Parenting Series | Part I: Swimming Against The Current

Source: Umm Reem • MuslimMatters.org

We are living in a strange time of rat races, struggling to keep up with others around us. This race is not only limited to our wealth, status, or any other type of materialism, but also includes the way we carry out many of our daily roles in life, especially as parents. The way we raise our children and the values/goals we set for them has become a matter of competition. The definition of a good parent, in our world, revolves around how comfortably our children are raised, how much money we are able to collect and spend on them, the amount of good, fresh food that is provided daily, and what “type” of secular education we are able to provide for them. The more we are able to provide of these worldly things, the better we are perceived as fulfilling parents.

As bound by our nature, we follow the herd, meaning the norm of our society. Similarly, we pass on the same goals and priorities to our children. Even if someone desires to live a different lifestyle, it is very easy to succumb to the daily grind because of our surrounding environment.

However, as Muslim parents we are entrusted with responsibilities beyond the success of this world. Hence, we cannot afford to go with the flow if we do not know where this flow will ultimately take us. Therefore, it is binding upon a Muslim parent to know:

• What our goal is as parents
• Who our role models should be

If our ultimate goal is strictly bound to the benefits of this world, then we can follow the trends of this world and our worries are limited; wishing only for our children a good education, a college degree, and a STDs/drug free life. On the other hand, if we have the next world in mind, then we must set ourselves additional values and goals which probably require swimming against the current, which is an extremely challenging and almost impossible task, unless stimulated by a solid motivation.

Why Set Superior Goals?

Why do we have to be the odd parent struggling to move against the current and creating more trouble for ourselves and complications for our child/ren? In a nutshell, remember we are alive not to focus on this world but rather to aim for the next world.

In my humble opinion, a loving parent is not one whose only focus is to fill his/her children’s stomachs, find them the best clothing, provide them with a comfortable place to live, and concentrate on their higher education.  I believe that TRUE love is reflected in how much attention is paid to the real purpose of their existence and to their final destination.

I was told about a young Pakistani man who had recently graduated with a Master’s degree from abroad and then returned to his motherland. He was an only child and his parents had “done it all” for their only son from the time he was born; they provided him with a luxurious upbringing and the best education of their time. However, and unfortunately, it didn’t include any religious guidance as that did not seem to be of value or importance. Disappointing to say, the young man fell sick and was diagnosed with cancer in its last stages. When he was hospitalized, he met an old man who talked to him about life after death, heaven and hell, and his last journey. That day, the young man cried like a little baby for he was not prepared for his journey, and he had nothing to take to his real destination. He questioned his parents about their negligence, looking at his degrees and achievements in dismay. How can his Master’s help salvage him? His parents realized their error but could only rue their heedlessness. Nevertheless, he was blessed during his final hours with a teacher who helped him learn salah, the Qur’an, and more of the basics of Islamic knowledge. I do not know if this young man lived or if he rests in his grave now, but I do hope and pray that Allah ‘azza wa jall accepted his efforts, grants him Jannah, and forgives him and his parents. Ameen.

Let’s keep in mind that not everyone gets a last minute opportunity to make up for life-long negligence. Death comes unannounced and at the least expected moments; it is a reality that we can all be assured of. The question is, how many of us are preparing our children for that inevitable moment?

My daughter is fatally allergic to peanuts. A few years back, she had an accidental exposure to peanuts, causing an extremely dangerous reaction. On our way to the ER, she was throwing up, breathing abnormally, and her lips were turning blue. As I held her head in my arms, she whispered to me, “It’s okay mama, everyone has to die some day!” Her eyes rolled backwards (I will never forget that sight), and I thought we were going to lose her before we made it to the hospital. She was in indescribable pain, and as a mother I felt helpless because I couldn’t do anything for her.  All I wanted was for her to stop hurting, but I couldn’t take her pain away. To make a long story short, alhamdulillah no ill became of her; a short stay in the ER of the hospital and we were able to return home the same night. Still, that day I realized my limitations as a parent. When I thought I would lose her, I was willing to exchange my soul for hers, but it was a useless and absurd bargain to even think of. I realized that if those were her last moments, nothing would have benefitted her except her preparations for her final destination. My children might travel on their last journey before I do, and it is a journey they have to take alone. I will not be able to help them at this time and can only help them get ready for their meeting with the angel of death.

So, dear parents, while we prepare our children for their interview at an Ivy League school or for a big job, we cannot and must not forget about their ultimate interview and meeting with the angel of death. And with this in mind, we must aim to raise our children in a way appropriate and safe for their akhirah as well as their dunya,insha’Allah.

Having said this, I am not undermining secular education by any means. I am a firm believer that a secular education is very important for our children, particularly during this era. They must know and understand the world they live in, which is for their benefit; they must also be educated to secure a good job and be self-sufficient as a Muslim should be.

Yet, we must find a balance when we raise Muslim children while aiming for the akhirah, all the while doing well in this dunya. Our children study at school for 8 hours a day and come home with tons of homework, so where do we “fit in” Islam into their lives?  This is the question posed in every Muslim parent’s mind whose kids are not homeschooled or are not attending an Islamic school.

I wish I had a step-by-step guide for every parent according to their child’s type and age. Unfortunately, I don’t. And although I am not an expert in this field, I have a few suggestions to offer parents, some based on my own experience as a parent, some from counseling teenagers and other parents, and some based on simple observations.

Let us keep in mind that Islam is not a “subject” that we teach as a second-language or like sports training for soccer or football where we train/educate for a few hours during the day and then forget all about it until the next class. Rather, it is our religion, a way of life, and should be dealt with and taught like any daily ritual of our lives. In other words, instill our religion in their everyday lives, so it is indigenous to them.  It obviously requires a lot of effort from us as parents but be assured our good effort is never wasted:

“…then Allah surely does not waste the reward of the doers of good.” (12:90)

Better yet, we will thus achieve our goal, insha’Allah, and our children will become a sadaqah jaariyyah (ongoing charity) for us, not to mention that they will secure their akhirah, by the mercy of Allah.

“When a person dies, all his deeds come to an end except three: ongoing charity, beneficial knowledge (which he has left behind), or a righteous child who will pray for him.”

Let us be assured that it is, perhaps, the bare minimum requirement of being a “Muslim” parent, for the Prophet of Allah (sallAllahu alayhi wasalam) said:

“Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock. The imaam is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. A man is the shepherd of his family and is responsible for his flock. A woman is the shepherd of her husband’s house and is responsible for her flock. A servant is the shepherd of his master’s wealth and is responsible for his flock…” (Bukhaari; Muslim)

Our children are entrusted to us by Allah ‘azza wa jall, so we must set proper values for them and direct their lives in the correct direction. If we neglect our responsibilities, then not only do we become partially responsible for spoiling our children’s akhirah (if they go astray), but we also subject ourselves to punishment. Remember the Day when we will flee from our children; it will not be for any other reason but out of fear that they might question us about their neglected rights:

“That Day shall a man flee from his brother, And from his mother and his father, And from his wife and his children. Every man, that Day, will have enough to make him careless of others.” (80:34-37)

After all this, how can we not have the akhirah as the ultimate goal for our children, and how can we not aim forJannah for our children? How can we neglect their akhira and not prioritize their deen in their lives?

Dear parents, it is strange that when it comes to this world, we always have high goals for our children and our expectations know no bounds, but when it comes to their real destiny, we aim for the bare minimum. We never settle for just high school, but rather from the time of their birth we remain ever consistent with the hope of at least a Bachelor’s degree. On the other hand, when it comes to their akhirah, we are pleased with ‘as long as they pray’, ‘fast Ramadan’, or ‘fulfill the fundamental 5 pillars’ for the entirety of their existence!

The upcoming articles in this Parenting series are a brief summary of “The Parenting Workshop” I have given in the US and in Doha to a Western audience. Henceforth, let us proceed to practical steps of achieving our goal,insha’Allah.

http://muslimmatters.org/2010/12/15/parenting-series-part-i-introduction/

Getting angry with your kids

“Even the renowned parenting author, Dr Spock, admitted to once screeching “shut up” to his baby who screamed all night.” Yes, we all get angry with our kids from time to time and before giving an Islamic perspective on this issue, the topic was brought to mind based on this article from www.Momsmatter.co.za :

WHEN PARENTS HAVE A MELTDOWN

by psychologist Kim Traicos

We all love our children… but every parent has at one point or another lost their temper with their child. This is one of those little parenting secrets we all know. Good moms and dads get angry. Good moms and dads are human. Getting angry with your 3-year-old toddler when they are drawing with chocolate ice cream on your white percale linen is normal.

Anger is a normal reaction when a person reaches their limit. Apparently even the renowned parenting author, Dr Spock, admitted to once screeching “shut up” to his baby who screamed all night. But if this is happening a bit too regularly and you’re becoming aware that you’re getting angry most of the time about any little thing, it’s time to do something about it.

What is anger?

Anger is a very natural emotional reaction to something that is a stress, loss or threat to our actual body or perceived part of ourselves such as self esteem or values for example. Basically it is a normal way of our psyche reacting to not getting its way. We believe we are right about something or want something and if things don’t work out for us we get angry. Counselling psychologist Tiffany Gregson explains that anger involves arousal of areas in the brain that are not really reasonable, rational areas. And because of this our reactions are not always reasonable and rational ones. We have to be able to admit we feel real human emotions and admit we need help for those strong emotions we find hard to control.

Strong anger responses often occur when an individual’s resources are low. Parenting is a 24-hour occupation with very few breaks. The break parents do get is often at work, which is no break at all. Helen, mom to three small boys, found herself screaming at her kids after a cramped day inside due to bad weather. “I’d been up all night with my baby, my video machine broke, the tumble dryer stopped midcycle, the cat vomited and my child asked for tea. It was all too much.”

The stress of modern motherhood is often too much and sometimes we explode for the wrong reasons. Under the surface level of anger could lie a complicated network of emotions such as fear, guilt, sadness and hurt.

When our children push our buttons we are in danger of reacting to them as we would toward adults. We rarely stop to realise we’re dealing with a very different situation and often fall into old ways of expressing anger such as holding grudges, giving silent treatment, name calling and sarcasm. And sometimes we can resort to even more damaging swearing, verbal and physical outbursts which are unproductive and unfair in a very one-sided power relationship. If this occurs, our children can be left confused and upset.

Suggestions on how to keep calm

Recognise the progression of anger, from irritation through frustration, anger to rage and aggression. It’s normal to feel these feelings but important to know how to stop the progression to more dangerous levels. You still have control and a choice in how you react. So feel the emotions but don’t let them take control.

If you feel your blood begin to boil, walk away and withdraw until you’re calm.

Stay in the present and don’t bring up everything your child has ever done wrong. Take note if you’re reacting due to past anger in a new situation.

Try to see the humorous side of parenting Tanya, mom to a toddler called Luca, arrived to fetch him from a play date, only to find him and his accomplice covered in mud from head to toe. Instead of losing their tempers both mothers saw the humour in this and hosed their children down. But Tanya notes she did explain to him afterwards why it was wrong to turn a flower bed into a mud bath.

Ensure your boundaries and discipline are sound Parents who yell are parents without a clear plan of action.

Try to remember that you’re the adult April, mom to 3-year-old Emma, finds that Emma responds far better to discussion than to shouting and physical punishment. If April reacts like a child, Emma stops listening.

Remember that children make mistakes and do stupid things without thinking It’s all part of their learning process.

Don’t take it personally. Although it may seem that your child has conspired to make your day hellish it’s often fatigue and overstimulation that sends him over the top with you close behind.

If it’s too late and you already lost your temper, remember that you’re human, restore the good feelings, explain to your child why you lost your temper and apologise.

If you’re exploding too often for your liking:

Think about what the real, underlying problem could be If it’s stress about work or your marriage, work on those. Realise that your anger could be misplaced

Take time for yourself. This is written in every piece of parenting literature available…maybe they have a point? Stress release is an important part of our modern world

Take your anger as the warning sign it is and examine your life. Seeking help from a mental health practitioner is perfectly acceptable and there are anger management courses that offer sound and practical advice for dealing with anger.

Although anger is a natural response it can often be irrational and damaging and then it needs to be addressed. Forgive yourself for your occasional outburst towards your child and know that even children need to know that parents have limits. The highs of parenting are so high such as the happy smiles or extra squeezes your 3-year-old gives you at bed time, but the lows can be equally powerful, such as the surly look you get as your carefully prepared dinner gets hurled across the table. Remember that parenting is emotional and that’s precisely what makes it so rewarding!

A lengthy article on Anger management in Islam can be found here http://www.livingislam.org/m/ami_e.html: We have taken some of the points and republished them below:

The Messenger of Allah, Prophet Muhammad said:

"Whoever curbs his anger, while being able to act, Allah will fill his heart with certainty of faith."
Therefore the consequence for whoever does not curb his anger is that he or she will sooner or later feel its evil consequences.

Anger is a destructive emotion, as a fire which destroys our well-being, consumes our good actions, repels our friends and dear ones, frightens our children and forces the angels to report bad actions for the Heavenly Records. This is a dangerous rough road and no-one is devoid of it and it brings one close to the wrath of Allah; story:

Prophet `Isa (Jesus Christ) -peace be upon him- was once asked: 
"What thing is difficult?" He said: "God’s wrath." Prophet Yahya (John the Baptist) -peace be upon him- then asked: 
"What brings near the wrath of God?" He said: "Anger". 
Yahya – peace be upon him- asked him: 
"What thing grows and increases anger?" Isa -peace be upon him- said: 
"Pride, prestige, hope for honour and haughtiness." [5]

The good news is that when you are ready to confront the evil kind of anger within your soul, then you have already taken the first decisive step in fighting it. The evil kind of anger can be overcome by understanding and following the respective teachings of Islam. If you are not ready, ask yourself the test questions below.[ch.4]

 

Clarification

 

Are all kinds of anger meant here always, or are there instances when anger could still be justified?
Someone could say: "How do I know that my anger is not justified, when I feel strongly about it, that in certain situations I do have the right to become angry?" (As an exception there are a few instances when it is good and allowed, such as in war when fighting the enemy, but not excessive anger.)
Answer: Yes, there are situations where anger is justified and lawful, as "in cases of religious affairs when one’s honour is at stake. It is an effective preventive measure to safeguard the dignity of man.  A person who has no anger is called a coward because he has got no true faith in Allah.  The person fears creation and not the Creator." [2]
But certainly those instances are rare, and what is worse, for a beginner in anger management (AMI) it is difficult to distinguish between those situations from the outset. Later with some success in AMI, that will be easy.
We do not suggest that AMI means you never may get angry, for anger is not to abolished but channelled, and the aim is always to reach your goal with other, reliable and sane methods, in shâh Allah. But to begin with, it is vital to bring it down to lower levels, to temper it, in order to take control over it.
For the time being you should be extremely suspicious about anger in which form or situation what-so-ever. Be warned against it!
Remember that the real strength of a man lies in controlling his wrath or anger. In this respect the Islamic tradition is very clear:
It is reported in a hadith on the authority of Abu Huraira    Allah be pleased with him, that Mohammad, the emissary of Allah peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, said :
"The man is not a good wrestler; the strong man is in fact the person who controls himself at the time of anger." (Bukhari)
In another hadith Abu Hurairah    (radiyallahu `anhu), reported that a man said to the Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wasallam): "Advise me!"
The Prophet said, "Do not become angry and furious."
The man asked (the same) again and again, and the Prophet said in each case, "Do not become angry and furious."
[Al-Bukhari; Vol. 8 No. 137] (see hadith in Arabic at top of page.)
Commenting on this hadith Al-Nawawî says that "he meant to not allow anger to lord over oneself and cause the loss of one’s comportment." Instead to control your anger and never lose control. [11]

Try To Get The Whole Picture – The Causes Of Anger

We are convinced that the Islamic guidance is the best guidance, also in respect of AMI, because it relates to all levels of human beings, where it operates its barakah (Divine blessings): the body (jism), the soul (nafs) and the spirit (rûh), the last being the highest element which governs the rest. Anger is one of several coarse qualities of the soul or heart, which have to be treated by Islam’s spiritual methods. To treat the (spiritual) disease you have to know its causes. Imam al Ghazali explains them as follows:

The causes which cause anger to grow are self-conceit, self-praise, jests and ridicule, argument, treachery, too much greed for too much wealth and name and fame. If these evils are united in a person, his conduct becomes bad and he cannot escape anger. So these things should be removed by their opposites. Self-praise is to be removed by modesty. Pride is to be removed by one’s own origin and birth, greed is to be removed by remaining satisfied with necessary things, and miserliness by charity

Or summarized in four words:

"Pride, prestige, hope for honour and haughtiness."

The goal is to purify the heart, free it from oblivion of the rang of human beings, neglect of Allahs commands, and … so as to reach the Divine Presence.
In this context there is the Gabriel-hadith on excellence (ihsân) in Islam (as part of a longer hadith[13]): A man asked the Emissary of Allah : "Then tell me about Ihsan." He said: 
"It is to worship Allah as though you are seeing Him,
and while you see Him not yet — truly He sees you."
Also in the Quran we are constantly reminded that Allah sees and hears us, thus watching over us all the time. Knowing this how can anyone be so carried away by his (her) passions – and devoid of godfearingness (taqwâ) to behave like an ugly, crazy person, chasing around and abusing people?
It becomes clear then that in reality anger is a secret disease, like for example alcoholism, which has to be treated just like any other disease, and it is you yourself who has to take the decisive step to curb it, with Allah’s help.
In this context it is important to remember that AMI is part of a comprehensive treatment of the heart, not isolated methods.
Therefore come to terms with yourself (nafs) and see your propensity toward the anger-syndrome! 
To start with ask yourself the following questions:

a. Do you become angry when things are not going your way?
b. Does it make you angry when something happens contrary to what you expected or what you wished for?
c. When starting to get angry, did you ever become aware of how your emotions are kindled or heating up?
c. When you are angry, do you say or do things which normally you would not?
d. When you are angry, do you feel you have to act in a certain manner, without any control?
e. Do you – after your anger has subsided – regret what you said or did, or how you appeared in front of people?

If you answered most or all of the above questions with ‘yes’, then you are on your way and you will easily understand the following diagrams which show the anger levels and how to curb it over time (ch.5) :
You may ask if there is anything which can be done about this problem of losing one’s temper, and you may think that this is the way you are, this is your character and that a change would be impossible. But you can change and
AMI was conceived to show how to succeed in dealing with this disease, once its evil roots have been understood. Then, soon, you will enjoy the sweet fruit of having overcome it. Someone[18] said in this respect, that winning over his anger is a sweet thing indeed.

 

Medicines recommended by Imam Al-Ghazalî

We are describing below the medicines of anger after one gets angry. This medicine is a mixture of knowledge and action. 
7a. The medicine based on knowledge is of six kinds:  
(1) The first medicine of knowledge is to think over the rewards of appeasing anger, that have come from the verses of the Quran and the sayings of the Prophet . Your hope for getting rewards of appeasing anger will restrain you from taking revenge. 
(2) The second kind of medicine based on knowledge is to fear the punishment of God and to think that the punishment of God upon me is greater than my punishment upon him. If I take revenge upon this man for anger, God will take revenge upon me on the Judgement Day. 
(3) The third kind of medicine of anger based on knowledge is to take precaution about punishment of enemity and revenge on himself. You feel joy in having your enemy in your presence in his sorrows, You yourself are not free from that danger. You will fear that your enemy might take revenge against you in this world and in the next. 
(4) Another kind of medicine based on knowledge is to think about the ugly face of the angry man, which is just like that of the ferocious beast. He who appeases anger looks like a sober and learned man. 
(5) The fifth kind of medicine based on knowledge is to think that the devil will advise by saying: " You will be weak if you do not get angry!" Do not listen to him! 
(6) The sixth reason is to think: " What reason have I got to get angry? What Allah wishes has occured!"
7b. The medicine based on action is of three kinds:
(m1) When you get angry, say: I seek refuge in God from the accursed evil (a`ûdhû billâhi min ash-shaytân ir rajîm). The Prophet ordered us to say thus.
When Ayesha (ra) got angry, he dragged her by the nose and said: 
"O dear Ayesha, say: O God, you are the Lord of my prophet Muhammad, forgive my sins and remove the anger from my heart and save me from misguidance."
(m2) If anger does not go away by this means, you will sit down if you are standing, lie down if you are sitting, and come near to earth, as you have been created of earth. Thus make yourself calm like the earth. The cause of wrath is heat and its opposite is to lie down on the ground and to make the body calm and cool.
The Prophet said: Anger is a burning coal. Don’t you see your eyebrows wide and eyes reddish? So when one of you feels angry, let him sit down if standing, and lie down if sitting.
(m3) If still anger does not stop, make ablution with cold water or take a bath, as fire cannot be extinguished without water.
The Prophet said : "When one of you gets angry, let him make ablution with water as anger arises out of fire."
In another narration, he said: "Anger comes from the devil and the devil is made of fire." [5]

 

 

Do you have any tips to help parents deal with anger in the household? Please share with us…use the comments box below or email info@muslimmums.co.za