How To Respect Your Teens’ Privacy

Source: MuslimMatters.org
by Sadaf Farooqi

Teenagers — youths at the threshold of adulthood, still harboring a carefree, emotional child within, need their parents to empathize with them during the rocky, transitional phase of adolescence.
From bawling infants requiring round-the-clock care, to toddlers that break free and run amok, to preschoolers learning to scribble and being read to, to hyperactive tots who love to help around the house and play with toys, parenting takes us on one roller coaster ride after another.
Just when we think it will get easier, one fine day, these munchkins have morphed into teenagers: awkward, lanky, self-conscious, acne-faced and aloof. “Where did that friendly child of mine disappear?” you wonder.
Do not worry; your offspring will resurface in good time. Meanwhile, here is what you should keep in mind when dealing with them from now on:

Recognize the signs

In the past, you could barge into your “children’s” room at any time, without knocking; shouting instructions off the top of your head, you could drag them out of bed to make them clean their room. No more of that, now, Ummi. Your teenagers will begin to indicate their privacy needs through body language. It might be a scowl when they are asked a question they find invasive, a tantrum when you go through their closet to look for something, or an outright wrangle with a sibling when the latter enters their room while they are studying.
Do not take all this personally. It is a natural endeavor to establish boundaries around their ‘personal space’, in which they can retreat for privacy, which is a genuine need at this age. They are transitioning into adulthood, and a need for privacy or space is natural. In addition, they will stop disclosing each and every detail about their lives and/or feelings to you, as they did before – this is a step towards establishing intangible, ‘emotional’ boundaries around themselves.

Provide them this “space”

As parents, we should not take offense at our teens’ increasing aloofness with us or their frigidity in social gatherings. The best way to console ourselves is to think, “This is just a passing phase.” It really is. They need us to back off with the physical and verbal expressions of love and to treat them more like adults. The best way to make them feel appreciated is to delegate some adult tasks to them and to respect their opinions on matters.
Ideally, teenage girls should not be sharing a bedroom or bathroom with their brothers or father. If possible, each teenager should have a personal place to sleep and study in, in peace, and a locking closet that younger siblings cannot get into. However, if this is not possible, especially in large families, you can improvise and think out of the box. Renovate your garage, gazebo, tool-shed (no kidding!), attic, study, or balcony/terrace to set up a small personal place for your teenager, such as a desk with a bookshelf. Most of all, expect your teenager to withdraw into this space for a few hours everyday.

Make sure they know that you are still the boss

What parents must be careful about at this stage is to maintain the tricky balance between keeping a strict but discreet supervisory eye over their teenagers and giving them freedom and independence. Teenagers should be made to realize that garnering trust and “adult” privileges (e.g. using the Internet in privacy, going out alone, driving the car, or possessing a personal cell phone) comes with responsibilities and restrictions. These adult privileges must be earned after proving themselves to be trustworthy, responsible, honest and morally upright youngsters – especially regarding fulfillment of Islamic obligations and duties. Conversely, they should know that any breach in their parents’ regulations or intentional treachery can immediately result in the elimination of these privileges.

Talk about their interests without probing

If you really want to know why your fourteen-year-old daughter is so glum since she came home from her friend’s house, instead of asking her outright, you can start a casual conversation with her by telling her about your day. Then you can ask her how she liked the snack you packed for her.

“Parents often don’t understand that their adolescent is resistant to questions for two good causes. Adult questions are not only invasive of privacy, they are emblematic of authority. They expose the inequity between adolescent and adult. The adolescent is expected to be answerable to the adult authority, not the other way around. Being repeatedly questioned by an adult can feel threatening, and agreeing to answer can feel demeaning.” – Dr. Carl Pickhardt, “Surviving (Your Child’s) Adolescence“, PsychologyToday.com

Teenagers usually take the bait and start talking once they know they have a sympathetic ear. What they do not like is the interrogative probing. Know that the torrent will come out at some time; just make sure you are there for them when it does.

Watch your tone

If your teenager mentions something about their friends or recreational activities that you find objectionable, do not jump into “tyrannical-lecturing-parent” mode immediately. Let it pass then, but perhaps express your disapproval by remaining silent or not laughing (e.g. if they crack a joke in bad taste, use a curse word, or talk about an elder disrespectfully) or leaving the room to prevent an altercation. Later on, once you find a secluded spot and a quiet moment, talk to them about the behavior that is not appropriate. Keep it short (remember, they hate lectures) and never, ever make the mistake of scolding or reprimanding them in public, before their peers, or in front of siblings. Also, do not tattle to your spouse in front of the whole family as soon as the latter walks in from work. This will make your teenager feel as if you betrayed their trust.

Keep up-to-date with what is going on in ‘their’ world

As a teenager, I remember naively thinking that my parents knew nothing about all the “cool” stuff in “my” world – one that revolved around my friends, slang words, glossy fashion magazines, music, movies, pop idols, makeup, supermodels, dirty jokes and romance novels. What teenagers do not know is that even their parents went through this phase, and know exactly what they are going through.
Read newspapers, magazines and blogs to understand all that is new in the youngsters’ world, including the slang words and sly jokes that teenagers use during conversation. Keep yourself updated; become the technologically and fashionably “with-it” parent whom they can proudly introduce to their friends when the latter visit. However, remember that you will still be feared and revered by your teenagers; hence, you will not exactly be welcome to ‘hang with’ their friends. Therefore, do not take your teenager’s embarrassment and awkwardness personally when you walk in on or sit with their friends for a while. Most likely, your departure will elicit sighs of relief all around!

Be the “toughie” friend outside their clique

As a parent, know that your teenagers will probably consider their friends clique the center of their universe for a few years but will come crying to you when they hurt them in any way. Your role as parent to a teenager, is not “the hand that feeds them or bathes them”, but rather “the friend who is always there” when needed. In addition, you must not be afraid to become the occasional ‘warden’ or ‘bad guy’ when the need arises; someone who is there to set limits, enforce rules, check performance, and unfortunately, as a last resort, exact appropriate retribution to wrong behavior.

Establish a rapport with their educators

If your teenager goes to school, establish a rapport with their teacher by casually talking to him or her about your ward’s progress and behavior at school. This will establish your concern as an “involved” parent; someone who can be approached easily if they want to discuss something about your teenager’s progress at school.

Do not go through their private things

Unless you want your teenaged son or daughter to brand you as “the enemy”, do not go through their stuff behind their backs, unless it is absolutely necessary. Do not read their diary (if they keep one) or go through their journals, notebooks, desk, dresser, closet, school bag, clothes, or accessories without a valid reason. You need to realize that they are no longer children and that your role has changed. If you do not tread with extreme care, you might cause irrevocable damage to your relationship with them, which is at a fragile, volatile stage.
Your focus throughout your children’s adolescence should not be just establishing and enforcing stringent rules, restrictions, curfews and chore-lists. Rather, you should also give importance to maintaining open, heart-to-heart communication, providing an understanding and sympathetic ear, and giving emotional support. You will need to relinquish some control in their lives, and instead, learn to delegate tasks to them in order to build their confidence as “wannabe” adults and make them feel trusted. The more teenagers believe that their parents trust them, the less likely they are to break rules or to disobey them.
Lastly, if a breach of trust on their part gets them punished, but they follow it with sincere repentance, ratification and consistent good behavior, you as their parents, should embody humility and justice by retracting their punishment and allowing them honorary privileges once again.
This will convey the valuable message to them that, just as Allah always accepts His penitent servants’ repentance and opens the door for them to a new beginning, so do you, as their parents, accept and appreciate atonement. They should know that you will continue to have hope in them to reform after a lapse in good behavior and are always there for them as their “rock” during these stormy, hormone-charged, formative years of their lives.
Thereafter, you can sit back and enjoy as they come to you, again and again, looking for a hug, a heart-to-heart conversation, and emotional catharsis over warm, homemade brownies and a cup of hot tea.

This article was first published in SISTERS Magazine.

ABC’S AND 123’S: EDUCATING MUSLIM CHILDREN IN THE WEST

by Sana Khan

Uncertainty: The Dilemma of Muslim Parents

Alphabets, numbers in Arabic, English and Urdu, colors, shapes, body parts etc. Is it wrong of me to think about schooling for my one year old daughter? Prior to getting married my significant other and I made it a point to discuss the topic of educating our future children as any young couple would. In hopes of sharing similar thoughts based on personal experiences we found ourselves hitting a dead end so to speak with regards to how we would want our children to be schooled. Now with our first toddler running around we find ourselves scrambling to teach her the best that we can. SubhanAllah, the blessings of Allah SWT are clear in the way our daughter imitates us, struggles to pronounce words, and gets into trouble to appease her curiosity. Children are sponges and their little hearts and minds soak in what they see, hear and experience. As a mother, the best thing about this whole learning phase is that I am the one honored with welcoming her into this world and teaching her whatever good I can about it. However, the worst thing about it is the constant state of worry my heart and mind will be in as she steps out of the safety of our home and experiences situations where she will have to put into practice all that I have taught her. That will be the ultimate judge of my upbringing and that thought alone has me fearful of her ever leaving my side.

This is the reality of many Muslim parents, both in Muslim and non Muslim countries. Children are raised in homes with or without parents and proper care from them. They go on to be contributing members of their societies and their contribution solely lies on their upbringing of which education is a major factor. In the west for many Muslim parents there is an on going debate between the various schooling options that parents have: public, private non Islamic, private Islamic and home schooling. Muslim children make up a great percentage of all of these schools and ultimately each comes out with a unique personality as a result of what they are taught.

A is for Allah: Education in Islam

“The educational philosophy of Islam is based on a simultaneous dual policy of “Ta’aleem” and “Tarbi’yaah”. The first one is the basic acquisition of knowledge and skills within a human mind and body, whereas the second one is the practical nurturing of the acquired knowledge and skills so as to nourish the personality of the individual. This in turn will lay down the foundation of grooming the person in order to mould the desired personality, according to the parameters of Quran and Sunnah. Thus we carve out an individual with his/her uniqueness in characteristics and features as a result of this dual policy,” shares Imam Jawad Ahmad, Islamic Studies teacher at Al Ghazaly Islamic High School in New Jersey and 877-Why-Islam Hotline Coordinator. For a Muslim the process of education comes full circle, it is a journey that begins and ends at home. This process factors in the time the child spends in an educational institution but does not solely leave it to said institution to fulfill all of his or her educational needs.

“When children are taught to think of home as their base of learning and the world as their classroom, they are motivated to learn year round, from a rich variety of sources. Instead of artificially separating subjects into different periods throughout the day, I wanted my children to get a truly interdisciplinary education, from real-life experiences. Children are all individuals, with their own unique styles of learning. The one- size- fits- all approach to schooling does not work for everyone. Alhumdolillah I realized that there are other options on educating our children today than there were ten years ago,” points out Mariam Junaid* mother of four children from which three are currently home schooled. I always knew that I would be the mother who played a key role in my child’s life; not necessarily an overbearing role but rather one where I can help her make the best decision for herself during important situations. So I began to think of home schooling my little one, but with no experience whatsoever and being both public schooled until college my husband and I stared blankly at one another in hope to see a ray of optimism in our current decision.

Public, Private and Home: Where Should One Start?

“True knowledge potential exists in the west due to overwhelming resources at our disposal, which can transform this knowledge into power for the individual such that it equips them with a vision that broadens their horizon and scope of activity in this world,” shares Imam Jawad. The key word here is: resources. The educational system in the west is overflowing with resources utilized in the classroom. These resources however are not limited to the actual learning environment. Instead, the World Wide Web has become a stepping stone for teachers, students and parents to tap into the wide array of tools that exist online. Muslim parents are raising their children in a society that provides educational toys for infants up until they are adults, along with the availability of utilizing technological devices at home such as computers and phones as key learning tools. But the question remains, with all these opportunities to learn at one’s finger tips what option is the best?

As a nervous parent hoping for the best for her child my search for providing a proper education had me discussing this concern with various parents, teachers and educational leaders within community. This dialogue led to the various possibilities that await both my daughter and I when we take our first steps towards actualizing our vision of education. “Before we ever embark upon any journey, we know that it is not going to be without challenges. While there are going to be unique challenges that every family will go through, some of the most common challenges include a lot of dedication, patience and time from my end. But I must say the results are beautiful and worthless Alhumdolillah,” states Mariam Junaid. Dedication, patience and time, are some of the most important factors in not only raising children but also educating them. It is with certainty for parents, whose children are attending the various types of educational institutions, that their role in the education process is key in producing the fruits of their child’s labor. Along with this positive reinforcement, awareness of their child’s needs and passion, as well as the difficulties in expression or subjects are all areas that require none other than parental involvement.

In my search for the best institution there was one flaw that I failed to recognize prior to embarking on this difficult task: each and every individual will support their avenue of education despite the positives and negatives for in the end it was that institution which shaped their personality. So at the end of the day, as I sit and watch my daughter read a book out loud to herself and be the only one to understand her gibberish, it was ultimately the decision of my husband and myself to sift through what we learn from this dialogue and make constant dua that our child be guided towards what is good.

Home Schooling: A New Road for Parents

“The society that we live in unfortunately gives us the impression that every thing has to be institutionalized and we are forced not to look beyond these boundaries set for us in the society we live in,” highlights Mariam. Home schooling is an up and rising trend amongst many parents in the west, both Muslim and non Muslim. The factors that lead to such a decision are the violent crimes in public schools, acceptance of immoral behavior in public school (clothing, language and gender interaction), and financial disability in enrolling in a private school. Such factors add to the increase in mothers putting their careers on hold to raise their children in the safety of their homes. But many argue that doing so can be detrimental to the upbringing of the child.

Having my daughter home with me would be the ideal situation, but would that mean I would be taking away from her complete learning experience? As a mother who was blessed to be brought up with an education that possessed unlimited resources I did not want to restrict my child from doing the same.

“Home schooling provides a highly enriching environment for brain development because of custom tailored curricula/syllabi for individual student. As well as full growth potential for the child, basically the sky is the limit! However, this may serve as a lack of socializing environment for the child, which can lead to an eccentric introvert personality unless proper measures taken,” advises Imam Jawad. Socializing is a recurring point in the arguments made against home schooling. The educational resources without a doubt are readily available in bookstores, online, libraries and home schooling networks, but what does one do about interaction?

“We want our children to be thinkers rather than mere parrots of other children’s thoughts. The more independent and self-directed they are going to be in their values and skills; they will largely avoid peer dependency. As a researcher (Holt) pointed out, human beings tend to behave worse in large groups. As a result, children in school learn to be cliquish, conformist, bullying and teasing. Human virtues like kindness, patience, and generosity are best learned in intimate relationships, such as those within the family.

My children have a full social life without school. They joined activities such as soccer, baseball, tennis and countless other group activities and one prevailing above all these is memorizing Qur’ān,” shares Mariam. This point alone made me think about the Muslim youth of today. Would there exist an identity crisis if they were able to grow up without the influences of another child’s thought?

Public vs. Private School: Not an Easy Choice

As Muslim Americans are increasing in numbers so too are the masajid and full time Islamic schools that become their first project. Young Muslim professionals who are having tremendous difficulty in finding jobs often accept teaching positions in Islamic Schools as an alternative until they get a break in the professional world. As a result many schools are steering away from the normal housewife teacher and more towards individuals who can relate to the issues of children being raised in this society.

“Islamic schools provide a healthy environment, are conducive to nurturing kids in Islamic moral values, and provide an enrichment of young minds. Unfortunately, many have very high tuition rates therefore making it unaffordable for many and more importantly sub-standard teaching at times due to lack of resources,” share Imam Jawad. Sadly, this is the case for a majority of Islamic schools in the west. With many making their own way towards this uphill struggle of providing the best, the price tag the comes with it becomes burdensome for most. Islamic schools must factor in each and every expense unless certified to receive government grants. Since many are not or do not know how to become certified they in turn have to charge the community through endless fundraisings and the parents through increased tuition in order to stay afloat. Furthermore, resources besides what is online become limited and outdated which limits the potential growth of students unless parents are making the extra effort at home.

Nevertheless, a fulltime Islamic school serves as an institution to instill within the child morals and values that public school simply are not allowed to. Many parents breathe a sigh of relief knowing that their child is being taught about Islam along with other subjects and teachings. However, do parents have to give up their opportunity to raise their child free of cost and with unlimited resources merely on the fear that they will be unable to maintain their child’s Islamic identity if enrolled in a public school?

“Public school provides the aptitude for enhancement of personal skills provided the child circumvents the liabilities of environment,” highlights Imam Jawad. The reminder here is to steer clear of the liabilities of this schooling environment. This thought alone brings many valid fears in the hearts of Muslim parents. With the disorganization seen in some Islamic Schools and the often times unaffordable tuition rates many Muslim parents are hoping to appease their hearts by sending their child to public schools and enrolling them in weekend Islamic schools in order to maintain a balance.

I think of my daughter’s future all the time, in what foods she eats for maintaining her health, in what she wears in ensuring her safety from sicknesses, and in what she learns in hopes of her becoming an empowered Muslimah. As in all walks of life, the decisions of grave importance provide no clear cut answer and require much thought and prayer to be guided towards what is the best for us. There is the recurring thought that the education does begin and end in the home. Furthermore, parents must play an active role in ensuring their child is given his and her right to a proper upbringing. Not only that, but also to provide their child with the best resources one can afford in order to produce well rounded individuals who in turn can be positive members of society. In hopes of raising leaders, parents are advised to interact with their children on a daily basis to understand the desires of their child and to encourage them towards good. Every day is a day to learn something new so let’s get to it.

*In order to maintain the privacy of the sister interview her name has been changed*

http://www.icna.org/family/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=151&Itemid=4

INVITATION: ‘Women Living Islam in the West: Striking the Balance’

“To work or not to work?” “Am I practicing on Islam or enslaved by culture?” “What are my ‘rights’ and what are my ‘responsibilities?’”

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PROGRAMME 2: FOR YOUTH, FRIDAY 17TH JULY IN SHA ALLAH

‘From Darkness to Light:
What is the way Forward for Young Muslims Seeking Allah?’
PROFESSOR TARIQ RAMADAN SHEDS SOME LIGHT ON THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION IN A LIFE-CHANGING WORKSHOP FOR MUSLIM YOUTH.

(includes a community sneak preview of ‘New Muslim Cool’ the newly released, much-talked about American documentary, featuring Puerto Rican rapper, Hamza Perez’s ride through the streets, projects and jail cells of urban America, following his spiritual journey to some surprising places – where we can all see ourselves reflected in a world than never stops changing)

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