Surveying a Sample of New Age-Defying Potions

Soomaya Gaffoor

One month ago I found a grey hair. I looked in the mirror, and suddenly there it was. This long, grey strand of hair. I took a closer look, and horror of horrors, there was more than one! Where the hell did they come from?! I had to sit down. This was too much. Just the other day, I had walked into a room and completely forgot what I had gone in there for!

And, I had started calling my three year old daughter by my sister’s name. Only my mother does that!

It seems like all hope is gone. Somehow, I have reached the ripe old age of thirty! What am I going to do?!

I speak to my sister. She’s a beauty therapist. At least I can do something to make sure I look young. She tells me I need to start using a good face cream to make sure those dreaded wrinkles and crow’s feet don’t start appearing. So I look for a good face cream. I didn’t know they were so expensive! After much searching, I eventually find one that’s not too expensive. It’s supposed to even out my skin and prevent dark patches, and make me look radiant. Yay!

So I start using the face cream. But now I notice stretchmarks on my body! Okay, I’ve had two children, so stretchmarks are bound to appear at some time, but why now?! I’ve got to do something! I go to the shops and find out that they’ve got a whole shelf dedicated to my dilemma! These creams are also very expensive, but according to one of my friends, they work. I choose the one that combats stretchmarks and gets rid of cellulite. Not that I have cellulite. No. I’ve just got a teensy little problem on certain parts of my body. Looks like orange peel.

As I’m going to pay, I notice the hair dyes, and remember my three grey hairs. Well, since I’m here, I might as well sort that out too. I choose a reddish colour. I saw this teenager with the exact same shade of hair, and she looked wonderful.

Now the amazing thing is, right next to the hair dyes, there’s a shelf for vitamin supplements. I take a closer look, and suddenly there’s this young, beautiful, toned girl asking me if I’ve tried the new range of slimming tablets on show. Man, I just hung my head in shame and said no. So, she proceeded to show me all the different types. There’s one you can take in the morning, one you can take at lunch, one for the evening, and, for a limited time, there’s all three selling at a special introductory price. “Does it work?” I ask her. She gives me a very understanding smile and says that yes, it does work. So I take all three, and a bottle of herbal tablets that’s supposed to make you concentrate more easily, and head for the till.

As soon as I go home I start using my purchases. I line up all my tablets in a neat row so I know which one to take when. My husband looks like he’s going to ask me about them, but before he does, I growl at him. He backs off. I then proceed to the bathroom to line up my creams, so I don’t forget to use them.

So that was one month ago. Since then, I’ve used my new hair dye, and now I have hair that’s a wonderful shade of orange. Very attractive, or so my husband tells me. I’ve stopped using the tablets. They gave me an infection. I don’t want to talk about where. As for the cellulite cream, I’ve decided to just buy big, tight underwear instead. I’ve heard it helps.

The face cream works. But I do feel like I need to use a proper cleanser first. So today I went to the shops again to look for a cleanser. I also needed some spices, so I stopped at the spice stall first. There I met this lady who asked me if I ate a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables, and what did I use on my face because she just thought that I had the most beautiful looking skin, and I should really just thank God for giving me such radiant looking skin.

I thanked her, and as I walked off, I thought that maybe this was a message from God that I didn’t need to buy the cleanser. After all, I do have radiant skin!