy for you and help you in everything you do.
‘Whosoever fears Allah, He will appoint for him a way out and provide for him from where he does not expect, Allah is Sufficient for whosoever puts his trust in Him.’ (Surah at-Talaaq 2-3)

Mixing fasting and dieting

DO NOT make the mistake of fasting with the intention to diet. That is one of the biggest mistakes some of us make (esp. sisters). Fasting is an act of worship and can only be for the sake of Allah alone. Otherwise, mixing it with the intention of dieting may become a form of (minor) Shirk.

Fighting over the number of Rakaah of Taraweeh

There is no specific number of rak’ahs for Taraweeh prayer, rather it is permissible to do a little or a lot. Both 8 and 20 are okay. Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen said: ‘No one should be denounced for praying eleven or twenty-three (raka’ah), because the matter is broader in scope than that, praise be to Allaah.’

Praying ONLY on the night of the 27th

Some people pray ONLY on the 27th to seek Lailat ul-Qadr, neglecting all other odd nights, although the Prophet (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) said: ‘Seek Lailat ul-Qadr among the odd numbered nights of the last ten nights of Ramadaan.’ (Bukhaari, Muslim).

Wasting the last part of Ramadaan preparing for Eid

Some people waste the entire last 10 days of Ramadaan preparing for Eid, shopping and frequenting malls, etc. neglecting Ibadah and Lailatul Qadr. although, the Prophet (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) used to strive the hardest during the last ten days of Ramadaan in worship (Ahmad, Muslim) and not in shopping. Buy whatever you need for Eid before Ramadaan so that you can utilize the time in Ramadaan to the max.
Aa’ishah (RA) said: “When the (last) ten nights began, the Messenger of Allaah (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam)) would tighten his waist-wrapper (i.e., strive hard in worship or refrain from intimacy with his wives), stay awake at night and wake his family.” (Bukhaari and Muslim).

Iftaar parties

Although inviting each other for breaking fast is something good and encouraged, some people go to extremes with lavish ‘Iftaar parties’ with all sorts of disobedience to Allaah, from flirting, mixing of the sexes and hijaab-less women, to show-off and extravagance, to heedlessness to Salaah, and Taraweeh to even music and dancing.

We All LOVE Islam

But We Create Our Own Rules On How To Follow Islam.

Do We Really LIVE Islam ???

May Allah (SWT) give us the hidayah, towfeeq and tawheed to become good, practising and true Muslims, Inshallah…Ameen…Summa Ameen!

TIPS TO ENHANCE A POSITIVE PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIP

• Love your child and praise them frequently so that they feel valued and wanted.
• Set clear boundaries so that your child knows where they stand.
• Provide them with clear routines and structures so that they feel safe and know what to expect.
• Be consistent in your approach.
• To build their self-esteem, reward your child for good behaviour, trying hard or for doing well.
• Reward and praise the EFFORT and not the outcome
• Follow through with consequences if they misbehave, so that they learn from their mistakes.
• Give them cuddles and affection at every opportunity so that they know you love them.
• Be assertive!
• Control your anger and mood swings.
• Learn to relax with your children & enjoy each other’s company.
• Monitor your own behaviour; your children are observing you.
• Trust in the Almighty for His infinite love and guidance.

Courtesy of Mums Connected

CAN TEETHING BE THE CAUSE OF SLEEP PROBLEMS?

Every mom has probably at one time or another blamed a poor night’s sleep on teeth! The question is; is there any truth in this excuse? Ann Richardson looks at when can we blame teeth for night wakings, if ever?

Why is it that just when your baby is able to start sleeping through the night, and may in fact, already have started doing so, that teeth decide to make an appearance! Teething, per se, does not cause a sleeping disorder. Rather accept that when your child is teething, sleep may be disrupted temporarily. Avoid falling into the trap of blaming “teeth” for bad sleeping habits that never seem to go away.

It is important to recognize some important facts about teething, so that you can have a clear understanding of what your child is feeling when he is cutting his precious new teeth.

Teething, by definition, is when the actual tooth cuts through the gum and appears in your baby’s mouth.

This may occur anytime from 3 months of age (very unusual) up to 1 year of age. Early teething (in babies younger than about 7 months) usually follows a family history of early teething. Late teething of the first tooth (after one year of age) is also unusual, and also follows a family history. Check with your parents when you cut your first tooth, and invariably, your child will follow suit.

On average, most babies cut their first tooth at around 7 months of age. However, it is not unusual for your baby to celebrate his first birthday with no sign of teeth!

This actual “cutting” may be preceded by a period of discomfort (may last weeks) as the teeth settle into the gums and prepare to start pushing upwards. This is usually when your baby drools excessively, and loves to chew and bite down on objects. This period is seldom characterized by fever, loss of appetite and other illness such as diarrhea and ear ache.

If your baby is 15 months or older with no sign of teeth, consult your Dentist who may want to X ray his mouth to check that his teeth are present.

Signs that your baby may be ready to cut his first tooth include the following:

• Excessive drooling and biting down on objects
• Loss of appetite, especially sucking on the breast or bottle
• A low grade fever, or periods of intense fever
• A red and spotty rash around his mouth
• Nappy rash – may be severe
• Frequent, loose stools
• A runny nose
• Ear ache

There is a theory that teething may “weaken” your baby’s general immune system and make him more susceptible to illnesses such as otitis media (ear infections), bronchitis (chest infections) and tummy upsets. This, however, has not been scientifically proven. Many parents confuse normal developmental milestones (such as chewing on fingers and hands, and blowing bubbles) with teething.

Remember that at around 3 months of age, your little one will find his hands (Oh joy!) and chew excessively on them, creating plenty of drool and bubbles! Don’t confuse this exciting developmental milestone with teething or hunger!

If your child is feeling unwell whilst teething, please treat him with teething medication that is available from your pharmacy. Do you remember when your wisdom teeth started appearing? This is what your little one is experiencing whilst he is cutting his teeth. He may have a headache, and have a sore mouth, especially with eating.

If your nights are becoming difficult, medicate with the prescribed medication at bedtime, and repeat the dose at prescribed intervals during the night if needs be.

Source: Momsmatter.co.za

Treating parents like babies

By Lenore Skenazy

If you’re a mother, you might recognise the sentiment “sweet wishes” from the passive-aggressive baby industry that wants you to feel so completely, even dangerously unprepared for the challenges (they’re always challenges) of parenthood that you’ll read its magazines, buy its products and take its advice. Ka-ching!

Here’s a tip from an article on flying a kite with your kid: “Choose a sunny day when there’s no chance of lightning.” You mean, don’t fly kites when there’s a funnel cloud headed for the driveway? Got it. Or how about this pointer from a parenting magazine on how to delight your baby: “Lean in close and kiss her nose.”? Kissing my baby. Why didn’t I think of that?

And here’s my favourite recommendation from a book of “Baby Must-Haves: (a tome on items you simply must buy unless you want baby to be seriously deprived). You’ll get more bang for your buck with a toy that can be played with in more than one way – for instance, a push toy that can also be pulled.”? Now, you’ve got to feel sorry for the poor writer who had to come up with something, anything to say about a pull toy. But can you think of a push toy that can’t be pulled? Can you think of any toy that can’t be pulled, besides a cranky daddy trying to watch a sports channel?

These tips treat parents as if we were the two-yearolds, so wet behind the ears that we need an expert to tell us which games to play, which toys to buy, what to say to our kids and what to feed them. This talking down to parents is big business. The whole gestalt is enough to convince moms that today’s children, unlike those who came before them, do not have their trajectory well mapped out simply by being born human: cry, crawl, toddle, walk, grow up, breed and cry some more.

No, this generation won’t make it without a whole lot of help from specialists, safety gear and Internet searches. But why? Are our children more vulnerable, and we less competent than any previous generation in history?

Parenting culture

Of course not. But that’s the message we get. We live in a time when parents worry about their offspring’s safety, development and health and you name it more than ever, thanks to a parenting industry that relies on turning us into nervous wrecks. It begins even before the baby’s born. There are books and books about what to eat during pregnancy.

As my doctor told me: Just eat like you normally would, only a little more – and add some folic acid. That kind of counsel is too reasonable for the parenting-industrial complex. Taking a chipper-butchiding approach that set the tone for a generation of parenting advice, the What to Expect When You’re Expecting pregnancy guide goes so far as to remind moms-to-be that “each bite” is a chance to give their babies the perfect start. Which must mean that not making “each bite”? nutritionally stellar risks ruining your kid forever.

There’s no rest for the weary parent in this high-alert world, especially after the bundle arrives. Take the baby bath thermometer. The cheapest one looks like a rubber duck. Place it in the tub and if the bathwater is too hot, these words magically appear on its tummy: “TOO HOT.”?

You’d have to be convinced that you’re incapable of testing the temperature with your own hand before you’d buy the gadget. But that’s what that crafty duck is out to do: undermine your confidence in your childrearing

capabilities.

(Forget that the instructions on the package remind adults to “ALWAYS” check the temperature with their hands first!) It’s hard to feel secure about being a good mom when every decision is fraught with consequences.

Things have changed dramatically in a single generation. The worries that make us hyperventilate didn’t even faze our moms. It’s just that then people didn’t see every tiny parenting decision as a big deal.

They didn’t sweat the way we do because they were reading Dr Spock, the child-care guru of the 1950s and 60s, who famously began his book Baby and Child Carewith the words: “Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do. Not, Freak out! Your baby is at a super-important stage and you must devote every fibre of your being to helping him ace it.”?

Today is a day to thank those moms for all they did. It’s also a day to thank the current crop of moms, stuck trying to do their best in the face of a parenting culture that’s insisting, “You’re not doing it right!”? Yes we are. Or at least we’re doing it right enough, thank you, and the odds are very much on our side.

Lenore Skenazy is the author of Free-Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry

• This article was originally published on page 23 of The Mercury on July 13, 2009

Confessions of a New Indian Mother

By Mariam Akabor

I thought I had seen it all, the idiosyncrasies’ of my community, throughout my twenty-something life – until recently when I became a mother for the first time [INSERT loads of congrats, well-wishes and contradicting advice]. This role tops it all, even that of an Indian wife. But first things first, the pregnancy.

Almost everyone I know, with the most sincere of intentions, doles out advice and opinions. Carrying high? Has to be a boy! Or you’re carrying very low? It’s definitely a girl! Or is it the other way around? Find yourself craving supari (betel nut)? Don’t eat too much, else your baby won’t have a fair complexion. I listened with mirth.

Then came the warnings. Don’t let them cut you! Go the natural way. These doctors only care about their holidays (and here I was ready to pop anytime from Christmas Day). Don’t take the epidural, [INSERT mother/sister/auntie/niece/granddaughter or the neighbour’s mother/sister/auntie/niece/granddaughter’s name here] had the epidural and she still suffers with backache today.

And then HE was born. And there was tacit approval from many for I had produced a son, an heir, a surname-carrier. One of my friends told me that family members had thanked her personally for giving birth to a boy. (The gynae gives all expectant mothers a form to fill out where we get to tick a box that asks MALE or FEMALE).

Indian visitors flock to the household that harbours a newborn like moths flock to a bright lamp. Understandably family and friends are excited, terribly excited in fact. The begging question remains in everyone’s minds – who does the baby look like? More importantly, it is the complexion of the baby that really matters [INSERT acknowledgement of shallowness of Indian community].

It is taboo for the Indian woman who has just given birth to do anything but rest in her mother’s house for about forty days. She is treated to a range of “birth masalas” [INSERT the specific names of these in your vernacular if you’re Indian] that are meant to help her regain her strength. In some families, not consuming these is unheard of. I always wonder, what of the millions of women worldwide who aren’t Indian and are giving birth every day? They survive surely? But then who am I to argue with thousands of years of tradition?

And what about him? Unfortunately for hubby and me, our child was branded with the C-word. COLIC. If I had thought studying for an exam in a subject I’d never attended a lecture for was difficult, I was in for a reality shock. And if I had thought I had heard the end of “what you should do”, I was in for a bigger shock.

Suddenly, everyone, including the grocery-packer at Pick ‘n Pay, has some well-meaning advice to impart. Boys are always more difficult than girls. Wait until they start walking, then you had it. Then I had it? What was I having now then?

Respected family and friends offered their help in guiding us newbie parents on how to handle a newborn. Only to utter the words “I’ve never seen a baby like this before!” (And this also from my nonagenarian grandmother, herself a mother of nine children).

Just when I am content with his disposition I begin to hear the whispers, accompanied with the shake of the head in a sombre manner – Wait till he starts teething.

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