My Dear Sister, Submit. For Your Baby’s Sake.

Hebah Ahmed – MuslimMatters.org

Disclaimer: This article is written for women who do not have the sole responsibility of supporting their families and are financially able to implement the advice contained within.

On TV and in movies, motherhood is about excitement, happiness, and pride. Pregnancy is special and fun, and babies are there to coo and act cute, be dressed up in all sorts of must-have outfits, and be shown off as the ultimate accessory. As always, these depictions are half truths at best.

Motherhood is about submission. And just like with Islam, submission is not just when it is convenient, compatible, or easy. The fruits of your labor take time to blossom. From the first day a woman gets that positive pregnancy test, the trials and tribulations begin. Nausea, vomiting, fatigue, and heartburn characterize the first trimester. Thankfully in Allah’s Mercy He has promised in the Quran “With every hardship comes ease, with every hardship comes ease.” (94:6) So alas, the second trimester brings a period of ease and pleasure. She revels in her changing body and starts feeling the first movements of her child. She feels great after recovering from the morning sickness and starts to plan the future. Then the third trimester starts to threaten this bliss. By 37 weeks her discomfort reaches its peak, and she is ready for that time of ease again. She begins to look forward to the birth and wants to do anything to make it come sooner, not knowing what is about to come. She thinks the birth is the end but indeed it is only the beginning of a life long test of her will.

Ah, and then the birth. For a first time mom, the intensity of birthing overtakes her with a shock and awe far beyond any military campaign. She fights the power of birth until it finally hits her, the baby has to come out on way or another, and none of the options are appealing. When a woman realizes she cannot run away from her birthing time, nor does she really want to, will she be able to submit to Allah’s plan for her. The successful birther is the one who accepts the overwhelming intensity that accompanies the awesome process of bringing new life to the world, and she welcomes it. Birth is truly a right of passage for women and the extreme journey cannot be avoided, not with epidurals, c-sections, or doctors. When submission occurs in birth, a woman comes out of the experience with one of the highest levels of empowerment a human can feel. She feels joy and victory in her accomplishment and is prepared for the next journey that has just begun: parenthood.

The moment has finally arrived and she meets her child for the first time. Again, Allah has sanctioned a wonderful moment of ease and unadulterated joy after the hardships of birth. No woman can truly understand the intense emotional response her mind and body has to holding her new born baby until her time comes. Every aspect of the birthing journey becomes trivial and worth every moment with her new baby. After the initial joys, she suddenly becomes submersed in another wave of emotional intensity that threatens to overwhelm her. Again, submission is the key to accepting the instantaneous maternal extinct that Allah has created for her. Rather than fighting the feelings or trying to escape, she must submit and allow herself to cry, breath, share and finally accept the responsibility that has now been flung on to her.

Yes, motherhood is a responsibility. A HUGE responsibility, and as with most responsibilities, there is pleasure spiked with pain. Allah has just entrusted her with what could be the biggest test of her life. Each stage of parenting comes with its joys and conflicts, victories and failures. Without guidance from her Creator, she may feel lost and overwhelmed and try to chart her own path, which could lead to disaster. Submission to Allah’s will and His purpose for mothers is the key to surviving the many trials to come.
Allah and His Messenger (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) have made it very clear that one of the primary roles of a woman is as a mother and care provider for her children. The emotional well-being, physical health, and religious guidance of the child all rest primarily in the hands of the mother, with the most intense period being from conception through the earliest years of life. Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) responded when questioned about the most deserving of a person’s obedience and kind treatment with, “Your mother, and then your mother, and then your mother, and then your father.” Scholars have explained this 3-times maternal preference due to her role in carrying the child, giving birth to the child, and nourishing the child with her milk. The Quran sanctions 2 full years of breastfeeding as a right of the child on his/her mother (2:233). This is a religious obligation, not a choice, because of its unmatched benefits for the child. Of course the father has a huge responsibility as well, but his primary duty is to maintain the financial support for the family to enable the mother to perform her role more effectively.

Unfortunately, external influences have crept into the Muslim worldview, resulting in Muslim women struggling with their roles as mothers. Many women are told their worth and self-respect come from their degrees and careers. Rather than parents encouraging their daughters to attain degrees for the sake of knowledge, teaching their children, and future security, Muslim girls are told that they must postpone marriage and motherhood to pursue higher degrees and establish high power careers. Not only is this contradictory to the fitrah Allah created, it is also a disaster for marriages, children, and society as a whole. No alternative will ever take the place of the real thing. Daycares, nannies, grandparents, and breast pumps are inferior replacements for the mother. No other person will ever stress and worry over a child like the mother because Allah put that maternal instinct in her, specifically and only for her own child. For a woman who is raised to work, submitting to her role as a mother can be very difficult and sometimes impossible. The sudden shift in life purpose strikes at the root of her identity. Indeed if women focus on the goal, which is to please Allah and avoid His punishment, and to raise the most righteous, healthy children, submission becomes clear and simple. At first it is a struggle, but eventually the mother will cherish the serenity and peace that comes with obeying Allah and providing her child with the best. Isn’t every child worthy of the very best, not just a “good enough” alternative?

Many Muslim women make up excuses, claiming they are somehow exempt from this duty.

Excuse #1: “I am not the type of women who can stay home all day.” First of all, what type of woman is this, the stereotype of a shallow, lazy person who eats bon-bons and watches TV all day? Any woman who does this is not fulfilling her God-given responsibilities as a mother. Between breastfeeding, diaper changing, clothes washing, and cuddling and bonding with her child, she barely has time to rest. Then there is cooking healthy homemade foods, washing dishes, paying bills, and doing all the other chores that have are waiting in the background. In addition, there are her duties to Allah. She should pray, read Quran to increase her Islamic knowledge, and start researching and planning for her child’s upbringing. If these tasks are easy and quick for her, she has the time and opportunity to have play groups with other moms to enhance her child’s social skills, take walks and teach her child the names of Allah’s creations, and relax with friends over tea.

Excuse #2: “I will just work part time so I don’t lose my career.” The fallacy of this view is that motherhood is a full time job, not something part time that can be squeezed into a work schedule. Babies need to be breastfed every 2-4 hours for at least 6 months to 1 year. A child’s brain development is greatest from birth to 3 years of age, requiring constant stimulation and interaction. Bonding between the child and mother is a 24-hour process. Allah is indeed the Provider of provisions and He can reignite a career if He wills. So it is not better to please Allah and obey Him if a mother is worried about her future?

Excuse #3: “I will pump when I am at work.” Most working moms rarely make it past 6 months with pumping and breastfeeding. Pumping is an annoying, time intensive process that is not compatible with a busy work schedule. It also decreases milk production so eventually the child will have to be given formula. The plastic materials used in breast pumps and bottles have the potential to be hazardous to the baby; milk storage, transportation, and re-heating also become an issue. Crucial bonding during breastfeeding between the mother and baby is also compromised. Does a woman (or child) prefer a plastic alternative to her soft human touch?
Another often forgotten aspect of motherhood is the energy and strength needed to properly give her child their Islamic rights. When a mother is working, she grows tired and irritable and begins to resent her role as a mother. Most working moms cry every day on their way to work as they deal with the guilt of leaving their child. Motherhood begins to feel like an obstacle in the way of her goals, rather than her goal.

The key is for both men and women to value and respect motherhood in the way it should be. Society does the opposite, valuing financial and career accomplishments more than a well-raised child. What should be important is what Allah values more, not what society values. A support team around the mother should encourage her to the good of her child, not the good of her ego. Husbands should praise and shower the mother with gifts, constantly reminding her that she has the most important job in the world. The Muslim Ummah needs to revive the elevated status of the mother in order to get the Ummah back on track.

Just like with the birth, when a mother submits to her duty in its fullest, she will gain the ultimate validation from the results.

So my dear sister, submit! For your baby’s sake.

http://muslimmatters.org/2010/06/16/my-dear-sister-submit-for-your-babys-sake/

Website recommendation: How to wear Hijab

Does your scarf keep slipping? Do you subscribe to the ‘I have bad hijab days’ group? At How to wear hijab.net the best of many youtube videos are chosen reflecting various styles of draping your headscarf. much easier than searching through youtube or other channels…the pictures have been extracted so you can choose according to your style. What is particularly useful for mothers is that many of these styles do not require too many pins because often mothers with infants/toddlers complain that the little ones pull the pins or poke themselves when being carried. feel free to add your thoughts, suggestions for other websites that can make life a little easier…after all Islam is meant to be a SIMPLE WAY OF LIFE.

Website review: Hijab Vogue

Are you tired of looking like a drab Muslimah? Always covered in baby puke? Walking around all day in an old Sameera? Yes, being a mum is tough, but remember as a Muslim you are required to be neat, clean and presentable at all times. If you are looking for some inspiration on how to improve your style, buy some glamorous diamante hijab pins or just some quick tips, why not visit http://www.hijabvogue.blogspot.com/

Founded by Sister Mohsina, the site is fresh and should make you smile.

If you have any suggestions for other websites that are of interest to Muslim mums, be it something light such as this one or of a more serious note, email info@muslimmums.co.za or use the comments box below.

The New Mother – Taking Care of Yourself After Birth

Taking care of yourself after birth:
The postpartum period begins after the delivery of the baby and ends when the mother’s body has returned as closely as possible to its pre-pregnant state. This period usually lasts six to eight weeks.

The postpartum period involves the mother progressing through many changes, both emotionally and physically, while learning how to deal with all the changes and adjustments required with becoming a new mother. The postpartum period also involves the parents learning how to care for their newborn and learning how to function as a changed family unit.

A mother needs to take good care of herself to rebuild her strength. You will need plenty of rest, good nutrition, and help during the first few weeks.

• Rest:
Every new parent soon learns that babies have different time clocks than adults. A typical newborn awakens about every three hours and needs to be fed, changed, and comforted. Especially if this is their first baby, parents – especially the mother – can become overwhelmed by exhaustion. While a solid eight hours of sleep for you may not happen again for several months, the following suggestions may be helpful in finding ways to get more rest now.
o In the first few weeks, a mother needs to be relieved of all responsibilities other than feeding the baby and taking care of herself.
o Sleep when the baby sleeps. This may be only a few minutes rest several times a day, but these minutes can add up.
o Save steps and time. Have your baby’s bed near yours for feedings at night.
o Many new parents enjoy visits from friends and family, but new mothers should not feel obligated to entertain. Feel free to excuse yourself for a nap or to feed your baby.
o Get outside for a few minutes each day. You can begin walking and postpartum exercises, as advised by your physician.
o After the first two to three weeks, introduce a bottle to breastfed babies for an occasional night-time feeding. This way, someone else can feed the baby, and you can have a longer period of uninterrupted sleep.

Nutrition:
A mother’s body has undergone many changes during pregnancy, as well as with the birth of her baby. She needs to heal and recover from pregnancy and childbirth. In addition to rest, all mothers need to maintain a healthy diet to promote healing and recovery.

The weight gained in pregnancy helps build stores for your recovery and for breastfeeding. After delivery, all mothers need continued nutrition so that they can be healthy and active and able to care for their baby.

Whether they breastfeed or formula feed, all mothers need to eat a healthy and balanced diet. Most lactation experts recommend that breastfeeding mothers should eat when they are hungry. But many mothers may be so tired or busy that food gets forgotten. So, it is essential to plan simple and healthy meals that include choices from all of the recommended groups from the food pyramid. The food guide pyramid is a guideline to help you eat a healthy diet.

Although most mothers want to lose their pregnancy weight, extreme dieting and rapid weight loss can be hazardous to your health and to your baby’s if you are breastfeeding. It can take several months for a mother to lose the weight she gained during pregnancy. This can be accomplished by cutting out high-fat snacks and concentrating on a diet with plenty of fresh vegetables and fruits, balanced with proteins and carbohydrates. Exercise also helps burn calories and tone muscles and limbs.

Along with balanced meals, breastfeeding mothers should increase fluids. Many mothers find they become very thirsty while the baby is nursing. Water, milk, and fruit juices are excellent choices. It is helpful to keep a pitcher of water and even some healthy snacks beside your bed or breastfeeding chair.

Consult your physician or a registered dietician if you want to learn more about postpartum nutrition. Certified lactation consultants can also help with advice about nutrition while breastfeeding.

help for new parents:
New as well as experienced parents soon realize that babies require a lot of work. Meeting the constant needs of a newborn involves time and energy and often takes parents away from other responsibilities in the home.

Although many parents do fine on their own, having someone else helping with the household responsibilities usually makes the adjustment to a new baby easier. Parents can concentrate on the needs of mother and baby, rather than the laundry or dirty dishes.

Helpers can be family, friends, or a paid home care provider. A family member such as the new baby’s grandmother or aunt may be able to come for a few days or longer. Home care providers offer a variety of services, from nursing care of the new mother and baby to housekeeping and care of other children.

Whoever you decide to have as helpers, be sure to make clear all the things you expect them to do. Communication is important in preventing hurt feelings or misunderstandings when emotions are fragile these first few weeks. It is generally best for the new mother to be relieved of all responsibilities except the feeding and care of herself and her baby. This is especially important if she is breastfeeding. Others should assume the chores in the home such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, and grocery shopping. This will prevent the new mother from limiting her time with her baby to take care of the house.

Source: Lucile Salter Packard Children’s Hospital

Getting angry with your kids

“Even the renowned parenting author, Dr Spock, admitted to once screeching “shut up” to his baby who screamed all night.” Yes, we all get angry with our kids from time to time and before giving an Islamic perspective on this issue, the topic was brought to mind based on this article from www.Momsmatter.co.za :

WHEN PARENTS HAVE A MELTDOWN

by psychologist Kim Traicos

We all love our children… but every parent has at one point or another lost their temper with their child. This is one of those little parenting secrets we all know. Good moms and dads get angry. Good moms and dads are human. Getting angry with your 3-year-old toddler when they are drawing with chocolate ice cream on your white percale linen is normal.

Anger is a normal reaction when a person reaches their limit. Apparently even the renowned parenting author, Dr Spock, admitted to once screeching “shut up” to his baby who screamed all night. But if this is happening a bit too regularly and you’re becoming aware that you’re getting angry most of the time about any little thing, it’s time to do something about it.

What is anger?

Anger is a very natural emotional reaction to something that is a stress, loss or threat to our actual body or perceived part of ourselves such as self esteem or values for example. Basically it is a normal way of our psyche reacting to not getting its way. We believe we are right about something or want something and if things don’t work out for us we get angry. Counselling psychologist Tiffany Gregson explains that anger involves arousal of areas in the brain that are not really reasonable, rational areas. And because of this our reactions are not always reasonable and rational ones. We have to be able to admit we feel real human emotions and admit we need help for those strong emotions we find hard to control.

Strong anger responses often occur when an individual’s resources are low. Parenting is a 24-hour occupation with very few breaks. The break parents do get is often at work, which is no break at all. Helen, mom to three small boys, found herself screaming at her kids after a cramped day inside due to bad weather. “I’d been up all night with my baby, my video machine broke, the tumble dryer stopped midcycle, the cat vomited and my child asked for tea. It was all too much.”

The stress of modern motherhood is often too much and sometimes we explode for the wrong reasons. Under the surface level of anger could lie a complicated network of emotions such as fear, guilt, sadness and hurt.

When our children push our buttons we are in danger of reacting to them as we would toward adults. We rarely stop to realise we’re dealing with a very different situation and often fall into old ways of expressing anger such as holding grudges, giving silent treatment, name calling and sarcasm. And sometimes we can resort to even more damaging swearing, verbal and physical outbursts which are unproductive and unfair in a very one-sided power relationship. If this occurs, our children can be left confused and upset.

Suggestions on how to keep calm

Recognise the progression of anger, from irritation through frustration, anger to rage and aggression. It’s normal to feel these feelings but important to know how to stop the progression to more dangerous levels. You still have control and a choice in how you react. So feel the emotions but don’t let them take control.

If you feel your blood begin to boil, walk away and withdraw until you’re calm.

Stay in the present and don’t bring up everything your child has ever done wrong. Take note if you’re reacting due to past anger in a new situation.

Try to see the humorous side of parenting Tanya, mom to a toddler called Luca, arrived to fetch him from a play date, only to find him and his accomplice covered in mud from head to toe. Instead of losing their tempers both mothers saw the humour in this and hosed their children down. But Tanya notes she did explain to him afterwards why it was wrong to turn a flower bed into a mud bath.

Ensure your boundaries and discipline are sound Parents who yell are parents without a clear plan of action.

Try to remember that you’re the adult April, mom to 3-year-old Emma, finds that Emma responds far better to discussion than to shouting and physical punishment. If April reacts like a child, Emma stops listening.

Remember that children make mistakes and do stupid things without thinking It’s all part of their learning process.

Don’t take it personally. Although it may seem that your child has conspired to make your day hellish it’s often fatigue and overstimulation that sends him over the top with you close behind.

If it’s too late and you already lost your temper, remember that you’re human, restore the good feelings, explain to your child why you lost your temper and apologise.

If you’re exploding too often for your liking:

Think about what the real, underlying problem could be If it’s stress about work or your marriage, work on those. Realise that your anger could be misplaced

Take time for yourself. This is written in every piece of parenting literature available…maybe they have a point? Stress release is an important part of our modern world

Take your anger as the warning sign it is and examine your life. Seeking help from a mental health practitioner is perfectly acceptable and there are anger management courses that offer sound and practical advice for dealing with anger.

Although anger is a natural response it can often be irrational and damaging and then it needs to be addressed. Forgive yourself for your occasional outburst towards your child and know that even children need to know that parents have limits. The highs of parenting are so high such as the happy smiles or extra squeezes your 3-year-old gives you at bed time, but the lows can be equally powerful, such as the surly look you get as your carefully prepared dinner gets hurled across the table. Remember that parenting is emotional and that’s precisely what makes it so rewarding!

A lengthy article on Anger management in Islam can be found here http://www.livingislam.org/m/ami_e.html: We have taken some of the points and republished them below:

The Messenger of Allah, Prophet Muhammad said:

"Whoever curbs his anger, while being able to act, Allah will fill his heart with certainty of faith."
Therefore the consequence for whoever does not curb his anger is that he or she will sooner or later feel its evil consequences.

Anger is a destructive emotion, as a fire which destroys our well-being, consumes our good actions, repels our friends and dear ones, frightens our children and forces the angels to report bad actions for the Heavenly Records. This is a dangerous rough road and no-one is devoid of it and it brings one close to the wrath of Allah; story:

Prophet `Isa (Jesus Christ) -peace be upon him- was once asked: 
"What thing is difficult?" He said: "God’s wrath." Prophet Yahya (John the Baptist) -peace be upon him- then asked: 
"What brings near the wrath of God?" He said: "Anger". 
Yahya – peace be upon him- asked him: 
"What thing grows and increases anger?" Isa -peace be upon him- said: 
"Pride, prestige, hope for honour and haughtiness." [5]

The good news is that when you are ready to confront the evil kind of anger within your soul, then you have already taken the first decisive step in fighting it. The evil kind of anger can be overcome by understanding and following the respective teachings of Islam. If you are not ready, ask yourself the test questions below.[ch.4]

 

Clarification

 

Are all kinds of anger meant here always, or are there instances when anger could still be justified?
Someone could say: "How do I know that my anger is not justified, when I feel strongly about it, that in certain situations I do have the right to become angry?" (As an exception there are a few instances when it is good and allowed, such as in war when fighting the enemy, but not excessive anger.)
Answer: Yes, there are situations where anger is justified and lawful, as "in cases of religious affairs when one’s honour is at stake. It is an effective preventive measure to safeguard the dignity of man.  A person who has no anger is called a coward because he has got no true faith in Allah.  The person fears creation and not the Creator." [2]
But certainly those instances are rare, and what is worse, for a beginner in anger management (AMI) it is difficult to distinguish between those situations from the outset. Later with some success in AMI, that will be easy.
We do not suggest that AMI means you never may get angry, for anger is not to abolished but channelled, and the aim is always to reach your goal with other, reliable and sane methods, in shâh Allah. But to begin with, it is vital to bring it down to lower levels, to temper it, in order to take control over it.
For the time being you should be extremely suspicious about anger in which form or situation what-so-ever. Be warned against it!
Remember that the real strength of a man lies in controlling his wrath or anger. In this respect the Islamic tradition is very clear:
It is reported in a hadith on the authority of Abu Huraira    Allah be pleased with him, that Mohammad, the emissary of Allah peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, said :
"The man is not a good wrestler; the strong man is in fact the person who controls himself at the time of anger." (Bukhari)
In another hadith Abu Hurairah    (radiyallahu `anhu), reported that a man said to the Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wasallam): "Advise me!"
The Prophet said, "Do not become angry and furious."
The man asked (the same) again and again, and the Prophet said in each case, "Do not become angry and furious."
[Al-Bukhari; Vol. 8 No. 137] (see hadith in Arabic at top of page.)
Commenting on this hadith Al-Nawawî says that "he meant to not allow anger to lord over oneself and cause the loss of one’s comportment." Instead to control your anger and never lose control. [11]

Try To Get The Whole Picture – The Causes Of Anger

We are convinced that the Islamic guidance is the best guidance, also in respect of AMI, because it relates to all levels of human beings, where it operates its barakah (Divine blessings): the body (jism), the soul (nafs) and the spirit (rûh), the last being the highest element which governs the rest. Anger is one of several coarse qualities of the soul or heart, which have to be treated by Islam’s spiritual methods. To treat the (spiritual) disease you have to know its causes. Imam al Ghazali explains them as follows:

The causes which cause anger to grow are self-conceit, self-praise, jests and ridicule, argument, treachery, too much greed for too much wealth and name and fame. If these evils are united in a person, his conduct becomes bad and he cannot escape anger. So these things should be removed by their opposites. Self-praise is to be removed by modesty. Pride is to be removed by one’s own origin and birth, greed is to be removed by remaining satisfied with necessary things, and miserliness by charity

Or summarized in four words:

"Pride, prestige, hope for honour and haughtiness."

The goal is to purify the heart, free it from oblivion of the rang of human beings, neglect of Allahs commands, and … so as to reach the Divine Presence.
In this context there is the Gabriel-hadith on excellence (ihsân) in Islam (as part of a longer hadith[13]): A man asked the Emissary of Allah : "Then tell me about Ihsan." He said: 
"It is to worship Allah as though you are seeing Him,
and while you see Him not yet — truly He sees you."
Also in the Quran we are constantly reminded that Allah sees and hears us, thus watching over us all the time. Knowing this how can anyone be so carried away by his (her) passions – and devoid of godfearingness (taqwâ) to behave like an ugly, crazy person, chasing around and abusing people?
It becomes clear then that in reality anger is a secret disease, like for example alcoholism, which has to be treated just like any other disease, and it is you yourself who has to take the decisive step to curb it, with Allah’s help.
In this context it is important to remember that AMI is part of a comprehensive treatment of the heart, not isolated methods.
Therefore come to terms with yourself (nafs) and see your propensity toward the anger-syndrome! 
To start with ask yourself the following questions:

a. Do you become angry when things are not going your way?
b. Does it make you angry when something happens contrary to what you expected or what you wished for?
c. When starting to get angry, did you ever become aware of how your emotions are kindled or heating up?
c. When you are angry, do you say or do things which normally you would not?
d. When you are angry, do you feel you have to act in a certain manner, without any control?
e. Do you – after your anger has subsided – regret what you said or did, or how you appeared in front of people?

If you answered most or all of the above questions with ‘yes’, then you are on your way and you will easily understand the following diagrams which show the anger levels and how to curb it over time (ch.5) :
You may ask if there is anything which can be done about this problem of losing one’s temper, and you may think that this is the way you are, this is your character and that a change would be impossible. But you can change and
AMI was conceived to show how to succeed in dealing with this disease, once its evil roots have been understood. Then, soon, you will enjoy the sweet fruit of having overcome it. Someone[18] said in this respect, that winning over his anger is a sweet thing indeed.

 

Medicines recommended by Imam Al-Ghazalî

We are describing below the medicines of anger after one gets angry. This medicine is a mixture of knowledge and action. 
7a. The medicine based on knowledge is of six kinds:  
(1) The first medicine of knowledge is to think over the rewards of appeasing anger, that have come from the verses of the Quran and the sayings of the Prophet . Your hope for getting rewards of appeasing anger will restrain you from taking revenge. 
(2) The second kind of medicine based on knowledge is to fear the punishment of God and to think that the punishment of God upon me is greater than my punishment upon him. If I take revenge upon this man for anger, God will take revenge upon me on the Judgement Day. 
(3) The third kind of medicine of anger based on knowledge is to take precaution about punishment of enemity and revenge on himself. You feel joy in having your enemy in your presence in his sorrows, You yourself are not free from that danger. You will fear that your enemy might take revenge against you in this world and in the next. 
(4) Another kind of medicine based on knowledge is to think about the ugly face of the angry man, which is just like that of the ferocious beast. He who appeases anger looks like a sober and learned man. 
(5) The fifth kind of medicine based on knowledge is to think that the devil will advise by saying: " You will be weak if you do not get angry!" Do not listen to him! 
(6) The sixth reason is to think: " What reason have I got to get angry? What Allah wishes has occured!"
7b. The medicine based on action is of three kinds:
(m1) When you get angry, say: I seek refuge in God from the accursed evil (a`ûdhû billâhi min ash-shaytân ir rajîm). The Prophet ordered us to say thus.
When Ayesha (ra) got angry, he dragged her by the nose and said: 
"O dear Ayesha, say: O God, you are the Lord of my prophet Muhammad, forgive my sins and remove the anger from my heart and save me from misguidance."
(m2) If anger does not go away by this means, you will sit down if you are standing, lie down if you are sitting, and come near to earth, as you have been created of earth. Thus make yourself calm like the earth. The cause of wrath is heat and its opposite is to lie down on the ground and to make the body calm and cool.
The Prophet said: Anger is a burning coal. Don’t you see your eyebrows wide and eyes reddish? So when one of you feels angry, let him sit down if standing, and lie down if sitting.
(m3) If still anger does not stop, make ablution with cold water or take a bath, as fire cannot be extinguished without water.
The Prophet said : "When one of you gets angry, let him make ablution with water as anger arises out of fire."
In another narration, he said: "Anger comes from the devil and the devil is made of fire." [5]

 

 

Do you have any tips to help parents deal with anger in the household? Please share with us…use the comments box below or email info@muslimmums.co.za

Contraception – Islamic viewpoint

Sheikh Ahmad Kutty, a senior lecturer and Islamic scholar at the Islamic Institute of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, states:

“Marriage in Islam is based not on one single objective or purpose such as procreation or sexual fulfillment. Rather, it is intended to cater to multiple purposes which include, above all, spiritual tranquility and peace, and cooperation and partnership in fulfilling the divine mandate. Let me explain this briefly.

Islam, being a natural way of life, takes into account all of genuine human instincts such as physical, spiritual, intellectual, emotional, et cetera. It is for this reason that, unlike some other religious ideologies, Islam looks at sexuality positively. In other words, instead of attaching any taboo to sexual fulfillment, Islam teaches us to celebrate sexuality within the framework of a lawful union.

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “You merit rewards of charity in your sexual union with your spouses!”His companions asked in surprise, “How shall we getting rewards for fulfilling our natural instincts?” He asked, “What if someone were to fulfill his desire unlawfully; would he/she be punished for doing so?” They replied, “Certainly.” Then he said, “Likewise, when one does it within the framework of marriage, he/she will be rewarded for it!”

Although sexuality is one of the main purposes of marriage, it is not the sole one. According to the clear statement of the Qur’an, tranquility and peace through a successful union is considered the primary objective of marriage: “Among His signs is that He created for you spouses of your own kind in order that you may repose to them in tranquility and He instilled in your hearts love and affection for one another; verily, in these are signs for those who reflect (on the nature of the reality).” (Ar-Rum: 21).

In another place, Allah refers to the relationship between males and females in terms of partnership for achieving goodness and fulfilling the divine mandate for their lives. “The believers, males and females, are partners of one another; they shall jointly enjoin all that is good and counsel against all that is evil.” (At-Tawbah: 71). And procreation of the human species is also another important purpose, although marriage is still valid if, for one reason or another, the stated purpose of procreation cannot be achieved.

Now coming to the issue of birth control, there is nothing in Islam that prohibits it so long as it is done consensually for valid reasons such as the following: putting off pregnancy until such time when the spouses are in a better position to shoulder the responsibilities of parenting, to allow for space between pregnancies in order to provide proper nurturing and care to existing children, et cetera.

Birth control is, however, forbidden or undesirable when it is resorted to as a permanent measure to prevent conception altogether; likewise, it is forbidden if resorted to for fear of poverty. Allah says, “Don’t kill your children for fear of poverty; it is We who provide sustenance for them and you; verily killing them is a most heinous crime!” (Al-Isra’: 31). After reflecting on this verse, scholars have concluded that practicing birth control for fear of poverty is unlawful since it implies weakness of faith and trust in Allah as the Provider and Sustainer of all beings.”

Excerpted, with slight modifications, from: www.muslims.ca

Source: IslamOnline.net

Surveying a Sample of New Age-Defying Potions

Soomaya Gaffoor

One month ago I found a grey hair. I looked in the mirror, and suddenly there it was. This long, grey strand of hair. I took a closer look, and horror of horrors, there was more than one! Where the hell did they come from?! I had to sit down. This was too much. Just the other day, I had walked into a room and completely forgot what I had gone in there for!

And, I had started calling my three year old daughter by my sister’s name. Only my mother does that!

It seems like all hope is gone. Somehow, I have reached the ripe old age of thirty! What am I going to do?!

I speak to my sister. She’s a beauty therapist. At least I can do something to make sure I look young. She tells me I need to start using a good face cream to make sure those dreaded wrinkles and crow’s feet don’t start appearing. So I look for a good face cream. I didn’t know they were so expensive! After much searching, I eventually find one that’s not too expensive. It’s supposed to even out my skin and prevent dark patches, and make me look radiant. Yay!

So I start using the face cream. But now I notice stretchmarks on my body! Okay, I’ve had two children, so stretchmarks are bound to appear at some time, but why now?! I’ve got to do something! I go to the shops and find out that they’ve got a whole shelf dedicated to my dilemma! These creams are also very expensive, but according to one of my friends, they work. I choose the one that combats stretchmarks and gets rid of cellulite. Not that I have cellulite. No. I’ve just got a teensy little problem on certain parts of my body. Looks like orange peel.

As I’m going to pay, I notice the hair dyes, and remember my three grey hairs. Well, since I’m here, I might as well sort that out too. I choose a reddish colour. I saw this teenager with the exact same shade of hair, and she looked wonderful.

Now the amazing thing is, right next to the hair dyes, there’s a shelf for vitamin supplements. I take a closer look, and suddenly there’s this young, beautiful, toned girl asking me if I’ve tried the new range of slimming tablets on show. Man, I just hung my head in shame and said no. So, she proceeded to show me all the different types. There’s one you can take in the morning, one you can take at lunch, one for the evening, and, for a limited time, there’s all three selling at a special introductory price. “Does it work?” I ask her. She gives me a very understanding smile and says that yes, it does work. So I take all three, and a bottle of herbal tablets that’s supposed to make you concentrate more easily, and head for the till.

As soon as I go home I start using my purchases. I line up all my tablets in a neat row so I know which one to take when. My husband looks like he’s going to ask me about them, but before he does, I growl at him. He backs off. I then proceed to the bathroom to line up my creams, so I don’t forget to use them.

So that was one month ago. Since then, I’ve used my new hair dye, and now I have hair that’s a wonderful shade of orange. Very attractive, or so my husband tells me. I’ve stopped using the tablets. They gave me an infection. I don’t want to talk about where. As for the cellulite cream, I’ve decided to just buy big, tight underwear instead. I’ve heard it helps.

The face cream works. But I do feel like I need to use a proper cleanser first. So today I went to the shops again to look for a cleanser. I also needed some spices, so I stopped at the spice stall first. There I met this lady who asked me if I ate a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables, and what did I use on my face because she just thought that I had the most beautiful looking skin, and I should really just thank God for giving me such radiant looking skin.

I thanked her, and as I walked off, I thought that maybe this was a message from God that I didn’t need to buy the cleanser. After all, I do have radiant skin!

Fatwa: Baby’s vomit and cleanliness

Question
What is the ruling with regard to the vomit of a breast-feeding child? Is it impure? Will it be permissible to perform salâh with such clothing on which a baby’s vomit fell?

Answer
If the milk drank by the baby went down his/her throat and then is vomited out, even if it be immediately without it being digested, it is impure and would have to be washed off from one’s body and clothes before performing salâh. In the case where the vomit is less than a dirham (approximately the size of the inside of one’s palm), a person should still wash his clothes before salâh. Yes, if salâh is performed in that condition, the salâh will be valid. However, to do so is inappropriate and incorrect.

Fatwa from Mufti Muhammad Abubakr Minty of Madrasah Mazaahir al-Uloom, Johannesburg almazaahir@gmail.com courtesy of muslimsatwork.co.za

Moral Foundation of a Household

In most people’s lives, the sacrifices made by their mother are the driving force behind their successes and achievements. For example, in the inner city we find many fathers leave their children at a young age, forcing the mother to work multiple jobs just so her kids can have a meal on the table. Examples like this prove that mothers play such a key role in the way a household shapes out. A community with a foundation of strong mothers will lead to a community with strong leaders for the future. That is why understanding the role of the mother and the correct treatment by husbands towards their wives plays such a key role in the upbringing of children.

One may ask: what is the role of the mother within a household? To cook? To clean? Those may seem like no-brainers, but those are not requirements that a wife has to fulfill. Cooking and cleaning are done out of love for her family, not because it is required. Rather, the primary role of a mother is proper upbringing of the children within a household.

In early marriages, we find that the father is out working most of the day to provide a living, which leaves the wife at home with the children practically for the majority of a day. The way the mother acts as an individual and the way she deals with her children goes a long way in determining how the children will grow up to be. That is why it is necessary for the mother to be the moral foundation of a household. We see today in society that the most successful mothers were the ones who were true to their family and to themselves and were constantly caring for their families and giving love to her children. Children with such mothers turn out to be morally upright individuals and leaders within the community.

On the flip side, sadly we also find mothers who are careless in their approaches to their family. Materialistic wants become more of a priority than raising children. As this happens, children are neglected and have no one to guide them. When children with such mothers grow up, they are lost within a society with many traps. Morally these children will indulge in satanic elements because they will not be able to handle the temptations of wrongdoing. In our communities, families are in disarray because of the lack of moral foundation within households.

Understanding the role of the mother in a household is crucial, but the correct treatment of the wife by the husband is just as important. Love must be reciprocal in a relationship. The onus is upon the husband to show love to his wife consistently. Reciprocal love by both sides leads to a more peaceful and stable relationship. Tension between the wife and the husband will have an effect on the way the children grow up. Tension-filled households will lead to divided households where family members will not talk to each other.

Today, many men have the notion that women are essentially servants within the relationship. This backward mentality needs to be rooted out. It is a narrated that in their entire marital life, Imam Khomeini never asked his wife for a glass of water even once. Within stories like this are messages for men to learn. We men must understand that women are not machines that can do ten things at once. We should aid and assist in chores around the house in order to ensure that our wives are not overly burdened. If that entails doing laundry or even doing dishes after dinner in order to lessen the load off his wife, then the husband must happily undertake these tasks. A man must do everything in his power to keep his wife happy, because she is the one who wakes up in the middle of the night to feed the young infant and the one who stays up caring for the child who has a temperature and is very ill.

Understanding family dynamics is essential for people of all ages. Advancement of family relationships surely produces a moral society and morally upright leaders for the future.

Source: Islamic Insights

Remedies for confining mothers

After posting the Jungle juice recipe, I began searching for more info relating to the ‘Indian’ traditions of huwavar or post-partum confinement. I found an excellent article by Radio Islam which has been ‘tweeked’ slightly. Great recipes included so do share with your mothers-in-law:

THE POSTPARTUM PERIOD

It has become a norm in today’s times that the first time mums-to-be go to their parents home for delivery, and confinement.

Before confinement, foods rich in prophylactic, gestation and foetus maturation values, are prepared and it is strongly believed that the mother’s well being will be inherited by the child.

The making of these foods is a dying art, as the modern trend is to imbibe medicines and vitamins in the form of a sugar coated pill rather than a laboriously processed food.

Some of these formulae are heirlooms of the past and as such have a prized position in the cooking repertoires of the Indian grannies.

Yes after the birth of the new born baby, the new mum’s diet is strictly circumscribed. She is to eat foods that will ward off colds, and prevent backache; she is to avoid foods which will distress the breastfed baby. Her diet must ensure regular bowel movement and certain foods taken by her will aid her baby in burping out wind.

The postpartum period begins after the delivery of the baby and ends when the mother’s body has returned close to its pre-pregnant state.

New moms deserve special attention to rebuild their strength after giving birth. Nutrition and plenty of rest are essential to new moms to help their bodies recover.

Traditionally new mums are offered specific foods during confinement.

These foods are believed to speed up recovery and provide vital nutrients to the new mother and her baby. But, there is a flip side as well. Most of these foods are calorie- rich, laden with nuts, ghee and sugar and may make you gain excess weight.

However, grand mothers, mums and in-laws may insist you follow tradition. While some new mums may find it difficult to go against their elders’ wishes – others happily oblige and enjoy the pampering!

Whatever the case, do bear in mind that moderation is the key.

Eating light, easy to digest food is important. Green vegetables, vegetables from the squash family, moong (dal), and whole-wheat bread are all good choices. Avoid cabbage, beans and lentils are considered harder to digest and create gas in the body. Also avoid anything sour, like tomatoes, tamarind, lemon, and oranges.

As a new mum, you may often wonder what you need to eat or drink to increase the production of breast milk. Certain foods (known as galactagogue foods) are known to stimulate the production of breast milk.

While herbs such as fenugreek and fennel have been used for centuries to increase a nursing mother’s milk supply, little is known about how herbs affect a nursing baby. Play it safe and consult with your doctor before taking any herbal remedy. Also increase your intake of water as it is a major constituent of breast milk. It will help maintain your milk production. Ensure that you drink at least 10-12 glasses of water every day.

Here are some Traditional confinement foods that consumed by new mum’s.

PHAAKI; A snack that aids digestion and is a remedy for flatulence. Looks similar to suk-muk.

It is made up of ajmo, huwa, methi, jeero, hing, array and dry ginger.

LAAI; milk drink for confining mothers

Made up of singhora powder, ghee, fresh ground almonds and milk.

This milk drink is very nourishing for both mother and baby.

HUWA WATER

Made with water, huwa and methi.

Drink huwa water instead of tap water. Basically boil water, add huwa seeds, fill in jug and drink throughout the day.

And/or

CAROM AND FENNEL SEEDS WATER - (Ajwain aur saunf ka paani).

Carom seeds are believed to help in cleansing the stomach and uterus; fennel helps increasing milk production and prevents colic in your baby.

Ingredients:

1 litre filtered water

1 tbsp fennel seeds (saunf)

3/4th tbsp carom seeds (ajwain)

Method:

In a pan add fennel and carom seeds to one litre of filtered water.

Bring the mixture to boil.

Lower the flame and let the mixture cook for another 10-15 minutes.

Allow it to cool until lukewarm.

Strain and store the water in a thermos, so that the mixture remains warm for several hours.

Sip in this water all through the day.

ALMOND BADAAM MILK;

Ingredients:

5-7 almonds (badaam) soaked overnight and peeled

4 black pepper corn seeds (kali mirch) soaked overnight

A pinch of turmeric (haldi)

1 glass skimmed/double toned milk

½ tsp ghee

½-1 tsp honey/ sugar/jaggery/ghor

Method:

Grind almonds and pepper corns into fine paste.

In a pan, heat ghee and fry the paste till it turns golden brown. Add

turmeric power. Fry for about one minute.

Now add milk to the paste and stir.

Bring mixture to boil.

Add honey/sugar/jaggery/ghor to the milk. Serve hot.

SOME MORE REMEDIES;

• Turmeric helps heal internal wounds – Take a half-teaspoon turmeric powder every day with lukewarm milk or water. Turmeric has many other health effects.

• Fenugreek seeds are great to help prevent and ease back and joint pain. Fenugreek seeds or fresh fenugreek are also taken to help nursing mothers increase their breast milk supply. Fenugreek is also available at many health food stores.

• Ajwain (carom seeds) helps soothe pain due to gas or indigestion.

Every morning boil four glasses of water with two tablespoon of carom seeds (ajwain). Let it cool down to room temperature and drink this water throughout the day. Add ajwain as an ingredient when making roti or cooking vegetables.

• Dry ginger powder also known as sauth; take with food. Ginger offers health benefits, including anti-inflammation effects, and can also be found in health food stores.

• Gaund (or Gond) is an edible gum resin that is extracted from the bark of the tree. Gaund provides heat to our body and is usually eaten in cold winter months. Gaund and whole wheat ka ladoo is normally prepared for the nursing mother to help with lactation and provide nutrients for the baby. The main ingredients are whole-wheat flour, butter, nuts, gaund, poppy seeds, and sugar.

Things to keep in mind…

• Remember moderation is the key.
• Exercise some caution when choosing herbs and spices.
• Try a few different options first and see what works best for you and your baby.
• You may also want to consider switching a certain beverage if you find it does not agree with your system or if your baby gets fussy.

POSTPARTUM HEALING ADVICES

Encourage mothers to do as little as possible until she feels well again. Create a food tree of friends and nearby family who are willing to bring mom yummy and easy to digest foods everyday, and won’t mind doing some laundry or dishes.

Emphasize mainly on the proper diet regime for this time to ensure the health of both baby and mother. Foods need to be fresh, not processed, served warmed, very soupy, and moist in consistency. Dishes should be prepared with digestive spices such as cumin, caraway, ginger, mustard seed, clove, basil, turmeric, fenugreek, cinnamon, and garlic (roasted only).

Avoid eating meat for at least two weeks. Soup stocks are okay.

Avoid caffeine; white sugar; raw vegetables’ dry, light, crunchy foods; too many beans and too many eggs.

Make sure mother and baby are warm, oily, and feeling loved. That means lots of sesame oil rubbed gently on their skin daily. Use lots of sesame oil, olive oil.

Stay warm indoors.

Most importantly, assure mom that it is okay for her to take this time to receive so much love and support, no matter how awkward it may feel for her. Make her feel special, loved and care.

Also, the famous Indian Delights book published by the Women’s Cultural Group has tips for the confinement period.

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