Parenting: Discipline

Differences Between Punishment and Discipline

DISCIPLINE /PUNISHMENT
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Encourages the development of internal controls.
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Child learn to cooperate in order to feel good about himself
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Is consistent but flexible
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Is logical and predictable
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Encourages the making of wise choices and independent thinking
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Develops high self-esteem
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Encourages conscience development
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Flourishes in a democratic atmosphere
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Implies realistic expectations of the child
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Encourages warm, caring relationships.

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Allows child to learn from mistakes
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Focuses on behaviour without condemning the child
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Implies moral judgment and equates the person with the wrong behaviour
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Permits choices and encourages a sense of autonomy and responsibility
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Is concerned with present
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PUNISHMENT
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Relies on external control
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Child learns to obey to avoid pain or discomfort
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May be inconsistent or rigid
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Is often arbitrary and illogical
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Is based on power and control
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Develops shame, guilt and anxiety
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Encourages rebellion and deceit or dependent submissiveness
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Belongs within an autocratic, authoritarian environment
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May be inappropriate for the child’s developmental level
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Encourages relationships based on fear and avoidance of hurt or power struggles.
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Makes child afraid of making mistakes
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Demands obedience and encourages dependence

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Frequently drags up the past
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EFFECTIVE PARENTING DISCIPLINE WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE

1. Negotiate rules with your children.
2. Enhance their self-esteem.
3. Teach accountability and consequences.
4. Parents must be role-models.
5. Parents must understand the life-world of children.
6. Teach children to be assertive.
7. Discuss and debate issues with your children.
8. Be an empathetic listener.
9. Bond with your children.
10. Punitive measures must be agreed upon and implemented.
11. Need for consistency.
12. Rewards must be used appropriately.
13. Intrinsic motivation and self-discipline needs to be applauded and encouraged.
14. Both parents must be consistent – no spouse must be undermined.
15. Discipline must be underpinned by love.
16. Avoid blaming, shaming and ridiculing such as “you are stupid.”
17. It is never too late to start.
18. Stay in a relationship with your children.
19. Affirm your children.
20. Look at the strengths of your children.
21. Remember comparisons are often odious.

Source: edriskhamissa.com

Parenting Series | Part I: Swimming Against The Current

Source: Umm Reem • MuslimMatters.org

We are living in a strange time of rat races, struggling to keep up with others around us. This race is not only limited to our wealth, status, or any other type of materialism, but also includes the way we carry out many of our daily roles in life, especially as parents. The way we raise our children and the values/goals we set for them has become a matter of competition. The definition of a good parent, in our world, revolves around how comfortably our children are raised, how much money we are able to collect and spend on them, the amount of good, fresh food that is provided daily, and what “type” of secular education we are able to provide for them. The more we are able to provide of these worldly things, the better we are perceived as fulfilling parents.

As bound by our nature, we follow the herd, meaning the norm of our society. Similarly, we pass on the same goals and priorities to our children. Even if someone desires to live a different lifestyle, it is very easy to succumb to the daily grind because of our surrounding environment.

However, as Muslim parents we are entrusted with responsibilities beyond the success of this world. Hence, we cannot afford to go with the flow if we do not know where this flow will ultimately take us. Therefore, it is binding upon a Muslim parent to know:

• What our goal is as parents
• Who our role models should be

If our ultimate goal is strictly bound to the benefits of this world, then we can follow the trends of this world and our worries are limited; wishing only for our children a good education, a college degree, and a STDs/drug free life. On the other hand, if we have the next world in mind, then we must set ourselves additional values and goals which probably require swimming against the current, which is an extremely challenging and almost impossible task, unless stimulated by a solid motivation.

Why Set Superior Goals?

Why do we have to be the odd parent struggling to move against the current and creating more trouble for ourselves and complications for our child/ren? In a nutshell, remember we are alive not to focus on this world but rather to aim for the next world.

In my humble opinion, a loving parent is not one whose only focus is to fill his/her children’s stomachs, find them the best clothing, provide them with a comfortable place to live, and concentrate on their higher education.  I believe that TRUE love is reflected in how much attention is paid to the real purpose of their existence and to their final destination.

I was told about a young Pakistani man who had recently graduated with a Master’s degree from abroad and then returned to his motherland. He was an only child and his parents had “done it all” for their only son from the time he was born; they provided him with a luxurious upbringing and the best education of their time. However, and unfortunately, it didn’t include any religious guidance as that did not seem to be of value or importance. Disappointing to say, the young man fell sick and was diagnosed with cancer in its last stages. When he was hospitalized, he met an old man who talked to him about life after death, heaven and hell, and his last journey. That day, the young man cried like a little baby for he was not prepared for his journey, and he had nothing to take to his real destination. He questioned his parents about their negligence, looking at his degrees and achievements in dismay. How can his Master’s help salvage him? His parents realized their error but could only rue their heedlessness. Nevertheless, he was blessed during his final hours with a teacher who helped him learn salah, the Qur’an, and more of the basics of Islamic knowledge. I do not know if this young man lived or if he rests in his grave now, but I do hope and pray that Allah ‘azza wa jall accepted his efforts, grants him Jannah, and forgives him and his parents. Ameen.

Let’s keep in mind that not everyone gets a last minute opportunity to make up for life-long negligence. Death comes unannounced and at the least expected moments; it is a reality that we can all be assured of. The question is, how many of us are preparing our children for that inevitable moment?

My daughter is fatally allergic to peanuts. A few years back, she had an accidental exposure to peanuts, causing an extremely dangerous reaction. On our way to the ER, she was throwing up, breathing abnormally, and her lips were turning blue. As I held her head in my arms, she whispered to me, “It’s okay mama, everyone has to die some day!” Her eyes rolled backwards (I will never forget that sight), and I thought we were going to lose her before we made it to the hospital. She was in indescribable pain, and as a mother I felt helpless because I couldn’t do anything for her.  All I wanted was for her to stop hurting, but I couldn’t take her pain away. To make a long story short, alhamdulillah no ill became of her; a short stay in the ER of the hospital and we were able to return home the same night. Still, that day I realized my limitations as a parent. When I thought I would lose her, I was willing to exchange my soul for hers, but it was a useless and absurd bargain to even think of. I realized that if those were her last moments, nothing would have benefitted her except her preparations for her final destination. My children might travel on their last journey before I do, and it is a journey they have to take alone. I will not be able to help them at this time and can only help them get ready for their meeting with the angel of death.

So, dear parents, while we prepare our children for their interview at an Ivy League school or for a big job, we cannot and must not forget about their ultimate interview and meeting with the angel of death. And with this in mind, we must aim to raise our children in a way appropriate and safe for their akhirah as well as their dunya,insha’Allah.

Having said this, I am not undermining secular education by any means. I am a firm believer that a secular education is very important for our children, particularly during this era. They must know and understand the world they live in, which is for their benefit; they must also be educated to secure a good job and be self-sufficient as a Muslim should be.

Yet, we must find a balance when we raise Muslim children while aiming for the akhirah, all the while doing well in this dunya. Our children study at school for 8 hours a day and come home with tons of homework, so where do we “fit in” Islam into their lives?  This is the question posed in every Muslim parent’s mind whose kids are not homeschooled or are not attending an Islamic school.

I wish I had a step-by-step guide for every parent according to their child’s type and age. Unfortunately, I don’t. And although I am not an expert in this field, I have a few suggestions to offer parents, some based on my own experience as a parent, some from counseling teenagers and other parents, and some based on simple observations.

Let us keep in mind that Islam is not a “subject” that we teach as a second-language or like sports training for soccer or football where we train/educate for a few hours during the day and then forget all about it until the next class. Rather, it is our religion, a way of life, and should be dealt with and taught like any daily ritual of our lives. In other words, instill our religion in their everyday lives, so it is indigenous to them.  It obviously requires a lot of effort from us as parents but be assured our good effort is never wasted:

“…then Allah surely does not waste the reward of the doers of good.” (12:90)

Better yet, we will thus achieve our goal, insha’Allah, and our children will become a sadaqah jaariyyah (ongoing charity) for us, not to mention that they will secure their akhirah, by the mercy of Allah.

“When a person dies, all his deeds come to an end except three: ongoing charity, beneficial knowledge (which he has left behind), or a righteous child who will pray for him.”

Let us be assured that it is, perhaps, the bare minimum requirement of being a “Muslim” parent, for the Prophet of Allah (sallAllahu alayhi wasalam) said:

“Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock. The imaam is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. A man is the shepherd of his family and is responsible for his flock. A woman is the shepherd of her husband’s house and is responsible for her flock. A servant is the shepherd of his master’s wealth and is responsible for his flock…” (Bukhaari; Muslim)

Our children are entrusted to us by Allah ‘azza wa jall, so we must set proper values for them and direct their lives in the correct direction. If we neglect our responsibilities, then not only do we become partially responsible for spoiling our children’s akhirah (if they go astray), but we also subject ourselves to punishment. Remember the Day when we will flee from our children; it will not be for any other reason but out of fear that they might question us about their neglected rights:

“That Day shall a man flee from his brother, And from his mother and his father, And from his wife and his children. Every man, that Day, will have enough to make him careless of others.” (80:34-37)

After all this, how can we not have the akhirah as the ultimate goal for our children, and how can we not aim forJannah for our children? How can we neglect their akhira and not prioritize their deen in their lives?

Dear parents, it is strange that when it comes to this world, we always have high goals for our children and our expectations know no bounds, but when it comes to their real destiny, we aim for the bare minimum. We never settle for just high school, but rather from the time of their birth we remain ever consistent with the hope of at least a Bachelor’s degree. On the other hand, when it comes to their akhirah, we are pleased with ‘as long as they pray’, ‘fast Ramadan’, or ‘fulfill the fundamental 5 pillars’ for the entirety of their existence!

The upcoming articles in this Parenting series are a brief summary of “The Parenting Workshop” I have given in the US and in Doha to a Western audience. Henceforth, let us proceed to practical steps of achieving our goal,insha’Allah.

http://muslimmatters.org/2010/12/15/parenting-series-part-i-introduction/

Parents & Their Failures

Shukran to Azra for giving me permission to repost her article here:

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 2010
A few weeks ago I heard a story that I can’t seem to get out of my mind. My aunt’s neighbour’s 18 year old self-obsessed empty shell daughter, Lamees, was at home one day supposedly babysitting her 4 year old brother while their mother was out shopping. Her brother had one of his pre-school friends, a 3 and a half year old boy, over for a play-date. So they were busy playing inside her room and she left them for a few seconds to answer the telephone, and when she returned, this 3 year old kid told her that he had to go home.

Not really paying any attention, she let him leave the house by himself. About an hour later, the 3 year old kid’s grandmother arrived at the house and asked to speak to her mother who had just returned from her shopping trip. When the Grandmother was alone with her mother, she handed her R500 in cash not saying anything other than it belonged to her. The Grandmother then left, and confused, the mother asked Lamees if she had any money missing from her purse. She went to check and found that the R500 that she had in her purse was missing. In a panic, she began looking for it in her bag, thinking that she may have misplaced it when her mother handed it to her and told her what happened.

Apparently this 3 year old kid stole the money from her purse and then went straight home to give it to his Grandmother. Furious, Lamees wanted to go over there and punish him but her mother convinced her not to.

When I heard this story, I wanted to go and bitch-slap this Lamees chick until she saw stars in broad daylight. I mean, lets use our heads here… this is a 3 year old kid who lives with his Grandmother because his parents can’t take care of him. If this kid was just being naughty and wanted the money for himself, he would have went straight to the shops and splurged on chocolate, coke and chips… or at the very least, a game or two… he wouldn’t have gone straight home and given it to his Grandmother.

Now can you imagine, just imagine, what must this kid be going through if he is worried about his Grandmother and her finances… worried to such an extent that he would take someone else’s money and give it to her. He is 3 years old! What does he know?! He should be allowed to be a kid and play with reckless abandon and not be worrying endlessly about his Grandmother’s well-being. And then on top of it, this 18 year old moron wants to go and beat him up. I seriously wanted to rip off her ears and shove them where the sun don’t shine, so that she can hear me kick her ass.

My heart broke for this little boy. And I was instantly reminded of an incident a few months back when I was a substitute teacher at the Primary School in Johannesburg. On one of the days, I was supervising 41 eight year old kids that were bored and restless, so to keep them busy I asked them each to write down or draw what they’d wish for if they had 3 wishes.

A couple of hours later and I sat there, reading each child’s wishes and I was broken! I could tell, from what each child wished for, what the current circumstances in their homes were like. It was quite apparent that only a third of the class were what we’d call “well adjusted”. They usually wished for trivial things like toys.

A staggering two thirds of the class was struggling emotionally or psychologically in some or other way. Here are just a few of the wishes that were made:

“I wish my mother could get money to pay my school fees”

“I wish to taste a burger”

“I wish I could get new shoes this year for Christmas”

“I wish that my sister never died”

“I wish that my father would come back to us”

“I wish I could win the Lotto and buy my mother her own house”

“I wish for a car to take my mother to work so she doesn’t have to take the taxi at 4 o’ clock (am)”

The number of heart breaking wishes were endless. Most of the kids were carrying their parent’s burdens, worrying about and taking on responsibilities that were not theirs to take. These were 8 year old kids! They should be out playing on the field and kicking stones, not worrying about their parent’s well-being and their finances.

Y’know, I don’t have kids and I will never profess to know how difficult it is to raise them, especially since they don’t come with instruction manuals etc. But if there is one thing I do know, it’s that when you’re a parent, you and your selfish needs are pushed aside and your kid is a priority. Yes, you should still take care of yourself before you go taking care of others, but check your ego at the door.

A lot of parents see their children as an extension of themselves, rather than as individual people in their own right that have their own choices, requirements and desires.

The kid whose sister passed away was obviously still grieving because he mentioned her several times in different areas of his school work… yet it felt like no one was paying attention. Did his parents even know he felt this way? Did they even stop to think for one minute how this loss affected him, or were they too absorbed in their own pain? The sad part is that any comfort or reassurance he needs, he can only get from his parents… no teacher or substitute will do.

I’ve seen many new-age parents who only ever care about themselves… their social lives and their love lives… often neglecting their children’s emotional needs. Others only ever care about money, making the child feel like he/she is a burden to the family.

I know a woman who’s not much older than I am and she has four kids. Her youngest one was born a few months ago and is positively one of the most pleasant and beautiful babies I’ve ever seen in my life. She never cries… NEVER. She’s always smiling, calm and passive. But for some reason, her mother is just not interested. This absolutely stunning baby is like an inconvenience to her. Now I understand that with her other kids, things can become a little hectic. But this woman doesn’t even work. She has a live-in nanny that takes care of all the kids because she doesn’t want to have to deal with them. As a joke, I suggested that she give me the baby and I’ll return her when she’s 4 years old and she was seriously thinking about it (her husband would never agree but this child is too gorgeous not to try my luck). And that’s her life… it takes two hours to do her hair and make-up every morning and that is more important to her than feeding her baby.

A lot of people wonder why the kids of today act like young adults, too big for their boots, aged beyond their years. It’s no wonder that they’re all little adults, because they’re all sitting with adult problems. Your problems should never be your kids’ problems. If you’re on a tight budget, then let them know there’ll be no luxuries for a while instead of burdening them with financial issues. Your finances is your problem… it’s your job as an adult to see to it, and has nothing to do with them. And similarly, your love life is not for you to share. It harms and scars them almost irreversibly.

I know another woman who got married young and divorced a decade later. She lives quite isolated, away from her family and she doesn’t have many reliable friends, so her support network isn’t as strong as it should be. The result is that she thinks it’s appropriate to share details of her love life with her 15 year old daughter and every time she fights with her new boyfriend, she goes to her daughter seeking comfort and emotional support. So now, her daughter sees her as more of a friend than a mother, has lost respect for her mother’s authority and thinks its ok to challenge or question her mother when she tries to push her boundaries. In her mind, they’re equals.

A long time ago, when I was around 12 or 13, I can remember someone telling me that my Mother should be my friend. I asked her what she meant by that. She said that my Mother should be someone I can talk to about anything. So I told her then, as my Mother has told me many times over the years, that she will NEVER be my friend even though I can and do tell her everything that’s going on in my life. Even today, my Mother flat out refuses to be my friend on Facebook. That is a line she will never cross because we are not equals and as my Mother there are certain boundaries of her authority that I have to respect. If she makes a rule that I don’t like, I should still adhere to it and not get angry because I feel betrayed by my “friend”.

I’m always talking about moderation here and it applies to parenting too. A staggering amount of people spoil their kids rotten and the result is that two decades later, the rest of the world has to sit with an asshole. My Grandfather always said that you don’t bring your kids up for yourself, you bring them up for the world. Children need and WANT to be disciplined (read disciplined NOT abused). They need boundaries because it’s what makes them feel safe. I know a man who’s too afraid that his kids won’t like him so he forces his wife to do all the chastising and punishing, so that he can look like a hero. What a spineless bastard. Newsflash: your kids are not going to like you all the time… it’s the law of nature. And they don’t have to like you, but they have to respect you.

On the other end of the spectrum, we have those that should have never spawned in the first place. There are so many people out there dying to have kids… dying to have what so many people take for granted and still those that were blessed do not see their blessings.

In one of the First Grade classes I taught in, there is a 6 year old boy named Kagiso. And ever since the school year began, Kagiso has been raising hell, driving his teacher and all the other teachers as well as the principal up the wall. They’ve taken him to specialists to establish whether or not he has ADHD or some other psychological problem, but he tested negative. He’s a bright kid, but rebellious to the core. And nothing fazes him… no shouting, no punishment, no kind of admonishment gets to him. He’s disruptive and destructive and often beats up his fellow class mates and steals their stationary, and he’ll destroy public property, or steal or break something belonging to one of the teachers etc. He loves being hated you know why? Because that’s the only time he feels loved. When he misbehaves and all the attention is on him, it’s the only time he feels like he matters because when he’s at home, nobody even acknowledges his existence. His parents are too caught up in their own lives and his siblings are much older than he is, so they don’t have time for him. He’s a chronic attention seeker… a trait that could be detrimental to him as he grows up.

It’s normal for kids to be naughty… naughty is normal. But children are not born rude and arrogant and entitled… those are traits that they are taught, traits that they cultivate.

And if there’s one thing I despise and do not tolerate, it’s a rude kid. It’s a direct reflection of the blatant parental failure in that kids life. I’ve said it before, I’m a disciplinarian by nature… ask Kagiso why he’ll NEVER misbehave in my presence again. So here’s a stern warning to all the parents and soon-to-be parents and future parents out there… if you can’t do your job as a parent and teach your children the right way because you’re too obsessed with your own selfish needs, don’t mind if I do. And I will beat the manners into every rude little shit that comes my way. And if you have a problem with that, I will beat all those short-comings and parental failures out of you too.

POSITIVE PARENTING

By Claire Marketos
www.inspiredparenting.co.za

Smacking is one of many punitive options parents choose when raising their children, because it is usually the parenting style most familiar to them.

However, choosing positive parenting, giving a child what he needs to be happy and successful from the day he is born, raises children that are kind and co-operative, making smacking and the “d”(discipline) word obsolete.

Here are 10 positive parenting options that really work:

1.Children need positive attention. As parents we are quick to point out any undesirable behaviour. We criticise their actions, dress, words, and friends. Let’s rather be quick to praise our precious children. Catch them doing something good and tell them how proud you are of them. They will absolutely glow before you. Keep negative comments to yourself.

2.Children need to feel loved. Sit and hold each of your children for 10 minutes each day, and tell them how dear they are to you; how proud you are of them, and how much you love them. Even if you have four children, it will take you less than an hour to spend quality time with each child. You will see them swell with self esteem and confidence.

3.Children need consistency and predictability in the form of routine. This makes them feel secure. They like to know with 100% certainty what is expected of them at home, at school, and so forth. Collaborate with your children to set boundaries in the home that honours the needs of all family members. Give your children reasons as to why they are expected to behave pro-socially and why time management is important for the family as a whole. If the parent fails to provide structure and routine in the home, it is likely the child will feel insecure and misbehave.

4.Children need to be taught empathy, which is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s position, consider what they are feeling, and respond in a sensitive way. Empathy is not something that occurs naturally. An empathic person would find it very difficult to inflict pain on another person, whether physical or mental because they are aware of how the victim feels. Empathy is also key to high EQ.

5. Children need a reason to behave positively. Always explain to children why you require them to behave in a certain way. Even very young children will listen to your explanation, even if they don’t understand every word. The tone of your voice should be serious and reassuring.

6.Children’s feelings need to be acknowledged. “I know you don’t want to put your safety belt on. I know you feel restricted. It’s uncomfortable, but we need to be safe when travelling on the road.” Acknowledging their feelings with the same exuberance as they are expressing them, makes them stop and listen to you.

7.Children need to be motivated to behave positively. Children need to be motivated to behave positively. Be creative and find ways to motivate your child as you would motivate a complete stranger to do something you desire. Using incentives occasionally to help motivate the child is acceptable. However, using incentives all the time will teach the child to only work for a reward and not for self fulfillment.

8.Children need parents who are good role models of positive behaviour. Parents who shout, swear, hit and fight in front of their children, make their children anxious. Such children blame themselves for unhappiness in the home. Take time for yourself as a parent. Ask for help from friends and family when you feel you’re cracking up. Argue in private, when the children aren’t present. Think of ways to model positive behaviour for your children. They will copy you.

9.Children need problem solving options to increase their IQ and make them effective adults, especially in the business world. If a parent’s only problem solving technique is aggression in the form of smacking, shouting, or bullying, then that is what their children will learn. Teach children to think outside the box, especially when they have erred. Have a debate at the dinner table, and explore all the options.

10.Children need patience and creativity to steer them to wards positive behaviour. If you are aware that they are tired and irritable, and about to throw a tantrum, try to be patient and don’t make the situation worse by being punitive. If possible, find them a private space where they can freely express themselves. Tantrums can be a stress relief for the child. As parents sometimes we need to step away from a situation and destress. If you feel the urge to hit, ask yourself how would I feel right now if I was them? Try to meet their needs creatively.

Focusing on what children need makes raising them a pleasure as they respond positively, and you can begin to enjoy their uniqueness. Substituting emotional and verbal abuse for smacking should never be an option, and neither should bribery and extortion. They are just as harmful as smacking. Good luck! May you be inspired to practice positive parenting. (The Star, August 23,2007).

http://www.thestar.co.za/index.php?fArticleId=3996492

Revised and updated February 14, 2010

http://www.inspiredparenting.co.za/NewsCast.aspx?NID=9

15 Tips to Raising Great Children – Jamiatul Ulama KZN

Children are easily influenced by their surroundings. These days, it is extremely difficult to expose our children to an ideal Islamic environment given the influences from media, friends and even other members of the family.

With television, radio, Internet and forms of media mostly touting un-Islamic values, it is up to parents and adults close to the children to set the correct example.

It is impossible to shield our children from all the negative forces that can shape their minds and, ultimately, their behavior.

However, by our own example and showing them better options, we can set them on the true path, which is to obey the commandments of Allah (swt) and our Prophet (may Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him).

Here are some tips you may want to follow in helping your children grow up with Islamic values.

1. Start by teaching them the importance of Worshipping only Allah: The best thing any Muslim parent could ever teach their children is to emphasize, from the day they can comprehend, that Allah (swt) is One and no one is worthy of worship except Allah (swt). This is the fundamental message of our Prophet (may Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him) and it is our key to Paradise.

2. Treat them kindly: Kindness begets kindness. If we were kind to our children, they in turn would show kindness to others. Our Prophet (may Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him) was the best example in being kind to children.

3. Teach them examples of Muslim heroes: Instead of Batman or Superman, tell them about real heroes such as Abu Bakr, Umar ibn Khattab, Othman bin Affan, Ali bin Abi Talib and others. Tell them how Muslim leaders brought a real peaceful change in the world and won the hearts of Muslims and non-Muslims alike.

4. Let children sit with adults: It is preferable for children to be among adults, especially when listening to Islamic lectures. The Prophet (may Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him) would often put children in the front row when he spoke to the people.

5. Make them feel important: Consult them in family matters. Let them feel they are important members of the family and have a part to play in the growth and well being of the family.

6. Go out as a family: Take family trips rather than allowing your children to always go out only with their friends. Let your children be around family and friends from whom you want them to pick up their values. Always remember that your children will become who they are around with most of the time. So, watch their company and above all give them YOUR company.

7. Praise them: Praise is a powerful tool with children, especially in front of others. Children feel a sense of pride when their parents’ praise them and will be keen to perform other good deeds. However, praise must be limited to Islamic deeds and deeds of moral value.

8. Avoid humiliation: Similarly, do not humiliate them in front of others. Children make mistakes. Sometimes, these mistakes occur in their efforts to please the parents. If you are unhappy with your children, tell them in private.

9. Sports: The Prophet (may Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him) encouraged sports such as swimming, running and horse riding. Other sports that build character and physical strength are also recommended, as long as the children maintain their Islamic identity, wear appropriate clothes and do not engage in unnecessary mixing.

10. Responsibility: Have faith in their abilities to perform tasks. Give them chores to do in line with their age. Convince them that they are performing an important function and you will find them eager to help you out again.

11. Don’t spoil them: Children are easily spoiled. If they receive everything they ask for, they will expect you to oblige on every occasion. Be wise in what you buy for them. Avoid extravagance and unnecessary luxuries. Take them to an orphanage or poor area of your city once in a while so they can see how privileged they are.

12. Don’t be friends: It is common in the West for parents to consider their children as friends. In Islam, it doesn’t work that way. If you have ever heard how friends talk to each other, then you will know that this is not how a parent-child relationship should be. You are the parents, and they should respect you, and this is what you should be teaching them. The friendship part should be limited to you and them keeping an open dialog so they can share their concerns with you and ask you questions when they have any.

13. Pray with them: Involve them in acts of worship. When they are young, let them see you in act of salaah (salat). Soon, they would be trying to imitate you. Wake them up for Fajr and pray as a family. Talk to them about the rewards of salaah so that it doesn’t feel like a burden to them.

14. Emphasize halaal: It is not always good to say ‘this is haraam, that is haraam’. While you must educate them on haraam things, Islam is full of halaal and tell your children to thank Allah (swt) for the bounties He has bestowed on them- not just for food and clothes. Tell them to be thankful for having eyes that see, ears that hear, arms and legs and, the ultimate blessing, Islam in their hearts.

15. Set an example: As parents, you are the best example the children can have. If you talk to your parents rudely, expect your children to do the same to you. If you are disrespectful to others, your children will follow too. Islam is filled with Divine advice on the best ways to bring up your children. That makes it an obligation upon parents to be good Muslims so their children will try to emulate them. If you don’t take Islam seriously, neither will your children. It goes back to our third point, which is to give them Islamic heroes. As a parent, you should be their number one hero.

 

http://www.jamiat.org.za/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=358:15-tips-to-raising-great-children&catid=48:parenting&Itemid=84

ABC’S AND 123’S: EDUCATING MUSLIM CHILDREN IN THE WEST

by Sana Khan

Uncertainty: The Dilemma of Muslim Parents

Alphabets, numbers in Arabic, English and Urdu, colors, shapes, body parts etc. Is it wrong of me to think about schooling for my one year old daughter? Prior to getting married my significant other and I made it a point to discuss the topic of educating our future children as any young couple would. In hopes of sharing similar thoughts based on personal experiences we found ourselves hitting a dead end so to speak with regards to how we would want our children to be schooled. Now with our first toddler running around we find ourselves scrambling to teach her the best that we can. SubhanAllah, the blessings of Allah SWT are clear in the way our daughter imitates us, struggles to pronounce words, and gets into trouble to appease her curiosity. Children are sponges and their little hearts and minds soak in what they see, hear and experience. As a mother, the best thing about this whole learning phase is that I am the one honored with welcoming her into this world and teaching her whatever good I can about it. However, the worst thing about it is the constant state of worry my heart and mind will be in as she steps out of the safety of our home and experiences situations where she will have to put into practice all that I have taught her. That will be the ultimate judge of my upbringing and that thought alone has me fearful of her ever leaving my side.

This is the reality of many Muslim parents, both in Muslim and non Muslim countries. Children are raised in homes with or without parents and proper care from them. They go on to be contributing members of their societies and their contribution solely lies on their upbringing of which education is a major factor. In the west for many Muslim parents there is an on going debate between the various schooling options that parents have: public, private non Islamic, private Islamic and home schooling. Muslim children make up a great percentage of all of these schools and ultimately each comes out with a unique personality as a result of what they are taught.

A is for Allah: Education in Islam

“The educational philosophy of Islam is based on a simultaneous dual policy of “Ta’aleem” and “Tarbi’yaah”. The first one is the basic acquisition of knowledge and skills within a human mind and body, whereas the second one is the practical nurturing of the acquired knowledge and skills so as to nourish the personality of the individual. This in turn will lay down the foundation of grooming the person in order to mould the desired personality, according to the parameters of Quran and Sunnah. Thus we carve out an individual with his/her uniqueness in characteristics and features as a result of this dual policy,” shares Imam Jawad Ahmad, Islamic Studies teacher at Al Ghazaly Islamic High School in New Jersey and 877-Why-Islam Hotline Coordinator. For a Muslim the process of education comes full circle, it is a journey that begins and ends at home. This process factors in the time the child spends in an educational institution but does not solely leave it to said institution to fulfill all of his or her educational needs.

“When children are taught to think of home as their base of learning and the world as their classroom, they are motivated to learn year round, from a rich variety of sources. Instead of artificially separating subjects into different periods throughout the day, I wanted my children to get a truly interdisciplinary education, from real-life experiences. Children are all individuals, with their own unique styles of learning. The one- size- fits- all approach to schooling does not work for everyone. Alhumdolillah I realized that there are other options on educating our children today than there were ten years ago,” points out Mariam Junaid* mother of four children from which three are currently home schooled. I always knew that I would be the mother who played a key role in my child’s life; not necessarily an overbearing role but rather one where I can help her make the best decision for herself during important situations. So I began to think of home schooling my little one, but with no experience whatsoever and being both public schooled until college my husband and I stared blankly at one another in hope to see a ray of optimism in our current decision.

Public, Private and Home: Where Should One Start?

“True knowledge potential exists in the west due to overwhelming resources at our disposal, which can transform this knowledge into power for the individual such that it equips them with a vision that broadens their horizon and scope of activity in this world,” shares Imam Jawad. The key word here is: resources. The educational system in the west is overflowing with resources utilized in the classroom. These resources however are not limited to the actual learning environment. Instead, the World Wide Web has become a stepping stone for teachers, students and parents to tap into the wide array of tools that exist online. Muslim parents are raising their children in a society that provides educational toys for infants up until they are adults, along with the availability of utilizing technological devices at home such as computers and phones as key learning tools. But the question remains, with all these opportunities to learn at one’s finger tips what option is the best?

As a nervous parent hoping for the best for her child my search for providing a proper education had me discussing this concern with various parents, teachers and educational leaders within community. This dialogue led to the various possibilities that await both my daughter and I when we take our first steps towards actualizing our vision of education. “Before we ever embark upon any journey, we know that it is not going to be without challenges. While there are going to be unique challenges that every family will go through, some of the most common challenges include a lot of dedication, patience and time from my end. But I must say the results are beautiful and worthless Alhumdolillah,” states Mariam Junaid. Dedication, patience and time, are some of the most important factors in not only raising children but also educating them. It is with certainty for parents, whose children are attending the various types of educational institutions, that their role in the education process is key in producing the fruits of their child’s labor. Along with this positive reinforcement, awareness of their child’s needs and passion, as well as the difficulties in expression or subjects are all areas that require none other than parental involvement.

In my search for the best institution there was one flaw that I failed to recognize prior to embarking on this difficult task: each and every individual will support their avenue of education despite the positives and negatives for in the end it was that institution which shaped their personality. So at the end of the day, as I sit and watch my daughter read a book out loud to herself and be the only one to understand her gibberish, it was ultimately the decision of my husband and myself to sift through what we learn from this dialogue and make constant dua that our child be guided towards what is good.

Home Schooling: A New Road for Parents

“The society that we live in unfortunately gives us the impression that every thing has to be institutionalized and we are forced not to look beyond these boundaries set for us in the society we live in,” highlights Mariam. Home schooling is an up and rising trend amongst many parents in the west, both Muslim and non Muslim. The factors that lead to such a decision are the violent crimes in public schools, acceptance of immoral behavior in public school (clothing, language and gender interaction), and financial disability in enrolling in a private school. Such factors add to the increase in mothers putting their careers on hold to raise their children in the safety of their homes. But many argue that doing so can be detrimental to the upbringing of the child.

Having my daughter home with me would be the ideal situation, but would that mean I would be taking away from her complete learning experience? As a mother who was blessed to be brought up with an education that possessed unlimited resources I did not want to restrict my child from doing the same.

“Home schooling provides a highly enriching environment for brain development because of custom tailored curricula/syllabi for individual student. As well as full growth potential for the child, basically the sky is the limit! However, this may serve as a lack of socializing environment for the child, which can lead to an eccentric introvert personality unless proper measures taken,” advises Imam Jawad. Socializing is a recurring point in the arguments made against home schooling. The educational resources without a doubt are readily available in bookstores, online, libraries and home schooling networks, but what does one do about interaction?

“We want our children to be thinkers rather than mere parrots of other children’s thoughts. The more independent and self-directed they are going to be in their values and skills; they will largely avoid peer dependency. As a researcher (Holt) pointed out, human beings tend to behave worse in large groups. As a result, children in school learn to be cliquish, conformist, bullying and teasing. Human virtues like kindness, patience, and generosity are best learned in intimate relationships, such as those within the family.

My children have a full social life without school. They joined activities such as soccer, baseball, tennis and countless other group activities and one prevailing above all these is memorizing Qur’ān,” shares Mariam. This point alone made me think about the Muslim youth of today. Would there exist an identity crisis if they were able to grow up without the influences of another child’s thought?

Public vs. Private School: Not an Easy Choice

As Muslim Americans are increasing in numbers so too are the masajid and full time Islamic schools that become their first project. Young Muslim professionals who are having tremendous difficulty in finding jobs often accept teaching positions in Islamic Schools as an alternative until they get a break in the professional world. As a result many schools are steering away from the normal housewife teacher and more towards individuals who can relate to the issues of children being raised in this society.

“Islamic schools provide a healthy environment, are conducive to nurturing kids in Islamic moral values, and provide an enrichment of young minds. Unfortunately, many have very high tuition rates therefore making it unaffordable for many and more importantly sub-standard teaching at times due to lack of resources,” share Imam Jawad. Sadly, this is the case for a majority of Islamic schools in the west. With many making their own way towards this uphill struggle of providing the best, the price tag the comes with it becomes burdensome for most. Islamic schools must factor in each and every expense unless certified to receive government grants. Since many are not or do not know how to become certified they in turn have to charge the community through endless fundraisings and the parents through increased tuition in order to stay afloat. Furthermore, resources besides what is online become limited and outdated which limits the potential growth of students unless parents are making the extra effort at home.

Nevertheless, a fulltime Islamic school serves as an institution to instill within the child morals and values that public school simply are not allowed to. Many parents breathe a sigh of relief knowing that their child is being taught about Islam along with other subjects and teachings. However, do parents have to give up their opportunity to raise their child free of cost and with unlimited resources merely on the fear that they will be unable to maintain their child’s Islamic identity if enrolled in a public school?

“Public school provides the aptitude for enhancement of personal skills provided the child circumvents the liabilities of environment,” highlights Imam Jawad. The reminder here is to steer clear of the liabilities of this schooling environment. This thought alone brings many valid fears in the hearts of Muslim parents. With the disorganization seen in some Islamic Schools and the often times unaffordable tuition rates many Muslim parents are hoping to appease their hearts by sending their child to public schools and enrolling them in weekend Islamic schools in order to maintain a balance.

I think of my daughter’s future all the time, in what foods she eats for maintaining her health, in what she wears in ensuring her safety from sicknesses, and in what she learns in hopes of her becoming an empowered Muslimah. As in all walks of life, the decisions of grave importance provide no clear cut answer and require much thought and prayer to be guided towards what is the best for us. There is the recurring thought that the education does begin and end in the home. Furthermore, parents must play an active role in ensuring their child is given his and her right to a proper upbringing. Not only that, but also to provide their child with the best resources one can afford in order to produce well rounded individuals who in turn can be positive members of society. In hopes of raising leaders, parents are advised to interact with their children on a daily basis to understand the desires of their child and to encourage them towards good. Every day is a day to learn something new so let’s get to it.

*In order to maintain the privacy of the sister interview her name has been changed*

http://www.icna.org/family/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=151&Itemid=4

Effective Islamic Parenting

The Soul of your child is like an uncut precious jewel entrusted into your care by Allah. To you is given the awesome responsibility of shaping that precious jewel into a beautiful form, pleasing to the eye of Allah. It is your sacred duty to ensure your child grows up to be a good and right human being (Muslim). The oneness (tawhid) of Allah is also expressed in the unity of Islamic life. Raising your children to be good and right human beings is part of the necessary Islamization of world society. The simple fact is that it is very difficult, perhaps impossible, to raise your children to be truly good and right human beings in the world as it is at present.

Only in a fully Islamic world will the conditions exist where children will naturally develop into the good and right humans beings desired by Allah. That is the beautiful future we can offer our children, but to do this we must do battle with the influences of the present wrong world as we create that promised future for our children. We do this by learning the knowledge and skills it takes to be an effective Islamic parent, and developing in our hearts the unstoppable desire to put these skills and knowledge into practice in our everyday life as we aid our children in their development.

We are greatly blessed by Allah to be Muslims at this particular time in world history. The unique social and historical conditions, combined with new the knowledge and technology now available, make it not only possible but highly likely that within a generation or so we will live in that long unfulfilled dream of all Muslims, a truly Islamic world.

These unique conditions existing today are: the fact that the prevailing dominant world culture, the Western culture, is undergoing a widespread social collapse due to the inherent wrongness within its belief systems and behaviours; that the conclusions of modern science have finally reached a point where one must acknowledge science now supports the traditional beliefs in God and His works; that we have recently come to understand the laws of learning by which all human characteristics are developed; and, that we now have a worldwide communication network so effective that any important new idea could reach virtually every person in the world within days.

The result of these existing conditions is that: those suffering from the collapse of the Western way of life and thought are desperate for some solution to their distress and will see in Islam that much needed answer; atheism and secular materialism will lose their power to take the faith in Islam from our youth; through the spread of the knowledge of learning theory each new generation will come closer to the perfect expression of Islam in the physical existence; and, through the right use of communication technology a unified ummah of 1.2 billion Muslims will be able to effectively offer the traditional scholarship and knowledge of Islam to all the people of the world.

In the coming years there will occur many new opportunities for all Muslims to take an active role in the creation of this truly and fully Islamic world of the future. As a most important beginning to this momentous task it is necessary for every Muslim parent to learn and practice the techniques of effective Islamic parenting. The path to effective Islamic parenting consists of two parts, necessarily inseparable. They are an objective, accurate and positive worldview, combined with a good understanding of the laws of learning by which all human characteristics develop. This is necessary because the laws of learning are much too powerful to be used without a clear positive direction in which to influence the child’s development. Islam most certainly provides this clear, correct and positive direction, as Allah would never mislead us.

All laws in this physical universe belong to Allah, and the laws of learning, to the degree we correctly understand them, by which all human development takes place are created by Allah just as are the laws of physics which hold the moon, sun, and stars in place. These laws of learning provide the most powerful tool for directing the development of the individual or any social group that has ever existed. For a Muslim to be a truly effective Islamic parent it is necessary to understand Allah’s laws of learning.

Just as Allah has made our religion easy for us, Allah has made the laws of learning easy for us to understand and use. Actually, these laws of learning in their entirety can be quite complex, and to fully comprehend these laws and understand their widest application can take many years of study. Nevertheless, all thanks to His Mercy, Allah has allowed anyone hearing a brief and simple explanation of these laws of learning to be able to use most of their incredible power. This easily understood knowledge of the laws of learning is more than enough to enable a parent to raise their child as a good and right human being.

It is important that knowledge of these laws of learning and their use should never be seen as somehow separate from the unity of Islamic life. To be most effective in helping you raise your children, these laws of learning are not to be ‘applied’ like some mechanical tool, but they must be incorporated deeply into the innermost reaches of your consciousness until they become a natural part of your unique style of interpersonal communication and interaction with your child.

In order to keep this explanation of the laws of learning both brief and simple it will be presented as a successive series of individual points, but made specific for use in effective Islamic parenting:

GENERAL LAWS OF DEVELOPMENT

1. Most basic premise – That any person or social group who possesses both a positive and accurate world view and an understanding of the laws of learning will move naturally and inevitably toward all things good and right.
2. An infant child comes into the world perfectly good and only becomes other than perfectly good while growing into adulthood due to the influences upon him/her during their years of development.
3. Human society is obviously not perfectly good at this point in history, in fact our world society has become so bad that some philosophers have made the claim that human nature is basically evil.
4. The reason so much evil exists in today’s world is not because human nature is basically evil, but because the influences we naturally encounter as physical beings in a material world tend most often to direct our development away from Allah.
5. The influences upon us come from three sources in our environment, the physical, the social(any influence coming either directly or indirectly from other people), and from inner speech(the influence of our own thoughts and feelings).
6. Every influence upon a us will have some effect greater than zero; and, while most of these will be very small, some can be so powerful as to be life changing.
7. The overall impact upon our development of any single influence from any of these three sources can be either negative or positive.
8. Every individual is subjected to many thousands of influences every day, some of these influences being directed toward evil and some being directed toward Allah.
9. To overcome the influence of evil (movement toward the material) and move toward Allah (the spiritual) takes consistent and concentrated effort.

10. If we do not recognize the affect of these influences upon our development we will go whichever way the influences take us, thereby too often moving away from Allah and toward evil.

11. If we can recognize the affect of these influences upon our development we can use the laws of learning to limit the affect of the negative influences upon us and to increase the affect of the positive influences upon us, thereby moving continuously away from evil and moving toward Allah.

12. When we see an influence upon us that we know would push us away from Allah we can say things to ourselves using inner speech that can take away the power of that negative influence.

13. When we see an influence upon us that we know would help us move toward Allah we can say things to ourselves using inner speech that can add greatly to the power of that positive influence.

14. As we learn to recognize all the influences upon us from the inner and outer realms of the environment, when we learn to correctly identify those influences as being either negative or positive upon our development, and when we learn to use our inner speech to say the correct things after each one of those negative or positive influences (which will reduce the power of the negative and increase the power of the positive), then we will begin naturally and inevitably to move away from all that is wrong and harmful, and we will begin to move naturally and inevitably toward all things good and right.

15. An individual who does these things cannot fail to become a good and right human being; and, a society that does these things cannot fail to become a good and right society.

GENERAL LAWS OF LEARNING

1. Basically, all laws of learning involve what is commonly called reward and punishment.
2. Any behaviour that is followed by reward (reinforcement) will tend to increase in the future.
3. There are two classes of reward: when something that is desired is given after a behaviour, that is reward (for example, if you were to smile at your child after he/she says something nice); and, when something that is disliked is removed after a behaviour, that is reward (for example, when your feeling of shame for some wrong you have done is removed by offering sincere repentance and seeking forgiveness from Allah).
4. Any behaviour that is followed by punishment will tend to decrease in the future.
5. There are two classes of punishment: when something that is disliked occurs after a behaviour, that is punishment (for example, if you were to hit your child after he/she says something rude); and, when something that is liked is removed after a behaviour, that is punishment (for example, if your child is not allowed to continue playing after hitting a playmate).
6. Punishment is always harmful to the child even if it seems to achieve the parent’s goal.
7. The undesirable side effects of punishment are: the child will sometimes try to escape from or retaliate (fight) against the punishing situation; the child will sometimes have negative feelings toward whoever punishes him/her; and, punishment usually remains effective only when the possibility of punishment is clearly present.
8. The alternative to punishment should not be permissiveness (meaning to let your child do anything they want), if there is anything more harmful to the child’s development than punishment it is permissiveness.
9. The right alternative to punishment in raising a child is called directed positive influence.

10. Directed positive influence means to reward (with praise, attention or an occasional small gift) your child after they do things that are good and right, while gently providing correction when your child does wrong.

11. The younger you start using directed positive influence with your child the easier it will be for you and the more effective it will be in helping your child develop into a good and right human being.

12. To provide effective Islamic parenting you must understand the concept of ‘shaping’.

13. Shaping is the consistent rewarding of successive small steps toward any desired goal for your child.

14. With the shaping process correctly and consistently in effect there is no positive goal that cannot be achieved.

15. Set every goal at perfection, being rewarding of successful steps along that unending path but never punishing the non-arrival at that perfect goal.

16. The beginning steps in the shaping process should be kept small so they are easily accomplished successfully.

17. If during the shaping process you make any step so large that it cannot be accomplished then the progress toward the desired goal will come to a stop, and often revert back to a much less desired level.

18. Lots of reward should be given at the beginning of the shaping process and then should be gradually reduced in the later stages.

19. If reward is given after every behaviour in the shaping process this is called ‘continuous reinforcement’.

20. Continuous reinforcement is very good for getting progress toward some desired goal underway.

21. The problem with continuous reinforcement is that the behaviour can become too dependent on the reward, and could stop quickly if the reward stops.

22. If reward is given not after every behaviour in the shaping process but after only some behaviours this is called ‘variable reinforcement’.

23. Variable reinforcement is a good way to maintain progress toward a desired goal without the behaviour becoming too dependent on the reward, so that your child does not always expect to be rewarded for their right behaviour.

24. To make the shaping process most effective you should teach your child how to reward their successful progress with inner speech, their own thoughts and feelings, so reward from others is no longer necessary to maintain good and right behaviour.

25. It is good to always discuss your goals for your child with him/her so that you are consciously working together to achieve goals you both desire.

26. It will help your child greatly in their development if you can teach him/her the specifics of the laws of learning that you are using to help them become good and right human beings.

27. For most effective parenting everyone in the family group should be made aware of and helped to understand these laws of learning, should try to relate to each other on the basis of these laws of learning, and should share, appreciate and work together to achieve the desired goals.

SPECIFICS OF EFFECTIVE ISLAMIC PARENTING

1. For Islamic parenting to be most effective there must be a truly Islamic society, so part of your responsibility as Muslim parents is to help recreate a right Islamic world.
2. Parental love for their children is a Mercy from Allah, not only in humans but even in animals.
3. In Islam the love of a parent for their child is so taken for granted that it is not even thought necessary to state this as a requirement for parents.
4. In Islam the main responsibility the parent has to their child is to provide for their education (this is to be understood in the broadest possible sense, including all things that assist the child to become a good and right human being).
5. The Qur’an also places great responsibility on the child in regard to their parents, requiring the child to be kind to the parents, to help their parents in their old age, to never speak to their parents with contempt, to never reject their parents, to honour their parents, and to fulfil all these responsibilities with humility.
6. Every child should be taught from their earliest years about their responsibility as a vicegerent(khalifah) of Allah; that it is their duty as vicegerent to transform themselves into Muslims living in true submission to the Will of Allah, that it is their duty to transform all of human society into an Islamic society living in true submission to the Will of Allah, and that it their duty to transform the physical world of space and time into a garden paradise for Allah.
7. Raise your child to be a courageous Muslim, willing to struggle against evil in the greater and lesser jihad, as this will be necessary to create a right Islamic world for the future.
8. Raise your child to fully believe they will successfully create and live in a truly Islamic world, because belief is critical to successfully achieving any goal.
9. Anything that you believe will happen is more likely to happen because you will find ways (both consciously and unconsciously) to make sure it happens, and anything that you don’t believe will happen is less likely to happen because you will find ways to make sure it doesn’t happen; this fact is known as the ‘self-fulfilling prophesy’.

10. The parent should never let their love for their child prevent them from doing what is right for their child (for example neglecting to correct the child when he/she does wrong).

11. If there is a conflict of interests, the requirements of Islam have priority over the desires of the child (for example, if the child would rather play than pray).

12. Teach your child to love Allah, The Prophet, Islam, and Islamic values.

13. Teach your child to see all things and understand all things from the perspective of Islam.

14. In Islam if it becomes necessary to correct your child for some wrongdoing this must be done according to a certain hierarchy: first, explain to your child in a gentle way how they have overstepped some limit from rightness into wrong; second, if the gentle instruction does not result in the child correcting that wrong behaviour, you should indicate your disapproval of that wrong behaviour by withdrawing your favour (for example, do not give smiles, hugs or kind words to your child at such times); and third, only as a last resort, your child can be physically punished (beaten) if they do not correct the wrong behaviour.

15. In Islam if it becomes necessary for you to beat your child there are specific rules and limitations: you may not hit your child on the face or stomach, you may not hit your child more than a maximum of three times, and you may not hit your child hard enough to leave a cut or bruise on the skin.

16. You should never hit your child when you are angry, not only are you then more likely to become excessive in your punishment but doing so will teach your child that it is right to hit people when they are angry.

17. It is important to realize that if you reach a point where you feel it is necessary to beat your child then something has gone badly wrong, and you previously have not done all you could have done to avoid this becoming necessary.

18. It is a fact of learning that you cannot punish a child without harming him/her, so punishment can only become necessary if you have no positive alternative, and the good that comes from being punished will outweigh the harm you do to your child.

19. Remember, the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) never once hit a child, a woman or a servant.

20. Do not argue with your child, as there is almost never any benefit in doing so.

21. Although your child might well choose to pray at a younger age, at seven years of age your child should be required to pray through gentle encouragement; and, at ten years of age your child can be beaten for not praying, although this circumstance should never arise with correct Islamic parenting.

22. Your child should be taught to memorize the Qur’an, the benefits are many and much wider in scope than is often believed in these modern times.

23. At every age there must be appropriate rights given to your child and necessary limits set upon your child’s behaviour, which will allow your child to fully explore their human potential while not causing harm to themselves, harm to others or damage to their surroundings.

24. If you see your child doing something wrong it is usually not even necessary to mention the thing that is wrong, instead, it is often sufficient (and always more desirable) only to say how much you like the right thing which is the opposite of the wrong being done.

25. You should not expose your child’s failings or wrongdoings in front of others, if this must be done it is best if it be done privately.

26. Don’t give much attention to the bad or wrong things your child does and says, but give lots of attention to the good or right things your child does and says.

27. You should, of course, always love your child unconditionally, but you should only express that love at times which are most beneficial to your child.

28. You should at all times be a model of a good and right human being (Muslim) for your child.
bismillaahir rahmaanir rahiim

EFFECTIVE ISLAMIC PARENTING

(Read each morning!!!)

1. I am raising my child to be a successful vicegerent (khalifah) of Allah, who will help create a truly Islamic World.
2. Today I will try my best to know and understand all the influences upon my child’s development.
3. Today I will try my best to help my child understand the power of negative influences to take him/her away from Allah, and the power of positive influences to take him/her to Allah.
4. Today I will try my best to shield my child from the power of the negative influences to take him/her away from Allah.
5. Today I will try my best to enhance (increase) the power of the positive influences upon my child to take him/her toward llah.
6. Today I will try my best to notice some positive things my child does or says, and tell him/her how much those things are appreciated by me and by Allah.
7. Today I will try my best to say nothing negative to my child. Even if I have to correct my child’s wrong behaviour I will try my best to find some positive way to do so.
8. Today I will love my child unconditionally, but I will try my best to express that love at times which are most beneficial to my child.
9. Today I will try my best to be an example of a good and right human being (Muslim) for my child.

10. Today I will pray for Allah’s help that I can be a good parent for my child.

Source: The Khalifah Project – Towards an Islamic World http://www.islamic-world.net/khalifah-project/EIP.htm