All about trust – a baby’s first lesson

By Tasneem Basha

It’s been nine long months and you are finally able to look into the eyes of your little bundle of joy, examine each little finger and toe and be mesmerised at even the whorls of your babys’ ears. But, if you’re anything like me, you soon realise that you can only be goo-goo eyed for so long, before you have to face the fact that your life as you know it has been completely and utterly overhauled. The question begs to be asked “what happens now?”, and of course there are no shortage of answers. People will tell you all sorts of things; that your newborn is too hot or too cold, needs to bathed or fed, that your little one has colic, what you can and cant eat and will remind you of the multitude of things you did ‘wrong’ while you were pregnant. It is, of course, completely up to you whose advice you take but do remember that Allah has empowered you with intrinsic knowledge as well.

Visiting family who had just welcomed their newest member recently, I overheard the remark “he likes to be in the arms”…isn’t this a debate we know so well. Are you spoiling the baby if you carry him too much?

The first thing we’re going to do here is forget about the baby and its still rudimentary coping skills and focus on you, the well developed adult, for now. Let’s imagine you woke up tomorrow in a foreign land, no sense of belonging, you don’t recognize anyone, you cant understand what they’re saying and you really want something, anything, but you have not the faintest idea what it is. Would you imagine this situation to be a difficult one? Scary? Overwhelming even? If you can imagine this, then you have some idea of a newborns perception of this world.

So of course your baby ‘likes to be in the arms’. He only knows being carried from inception, being snug and safe held in your womb. Your baby has been removed from a small enclosed space into a massive wide world (even if it is just the nursery), everything is new and not in an anticipatory way. Do you really think a baby being carried by her mother is thinking smugly to herself ‘hah! Got the old lady to carry me, that’ll show her’. I seriously doubt it. It’s not the feeling of being carried that your baby wants, it’s the feeling of being safe. The sensation of hunger or thirst that we as adults take for granted can seem an insurmountable and terrifying experience for a baby. Your baby doesn’t know what this gnawing feeling in his stomach is, why it’s there or what will make it go away. She cant name the lethargy that comes over her and threatens to take her primary caregivers out of her sight. She cant reason loud sounds or know it will go away. And you cant explain it to her or answer any of her questions. There is one thing you CAN do though, and that is reassure her.

You see, the most important thing a child needs to learn in his/her first year is not routine or discipline. It’s trust. Your baby needs to trust that you will keep her safe, safe from all her yet unnamed feelings and sensations. Safe from herself even when she cries too loudly and cant calm down by herself. Safe from your own anger and frustration. Yes, shock horror, new mummies do get angry and frustrated-it’s natural, expected even. And it’s at times when you feel like this that you need to be able to hand over to some-one you trust and not feel guilty about it.

Another thing babies don’t know about is schedules. I once questioned what a ‘demand-feed baby’ was and was told; ‘a baby that wants to be fed whenever she’s hungry’. Well dear me, I know a few adults like that too; they eat as soon as they’re hungry (sometimes when they’re not hungry too), they don’t wait 4 hours until the next mealtime. You eat when you’re hungry and drink when you’re thirsty so why would you expect a baby to do otherwise? A hungry baby will cry, should you deny this hungry baby a feed he will be in distress too. Is it any wonder then that he cries? The next time he’s hungry he will anticipate being ignored and feeding will become an experience he associates with fear. Establish a relationship of your baby’s needs being met and she will develop into a confident child knowing that she can trust her support system. In time she can and will learn to cope by herself knowing that if she cannot get it right, her caregivers are there to make sure everything turns out just fine. If her cries are responded too, she will learn that she has value. If she is made to feel safe, she will trust and learn.

In between all the nappy changes, feeding and burping remember that your baby is learning. His weight and health will be checked regularly but it is up to you to give him a good foundation to build his psyche on. Remember that newborns still experience the world through their mothers, so make sure you’re okay too – we’ll deal with this aspect in another article insha Allah.

A special Jazakallahu Khairan to Sr Tasneem for taking the time to write this. Your contribution is much appreciated. Muslimmums.co.za

Top babycare tips for new parents

A LOT TO LEARN
When it comes to caring for a newborn, new parents have much learning to do – and instantly! Trust your motherly instincts, and remember that your midwife team, your GP, and friends and family, are only a phone call away. So don’t struggle alone if you feel you need some help or advice.

NAPPY CHANGING
You’re going to be changing a lot of nappies from now on (an average of 10 per 24 hours!). So it’s important to get the hang of it quickly. Firstly, when it comes to newborns, having a clean nappy on at all times is vital, as the skin is still so fragile. If your baby is wet after a feed, change him, don’t wait until the nappy is soaking or he’s had a bowel movement. As long as the skin under the nappy feels dry to the touch, you needn’t wipe this area if you’re only changing a wet nappy. Modern, good quality nappies are designed to keep in all the moisture from urine, so it’s only when your little one has a dirty nappy that you have to wipe the skin clean. You can clean the genital area with cotton wool and water or use wipes suitable for newborn. It is not advisable to use nappy creams or powder on newborn skin. Your baby is very unlikely to develop nappy rash at this stage if you are changing him often and keeping him clean and dry. But if the skin does appear sore and red, inform your midwife or doctor for advice, and opt for a very plain, barrier ointment.

HELPFUL TIPS
Expect to change your baby after every feed and after a long sleep. When replacing the nappy, place the new one under the baby so that it is well centred and stretches about half way up his back. The two front-fastening tabs should reach equally round the sides to the front of the nappy, and should be stuck down firmly to achieve a snug fit – but not too tight that it leaves the skin red or indented. Monitor for leaks as these often indicate that your little one is ready for the next size up!

UMBILICAL CORD CARE
You’ll have to take care of the stump of your baby’s umbilical cord until it falls off of its own accord at around 2 weeks. Whenever you change your baby’s nappy, ensure the stump is clean. If necessary, carefully wipe it with damp cotton wool and then pat it dry. It’s important the area remains as clean and dry as possible. You should fold down the nappy waistband to let the air reach the cord stump, and avoid clothing that is elasticated around the waist. Babygros or all-in-ones are the best choice for this stage. Inform you midwife if the stump is weeping. She may suggest you get some special powder.

ROUND-THE-CLOCK NAPPING
During the first month of life, your tiny infant needs around 16 to 18 hours sleep per day. His 24-hour cycle is divided into frequent short stretches of wakefulness and napping. Each sleep will normally only last a maximum of two to four hours, and he will always awaken hungry! He doesn’t yet discriminate between night and day, either. This is something he will learn to do over the next few months. It takes around six months for his body clock to develop a diurnal (or day-night) rhythm resembling yours. You can play a positive role in this learning process, however, by behaving differently towards him during day versus night-time feeds. Encourage alertness and interaction during the day by chatting to your baby as he nurses. By contrast, keep lights dimmed and make sure there is as little noise and stimulation as possible during night-time nursing. Remember, don’t have unrealistic expectations about your newborn’s sleeping and feeding behaviour during the first two months. This is not the time for worrying about establishing routines, you will only put unnecessary pressure on yourself and your baby. Feed on demand for now, and grab as many naps as you can whenever your little one drifts off to sleep!

Source: Pampers Newsletter

BREASTFEEDING – The Basics of Breastfeeding

1. Why Breastfeed?
2. How Does It Work?
3. Milk Release – The Let Down Reflex
4. Milk Composition – getting the right balance
5. Feeding

Why Breastfeed?

Benefits for Mom:

• Uterus contracts more quickly after birth
• Breastfeeding releases calming hormones
• You are more likely to lose your pregnancy weight quicker
• Lowers the risk of breast, ovarian or cervical cancer

Benefits for Baby:

• Helps strengthen baby’s immunity
• Helps bonding between mother and baby
• Decreases risk of allergies in baby
• Provides the “right food” for baby’s daily needs (composition changes throughout the day)
• Decreases risk of stomach bugs, middle ear infections, respiratory disease, urinary infections than in bottle fed babies

What’s in Breastmilk?

Colostrum:

• Already present at birth
• Yellow and creamy, rich in protein
• Laxative effect clears meconium / reduces the risk of jaundice
• Gives baby antibodies so helps resistance to infection
• Baby takes small quantities for first 2-3 days then is replaced by milk, which “comes in” after the first few days

Mature breastmilk contains the perfect balance of proteins, carbohydrates, fats, minerals and vitamins for your baby, plus factors that help

• absorbtion of nutrients
• prevent infections
• develop baby’s gut
• maturation of baby’s immune system

How Does It Work?

Milk Supply:

• When baby is born, prolactin levels rise and stimulate the breasts to produce milk
• As baby feeds, breasts empty, brain gets a message to replace the milk, body releases prolactin which stimulates the breast to make more milk, so baby always has enough i.e. supply and demand
• If baby doesn’t feed well for some reason, milk supply will be affected
• Always get baby well positioned and allow to feed as long and as often as you desire or baby wants
• If you can’t breast feed for a time, express at baby’s feeding times to support your milk supply, so that you don’t run the risk of your supply decreasing or drying up

Milk Release – The Let Down Reflex

• When baby sucks at the breast, oxytocin is released. This causes the star-shaped muscle cells around the milk glands in the breast to contract and squeeze out the breast milk, called the “let down reflex”
• Foremilk is already present when baby starts to suck (before let down). Foremilk is blueish and thin and contains high protein, but low fat and thus can be drunk quickly and in high quantities.
• Hind milk is released with the let down reflex. Babies sucking slows down and thus baby takes in smaller quantities, but hind milk is higher in calories (fat) and thus it is the hind milk that satisfies babies hunger (the foremilk is thought to satisfy babies thirst).
• Sometimes a tingling sansation is felt by Mum at “let down”. What’s more, Mum can set it off just by relaxing and thinking of her baby!
• May make you feel ’sexy’ (oxytocin is also released in lovemaking)!

Milk Composition – getting the right balance

• Varies throughout the day to suit baby’s needs
• Changes during the feed (foremilk / hindmilk)
• Baby will get a good balance if allowed to feed when she is hungry and to stay on the breast until he / she pulls off
• Let the baby finish one breast before offering the other. Alternate sides from one feed to the next feed – try to avoid favouring one side over the other
• Good positioning is essential to ensure baby feeds long enough to get to the hindmilk and to avoid supply complications
• Feeding times vary from baby to baby and with age and sometimes increase when baby is having a growth spurt (common every 3 weeks in the first few months)
• DON’T FEED UNLESS WELL POSITIONED!

Feeding

• Relax
• Have a glass of water handy; also tissues and a burp cloth and or nursing apron
• Be comfortable, undisturbed and uninhibited
• Breathe deeply and slowly
• Calm the baby first; hold baby close
• Position your baby nose to nipple, tummy to mummy, straight back and head (slightly tilted back)
• Make sure baby gets a good mouthful – latch her on as soon as her mouth opens wide
• Encourage feeding by stroking her lips with the nipple, if necessary
• Don’t put presssure on the breast (can block milk ducts)
• Bring baby to breast, not breast to baby

Source: National Childbirth Trust (NCT) Ante-natal Course (London, UK, Sept 2005) Republished by Peas in a Pod (SA)

The Newborn child – what did the Prophet (SAW) say?

Children are a source of delight and the birth of a child is followed by much excitement. New parents often find themselves overwhelmed with advice on what to do, what not to do and which customs/traditions to follow. The following information was compiled from a discussion on Ummah.com that includes the sources of Hadith/Quranic Ayah relating to the Islamic guidelines regarding the newborn child:

1. Encouragement to have Children

Allah says, “So now have sexual relations with them,, and seek that which Allah has ordained for you.”

And the Prophet (SAW) said, “Marry the loving and fertile because through you, I will compete with the nations for superiority in numbers”(Abu Dawood)

And it is important that the Parents bring up their children upon righteousness, so that the Parents will benefit from them during their lives and after their death. Allaah’s Messenger (SAW) said,

“A servant will have his rank raised and will say, ‘O my Lord how has this come about for me?’ He says, ‘through your sons after you seeking forgiveness for you’”(ibn Maajah)

Know that what has preceded applies equally to both boys and girls, and indeed Islaam has encouraged the bringing up of girls, and Allah condemns those that are distressed at the birth of a girl, and the Messenger (SAW) came elevating the status of this gift from Allah,
“Whoever takes care of two girls until they reach adulthood – he and
I will come together on the Day of Resurrection (like this) – and he
interlaced his two fingers”(Muslim)

meaning in Paradise. So can their be a greater honour given to daughters?!

1. Giving the good news of the Birth

The near of kin who are anxiously waiting should be informed so that they can stop worrying and congratulate the parents and supplicate for the baby. Allah mentions this good news being conveyed to a number of His Prophets, from them Zakariyyah of his son Yahya,
“Then the angels called him, while he was standing in prayer in a private room (saying), ‘Allah gives you glad tidings of Yahya’”

1. Giving the Adhaan in the ear of the newborn

The first practice to do is to make the adhaan in the ear of the baby, so that the first words that the baby hears is the name of Allah, and the kalima.

It is to be given straight after the birth, or very soon afterwards as he (SAW) did with his grandson al-Husayn, as is related by Abu Raafi’ who said,

“I saw the Prophet give the adhaan for prayer in the ear of al-Husayn ibn Alee when his mother Faatimah gave birth to him,” (Tirmidhee)

It should be given with it’s usual wording in a voice which is audible to the baby, not so loudly that it risks harm to the baby or alarms it.

Only the adhaan is to be given, not the iqaamah as well as there is no authentic evidence to support this. Giving the adhaan only is also the reported practice of the Khaleefah Umar bin Abdul Azeez. This is closer to the sunnah, and Allaah knows best.

The sunnah has not specified as to which ear it should be given, however the Messenger (SAW) used to love to do good actions starting from the right, so it would be more appropriate to give the adhaan in the right ear.

1. The Tahneek

This means to softening a date and then rubbing the palate of the new-born with it just after the birth or soon after. This is done by putting a piece of the softened date on the finger and rubbing it from left to right in the mouth of the baby.

Ibn Hajr said, “if one is not able to find a dry date, then a fresh date should be used, and if that is not available then anything sweet.” (Fath 9/588)

It is not essential to chew the date rather it may be softened in any way. The action of chewing as reported in the sunnah was something specific to the Messenger (SAW) due to the blessings that Allah had placed in his saliva.

It is done by the father or the mother or anyone from the People of Knowledge whose supplication is hoped would be accepted. So he should perform tahneek and supplicate for the child as was the practice of the Companions.

Imaam Nawawee says, “Scholars are agreed upon the recommendation of performing tahneek upon the baby after its birth.” (Sharh Saheeh Muslim 4/122)

Aaishah (ra) reports, “new-born children used to be brought to the Messenger of Allaah and he would supplicate for blessings for them, and rub a chewed date upon their palate.” (Muslim)

1. Naming the child

The baby may be named on the day of its birth or later on the seventh day or past the seventh day, as this is what is clear after study of all the evidences from the sunnah.

It is the father or the mother who chose the name for the baby. If they differ amongst themselves then it is the father who has the choice, he may name it himself or give his wife the right to choose. The fact that this is the right of the father is shown by the principle that the child is ascribed and attributed to the father, as Allah says,

“Call them (adopted sons) by (the names of) their fathers, that is more just in the Sight of Allah”

It is also allowed for the parents to allow others to name the child, since our Prophet (SAW) used to name some of the children of his Companions.

The name should carry a good and praiseworthy meaning as the Messenger (SAW) said,
“On the Day of Resurrection, you will be called by your names and
your fathers names, so make your names good.” (Abu Dawood)

It is recommended to call oneself a servant of Allah (Abdullaah) or the servant of any of the names of Allah. Then it is recommended to name a child after a prophet, due to the hadeeth,
“call yourselves by the names of the Prophets” (Abu Dawood)

and the hadeeth,

“a son was born to me this night and I called him after my forefather Ibraaheem” (Muslim)

Then it is recommended to name the child after any pious person in the hope that it will become like him/her. Then it is recommended to name by any name which has good meaning.

It is forbidden to name a child with a name that denote servitude to other than Allah, for example Abd an-Nabi, Abd ar-Rasool etc, just as it is forbidden to name them with names that are particular to the Unbelievers like George, Michael, Susan etc.

The names of tyrants and evil personalities should be avoided such as Fir’awn, Qaroon, Abu Lahab etc.. Likewise it is disliked to name with the names of the Surahs of the Qur’aan like ‘Taa Haa’ or ‘Yaa Seen’ as is reported from Imaam Maalik and others. There is no authentic hadeeth which ascribes the above two as being names of the Prophet (SAW).

1. The Aqeeqah
   

After the seventh day of the arrival of the new-born, as a form of welcome for it and to give thanks to the One who gave the blessings, it is prescribed to slaughter a sheep. The Messenger (SAW) said,

“Every child is in pledge for it’s Aqeeqah which is sacrificed for it on its seventh day, and it is named on it, and its head is shaved” (Abu Dawood)

If the new-born is a boy then two sheep are to be sacrificed, and if it is a girl then one sheep. This is the position of the majority of the scholars and Companions. The Prophet (SAW) said,
“for the boy two equal sheep, and for the girl, a single sheep.” (Ibn
Maajah)

So it is permissible to sacrifice the male or female sheep or goat, and this is best. As for sacrificing other animals then the scholars have differed over this.

The sacrifice should be done by the father or a close relative, for our Prophet (SAW) performed the Aqeeqah for his two grandsons. It is also obligatory to mention the name of Allaah over it while sacrificing, and if a close relative is performing the Aqeeqah then he should add, ‘this aqeeqah is the Aqeeqah of so and so’ mentioning the name of the person on whose behalf he is performing the aqeeqah, as is reported in the hadeeth related by al-Bayhaqee.

The meat of the sacrifice may be distributed cooked or uncooked,, but it is preferred that it should be cooked as this leads to greater blessing as mentioned by a group of the scholars.

1. Shaving the baby’s head
   

On the seventh day after the birth the head of the baby should be shaved. So when al-Hasan was born the Prophet (SAW) told his daughter, Faatima (RA),

“shave his head and give the weight of his hair in silver to the
poor” (Ahmad)

The right side of the head should be shaved first, then the left as mentioned in the hadeeth,

“shave, and he indicated to the right side of his head, and then the
left” (Muslim)

It is not permissible to shave a part of the head and leave a part, as this was prohibited by the Messenger (SAW) as reported by al-Bukhaaree. The strongest view seems to be that the head of the boy or the girl should be shaved, as is reported that Faatimah weighed the hair of her daughter (Muwatta) but the scholars differ on this, and Allah knows best.

The shaving should be done after the sacrifice, and our pious predecessors liked to rub some perfume over the baby’s head after the shaving.

Then it is prescribed to give the value of the baby’s weight of hair in silver in charity, and it is recommended to give this charity on the seventh day also, but it is not necessary to do so, and may be delayed.

1. Circumcision

It is prescribed that the boy be circumcised, it is recommended that the circumcision take place on the seventh day, but it is obligatory to circumcise before the boy reaches puberty.