Parenting: Discipline

Differences Between Punishment and Discipline

DISCIPLINE /PUNISHMENT
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Encourages the development of internal controls.
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Child learn to cooperate in order to feel good about himself
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Is consistent but flexible
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Is logical and predictable
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Encourages the making of wise choices and independent thinking
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Develops high self-esteem
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Encourages conscience development
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Flourishes in a democratic atmosphere
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Implies realistic expectations of the child
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Encourages warm, caring relationships.

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Allows child to learn from mistakes
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Focuses on behaviour without condemning the child
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Implies moral judgment and equates the person with the wrong behaviour
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Permits choices and encourages a sense of autonomy and responsibility
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Is concerned with present
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PUNISHMENT
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Relies on external control
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Child learns to obey to avoid pain or discomfort
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May be inconsistent or rigid
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Is often arbitrary and illogical
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Is based on power and control
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Develops shame, guilt and anxiety
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Encourages rebellion and deceit or dependent submissiveness
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Belongs within an autocratic, authoritarian environment
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May be inappropriate for the child’s developmental level
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Encourages relationships based on fear and avoidance of hurt or power struggles.
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Makes child afraid of making mistakes
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Demands obedience and encourages dependence

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Frequently drags up the past
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EFFECTIVE PARENTING DISCIPLINE WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE

1. Negotiate rules with your children.
2. Enhance their self-esteem.
3. Teach accountability and consequences.
4. Parents must be role-models.
5. Parents must understand the life-world of children.
6. Teach children to be assertive.
7. Discuss and debate issues with your children.
8. Be an empathetic listener.
9. Bond with your children.
10. Punitive measures must be agreed upon and implemented.
11. Need for consistency.
12. Rewards must be used appropriately.
13. Intrinsic motivation and self-discipline needs to be applauded and encouraged.
14. Both parents must be consistent – no spouse must be undermined.
15. Discipline must be underpinned by love.
16. Avoid blaming, shaming and ridiculing such as “you are stupid.”
17. It is never too late to start.
18. Stay in a relationship with your children.
19. Affirm your children.
20. Look at the strengths of your children.
21. Remember comparisons are often odious.

Source: edriskhamissa.com

The 2 Biggest Discipline Mistakes

Author: Erin Kurt

Source: Erinparenting.com

The two biggest mistakes that parents, teachers or caregivers make in dealing with children are the following:

1) Too much talking
2) Too much emotion

Sometimes parents talk and explain in a sweet voice hoping that after a beautifully crafted lecture their child will fully understand and will never misbehave in that way again. Other times parents get angry and start yelling or lecturing with huge emotion. Both of these situations do not create the desired outcome.

Let’s look at the first example. When a parent talks and explains why doing something isn’t right they are assuming that their child has the reasoning skills of an adult. Children are born quite unreasonable actually and only learn the basics of cause and effect gradually. Our job as parents is to teach them that their choices have consequences and that they must choose their actions wisely. This understanding will only come through practice – practice of experiencing a consequence after misbehaving, not by listening to an irritating and distracting lecture or soliloquy – no matter how kind and loving we sound.

Remember this: If you talk too much, you will take your child’s focus off the need for good behavior and turn it onto the possibility of an enjoyable argument or game.

Let’s turn now to the second example of using too much emotion. The desired effect is not going to be reached again because by seeing you upset, your child almost gets a rush. Let me explain.

The moment our children turn 2 years of age they begin to want to be like five-year-olds, who can do a lot more. The five-year-olds in turn want to be like ten-year-olds. The point here is that our children want to feel like they have some control over their lives and when they see that they can make you upset, they feel more in control, more powerful. This is by no means your child trying to be malicious; it’s simply a part of their natural development.

I love a quote I heard once from Dr. Thomas Phelan. He said, “If you have a child who is doing something you don’t like, get real upset about it on a regular basis and sure enough she’ll repeat it for you!” This is SO true.

The lesson for parents is this; stick to using a matter-of-fact voice and just state clearly and concisely what it is your child needs to do in that moment – no lecturing, no emotion.

http://www.erinparenting.com/?page_id=13

Let the Child be a Child

By Mohammed Khalfan of Dar el Salaam, Tanzania

A child was visited at home by his friend. That night the child declined to sleep in his room. He insisted on joining the parents in their bedroom. The fear was triggered when the friend asked the child if he was afraid to sleep so close to a window when ghosts and spirits peep directly into the room.

The tactful approach to the situation should have been for the parents to accede to what the child had pleaded for, at least, for that night knowing that such fears wear off or become much less the next day. Instead they thought it a good opportunity to enforce the parental discipline over the child so that he abandons what was perceived as a sissy trait.

The child was restless that night because he was a human child, and if only the parents knew that! The father’s argument kept ringing in his ears: “why believe in a ghost or spirit when you have seen none and will see none of them ever in your life?” and he would ask himself: yes, why?

The child was betraying nothing more than a simple natural fear of the Unseen, because he, as human, has been created with a nature which readily believes in the Unseen – that Unseen which includes Allah, Angels, Jinns and Shaitan. No wonder the fundamental teaching in Islam is Iman bil Ghaib that is, the Belief in the Unseen.

The subject of Al-Ghaib reveals one thoughtful aspect for discussion here: fear! It is a part of the instinct for self-preservation or survival. It is not something that a child should be made ashamed of. In fact, manifestation of fear is a welcome sign of a mental normalcy in him.

To ask the child to banish fear is like asking him to banish his human instinct. A good authority on the natural aspect of fear in the children states:

Another characteristic of the child’s personality is the presence of many fears. These fears result from uncertainty combined with easy recourse to imagination. The imagination runs toward superlatives, and when a child indulges in fantasy, things are either very attractive or very threatening.

We can ascribe a reason for this in the context of Islam: imagination by the child or his fantasy is a phase of manifestation of his attempt at perceiving things which are and remain Unseen. The child’s negative fear of an unseen being like a ghost or spirit indicates one important thing – the existence of the natural positive capacity for submission to his Creator – in the realm of the Unseen. It is a manifestation of Al Iman bil Ghaib.

So let the child be a child, because treating him as an adult will not turn him into an adult before his time!

May Allah help us relate to our children as Prophet Muhammad (peace & blessings be upon him) related with his grandsons. May He help us treat them mercifully when they need affection and firmly when they need discipline.

Reprinted from the IslamiCity bulletin

Source: Zawaj.com

Discipline

Why is “No” his favourite word?

DEALING WITH NEGATIVISM
Your baby’s negativism (saying “no” all the time, running away, throwing things, and so on) has probably surged lately. This affects feeding, sleeping, playing, teasing – all the areas of important communication between parents and child. He is actively testing his limits thanks to his new-found mobility, awareness that people and objects have permanence, and heightened ability to manipulate and control toys and his environment. Tantrums are common at this age, along with other types of openly negative, provocative behaviour. Discipline, then, becomes a critical part of your role as parents in the second year. Again, be consistent in your rules and turn away when you get very angry.

Planning your long-term discipline strategies

A LONG-TERM GOAL
As your child starts testing you and the limits you’ve set, remember that discipline means teaching, not punishment. Discipline is a long-term goal, and your goal is to teach your child to limit himself. What you do at any one time isn’t the issue. It’s being consistent and imposing limits wisely, when they really matter, that count.

Parenting classes

BACK TO SCHOOL
If you haven’t already, you might think about taking a parenting class on discipline. In some areas these are provided by health visitors or parenting organisations. It’s important to get some information on this topic and to discuss with your partner how you plan to set limits. You may be surprised at the different views you have on this topic, so try to agree on an approach as soon as possible. Spouses who feel similarly about most things may find that they have very different ideas about disciplining their children. Sit down and discuss various approaches. Consistency is the most important thing for your child. If you cannot agree, how can he know how to behave well for both of you? Ask your health care provider for some suggestions on local parenting programs if you think you could benefit from them.

FYI:
It’s also a good idea to get some advice on babies’ sleep patterns, behaviour management or choosing day-care. Classes are sometimes available through the community colleges, from your health visitors or parenting organisations. Your health visitor or your GP as well as other mothers are the people to ask. Meeting other families can be another real plus of taking these classes. You and your child should have a community of people who can provide the emotional and practical support you’ll need as parents.

Tips
Moments to treasure
When you want to treat your child to a fun activity, put your stale bread to good use and go and feed the ducks. Take a trip to a nearby lake or pond to see where the ducks live, and bring along a picnic for the two of you while you’re at it.

The above post is courtesy of the Pampers Newsletter for children aged 12-24 months.