How To Respect Your Teens’ Privacy

Source: MuslimMatters.org
by Sadaf Farooqi

Teenagers — youths at the threshold of adulthood, still harboring a carefree, emotional child within, need their parents to empathize with them during the rocky, transitional phase of adolescence.
From bawling infants requiring round-the-clock care, to toddlers that break free and run amok, to preschoolers learning to scribble and being read to, to hyperactive tots who love to help around the house and play with toys, parenting takes us on one roller coaster ride after another.
Just when we think it will get easier, one fine day, these munchkins have morphed into teenagers: awkward, lanky, self-conscious, acne-faced and aloof. “Where did that friendly child of mine disappear?” you wonder.
Do not worry; your offspring will resurface in good time. Meanwhile, here is what you should keep in mind when dealing with them from now on:

Recognize the signs

In the past, you could barge into your “children’s” room at any time, without knocking; shouting instructions off the top of your head, you could drag them out of bed to make them clean their room. No more of that, now, Ummi. Your teenagers will begin to indicate their privacy needs through body language. It might be a scowl when they are asked a question they find invasive, a tantrum when you go through their closet to look for something, or an outright wrangle with a sibling when the latter enters their room while they are studying.
Do not take all this personally. It is a natural endeavor to establish boundaries around their ‘personal space’, in which they can retreat for privacy, which is a genuine need at this age. They are transitioning into adulthood, and a need for privacy or space is natural. In addition, they will stop disclosing each and every detail about their lives and/or feelings to you, as they did before – this is a step towards establishing intangible, ‘emotional’ boundaries around themselves.

Provide them this “space”

As parents, we should not take offense at our teens’ increasing aloofness with us or their frigidity in social gatherings. The best way to console ourselves is to think, “This is just a passing phase.” It really is. They need us to back off with the physical and verbal expressions of love and to treat them more like adults. The best way to make them feel appreciated is to delegate some adult tasks to them and to respect their opinions on matters.
Ideally, teenage girls should not be sharing a bedroom or bathroom with their brothers or father. If possible, each teenager should have a personal place to sleep and study in, in peace, and a locking closet that younger siblings cannot get into. However, if this is not possible, especially in large families, you can improvise and think out of the box. Renovate your garage, gazebo, tool-shed (no kidding!), attic, study, or balcony/terrace to set up a small personal place for your teenager, such as a desk with a bookshelf. Most of all, expect your teenager to withdraw into this space for a few hours everyday.

Make sure they know that you are still the boss

What parents must be careful about at this stage is to maintain the tricky balance between keeping a strict but discreet supervisory eye over their teenagers and giving them freedom and independence. Teenagers should be made to realize that garnering trust and “adult” privileges (e.g. using the Internet in privacy, going out alone, driving the car, or possessing a personal cell phone) comes with responsibilities and restrictions. These adult privileges must be earned after proving themselves to be trustworthy, responsible, honest and morally upright youngsters – especially regarding fulfillment of Islamic obligations and duties. Conversely, they should know that any breach in their parents’ regulations or intentional treachery can immediately result in the elimination of these privileges.

Talk about their interests without probing

If you really want to know why your fourteen-year-old daughter is so glum since she came home from her friend’s house, instead of asking her outright, you can start a casual conversation with her by telling her about your day. Then you can ask her how she liked the snack you packed for her.

“Parents often don’t understand that their adolescent is resistant to questions for two good causes. Adult questions are not only invasive of privacy, they are emblematic of authority. They expose the inequity between adolescent and adult. The adolescent is expected to be answerable to the adult authority, not the other way around. Being repeatedly questioned by an adult can feel threatening, and agreeing to answer can feel demeaning.” – Dr. Carl Pickhardt, “Surviving (Your Child’s) Adolescence“, PsychologyToday.com

Teenagers usually take the bait and start talking once they know they have a sympathetic ear. What they do not like is the interrogative probing. Know that the torrent will come out at some time; just make sure you are there for them when it does.

Watch your tone

If your teenager mentions something about their friends or recreational activities that you find objectionable, do not jump into “tyrannical-lecturing-parent” mode immediately. Let it pass then, but perhaps express your disapproval by remaining silent or not laughing (e.g. if they crack a joke in bad taste, use a curse word, or talk about an elder disrespectfully) or leaving the room to prevent an altercation. Later on, once you find a secluded spot and a quiet moment, talk to them about the behavior that is not appropriate. Keep it short (remember, they hate lectures) and never, ever make the mistake of scolding or reprimanding them in public, before their peers, or in front of siblings. Also, do not tattle to your spouse in front of the whole family as soon as the latter walks in from work. This will make your teenager feel as if you betrayed their trust.

Keep up-to-date with what is going on in ‘their’ world

As a teenager, I remember naively thinking that my parents knew nothing about all the “cool” stuff in “my” world – one that revolved around my friends, slang words, glossy fashion magazines, music, movies, pop idols, makeup, supermodels, dirty jokes and romance novels. What teenagers do not know is that even their parents went through this phase, and know exactly what they are going through.
Read newspapers, magazines and blogs to understand all that is new in the youngsters’ world, including the slang words and sly jokes that teenagers use during conversation. Keep yourself updated; become the technologically and fashionably “with-it” parent whom they can proudly introduce to their friends when the latter visit. However, remember that you will still be feared and revered by your teenagers; hence, you will not exactly be welcome to ‘hang with’ their friends. Therefore, do not take your teenager’s embarrassment and awkwardness personally when you walk in on or sit with their friends for a while. Most likely, your departure will elicit sighs of relief all around!

Be the “toughie” friend outside their clique

As a parent, know that your teenagers will probably consider their friends clique the center of their universe for a few years but will come crying to you when they hurt them in any way. Your role as parent to a teenager, is not “the hand that feeds them or bathes them”, but rather “the friend who is always there” when needed. In addition, you must not be afraid to become the occasional ‘warden’ or ‘bad guy’ when the need arises; someone who is there to set limits, enforce rules, check performance, and unfortunately, as a last resort, exact appropriate retribution to wrong behavior.

Establish a rapport with their educators

If your teenager goes to school, establish a rapport with their teacher by casually talking to him or her about your ward’s progress and behavior at school. This will establish your concern as an “involved” parent; someone who can be approached easily if they want to discuss something about your teenager’s progress at school.

Do not go through their private things

Unless you want your teenaged son or daughter to brand you as “the enemy”, do not go through their stuff behind their backs, unless it is absolutely necessary. Do not read their diary (if they keep one) or go through their journals, notebooks, desk, dresser, closet, school bag, clothes, or accessories without a valid reason. You need to realize that they are no longer children and that your role has changed. If you do not tread with extreme care, you might cause irrevocable damage to your relationship with them, which is at a fragile, volatile stage.
Your focus throughout your children’s adolescence should not be just establishing and enforcing stringent rules, restrictions, curfews and chore-lists. Rather, you should also give importance to maintaining open, heart-to-heart communication, providing an understanding and sympathetic ear, and giving emotional support. You will need to relinquish some control in their lives, and instead, learn to delegate tasks to them in order to build their confidence as “wannabe” adults and make them feel trusted. The more teenagers believe that their parents trust them, the less likely they are to break rules or to disobey them.
Lastly, if a breach of trust on their part gets them punished, but they follow it with sincere repentance, ratification and consistent good behavior, you as their parents, should embody humility and justice by retracting their punishment and allowing them honorary privileges once again.
This will convey the valuable message to them that, just as Allah always accepts His penitent servants’ repentance and opens the door for them to a new beginning, so do you, as their parents, accept and appreciate atonement. They should know that you will continue to have hope in them to reform after a lapse in good behavior and are always there for them as their “rock” during these stormy, hormone-charged, formative years of their lives.
Thereafter, you can sit back and enjoy as they come to you, again and again, looking for a hug, a heart-to-heart conversation, and emotional catharsis over warm, homemade brownies and a cup of hot tea.

This article was first published in SISTERS Magazine.

4 Weeks… What is your kid getting up to???

Wondering what to occupy your child with this holiday??…
Stressing to keep them busy and out of the wrong places and company??

Then Feel free to involve them in any one of our activities below ….

Day at the Park
Venue: Essenwood Park
Date:17/06/10 (Thursday)
Jumping Castle, Soccer/Cricket, Sausage Braai, Snacks etc
10.00 to 15.30
There will be future outtings of this nature but subject to the turn out at this first one.
R30.00 per a child

Horse Farm
Venue: South Coast
Date: 22/06/10
Departures from Sparks Rd Musjid parking. 3 times for the day, 9.00 12.00 14.30.
Learn about a horse in general, get a chance to interact and feed them and be taken on rides.
R50.00 per a child.

Adventure Day
Venue: Nothern Berg
Date: 2 weeks time.
Departures from Sparks Rd Musjid Parking.
The ultimate kids Adventure Program – high speed, adrenalin and quick thinking! This full day program challenges participants on all levels – it requires team work, lateral thinking, facing fears, trust and listening – all of which makes for a day the kids will never forget
Extreme Cable Tour
An exhilarating ride along a series of 6 zip line cables suspended 20 meters above the ground. Reach speeds of up to 60km per hour on the fastest Cable Tour in the Country. Guides escort you on an easy 12 minute walk to Platform One. From here you ride in a seat harness on a series of ten ton cables between platforms 20m above the forest floor. Guide operated braking systems ensure you a smooth and safe landing on each platform. You don’t have to do anything except enjoy the ride!
Burma Bridge The team must split into 2 groups and line up facing each other on each side of the Bridge. Pairs must pass each other in the middle of the rope. Participants must not step off the rope.
Paintball Target Shooting Each team member may take 5 shots at the targets
Ninja Warrior Relay Each team member must complete the course without touching the ground as quickly as possible:
Climb on to the platform using only the black holds
Slide down the fireman’s pole
Swing across the gladiator rings
Slide on the mini zip line
Pole vault across to the bales
Complete the tyre traverse without touching the wire at the top
Complete the monkey bars
Jungle Puzzle Solve the puzzle according the rules posted. The team with the fastest time wins an ice cream
Team are allowed 2 minutes to read the rules and discuss a strategy before the clock starts. No tyres may be moved during this time.
This element has a 15 minute time limit.
Rope Swing The whole team must cross this imaginary abyss with out touching down in the middle. If anyone does touch down, the whole team must start again.
Blind Fold Challenge – Shuffle Ski All except 1 of the team members must put on blind folds and stand on the skis to walk to a marked point. The person who remains unblindfolded must instruct the rest of the team. Nobody may touch the ground while the skis are moving. If team members fall off the whole team must stop to allow the fallen team member to remount before continuing.
Bridge Building The whole team must cross the stepping stones using the planks. Nobody may step in the area between the first and last stepping stone. If any person or plank touches the ground while trying to cross, the whole team must start again.
Memory Match Taking turns, each team member must open 1 box from each group to attempt to discover pairs.
King Swing A thrilling climb up a 20m spiral stair case to the top of a pine tree followed by a breath taking traverse of 2 suspension bridges before the hair raising jump out of the tree tops from a 17 meter platform.-OPTIONAL PARTICIPATION
R500.00 per a child for the day including transport and lunch.

Quad Biking/Paintball/Archery
Venue: Central Berg
Date: Two weeks time Inshallah
Departure from Spaks Rd Musjid Parking

Guided outrides for 16 years and above. 3.2km track rides for younger kids.
Archery-Participants will be thought how to use a bow and arrow, and will be coached on firing at a target.
Paintball-The group will be split into teams and need to battle against one another to win the game. It’s an awesome adventure course where participants get to use strategy to defeat the other team.
R500.00 per a child for the day including transport and lunch.

Kruger Tour
The Jewel of the entire holiday!!
Dates: 3 to 8 July including travel time.
Spend 4 days and 3 nights in the awesome Kruger National Park in the company of game rangers and trackers. 5 game drives, 4 day drives and one night drive are the activities on offer. Leave your camp in Kruger after Fajr and only return at Magrib. Package includes all transport and 100% halaal meal/braai costs. People coming along o this trip need only bring themselves and their clothing. EVERYTHING else is provided. From bedding to binoculars. Ants to Zebras. Learn about the Majesty of Allah as displayed in his creation in their natural environments.
A BARGAIN @ R3000.00 per a child.

Please Note…
All activities are Durban based.
All activities must be paid for in full before participation.
Any ages between 8 and 25 are welcome.
All activities will be supervised by Ulama.
Emphasis will be placed on Salaah etc so please come prepared to perform your salaah.
Bookings are essential so please book early to avoid being disappointed.

Any questions/queries please feel free to contact me… Ml Muhammad Haffajee 0312693117/0722657869

THE RAMADAN SYNDROME

By Ebrahim Moosa (Cii Youth Foundation& Crossroads presenter on Cii)

With the Holy month of Ramadan dawning upon us once more, alarm is again  being raised in several quarters regarding the emergence of what has been called an “all new culture” that is steadily gaining sway over large segments of the Muslim community.

While the month has traditionally been associated with fasting, prayer and an overall increase in spirituality, events of recent years have seen Ramadan become synonymous with music, drag racing and a litany of other vices. Disturbing reports have emerged of Muslims pompously racing their fancy cars, exhibiting their latest amps and sounds or hanging out with members of the opposite gender, often while the nightly Taraweeh prayers are still in progress. What seems to have started off as an innocent weekend pastime has evolved into a fully fledged institution, with most towns having designated areas of gathering where prospective candidates can test the competence and flair of their “done-up” motor vehicles. Though commonly seen as the domains of the young, the number of families and older individuals frequenting these locations has grown steadily in recent years. Concurrently, the age-old problem of loitering at shopping malls, restaurants and in parking lots during prayers has not seemed to have been overcome either.

Community leaders, who have been taken aback by the sheer magnitude of the problems in recent years, agree that there is no quick fix solution to the crisis. What they all emphasize though, is that parents should be more assertive and savvy in taking responsibility and providing living examples for their children. They urge parents to be conscious of the dangers facing their children, to be aware of their whereabouts and not to provide them with the potential tools of their destruction.

However, some community members have also urged caution at laying all the blame solely at the feet of parents, pointing to the lack of strong leadership, supportive counselling forums and progressive Halaal alternatives for the youth. They argue that the decadence in our society, especially during this Holy month, is reflective of the moral climate prevalent in both the home and the various educational and social institutions in the community.

Central to this strategy in Ramadan, is getting young people to see the relevance of the Quraan in their lives. Far from being a book that is merely whizzed off in supersonic Taraweehs of Khatams, they need to be prompted to acquire the correct understanding of its meanings. Fasting too needs to be appreciated as being more than just a mere aesthetic changeover. It should be understood as a state of being that involves one ‘fasting’ with the ears, eyes and all other organs of the body.

Ramadan should also engender a broad social awareness that would see youth actively assisting the underprivileged to overcome their difficulties.

It is evident that the toxic cocktail of designer clothing, flashy cars and “pumped-up” sound systems has soured many a Ramadan in the past. An immediate panacea to the crisis does not appear attainable. Nonetheless, with the community actively channelling its creative thoughts and energies into positive avenues that can help remedy the problem, one can only hope that the true spirit of spirituality, kindness and goodness in Ramadan, can once more be rekindled.

Advices to Parents:

1.      Ensure that your children are present in the Masaajid for

Taraweeh Salaah.

2.      Create the spirit of Ramadhaan in your homes through recitation of Quraan, Zikr, Ta’leem and Salaah.

3.      Encourage your children to occupy themselves in beneficial and productive activity.

Advices to Youth

1.      Guard your gaze

2.      Guard your tongue

3.      Ensure you perform all your Salaah including Taraweeh

For more info on Cii youth foundation log onto: www.ciiyouth.com

<http://www.ciiyouth.com/>  or call Ml. Mohammad Seedat on 084 584 7733

INVITATION: ‘Women Living Islam in the West: Striking the Balance’

“To work or not to work?” “Am I practicing on Islam or enslaved by culture?” “What are my ‘rights’ and what are my ‘responsibilities?’”

JOIN PROFESSOR TARIQ RAMADAN AS HE UNRAVELS THE ANSWERS TO THESE, AS WELL AS THE MANY OTHER ISSUES FACING MUSLIM WOMEN LIVING IN THE WEST.

VENUE: Visitors’ Complex, Durban Botanical Gardens

TIME: 6.00pm to 9.00pm

COST: R150 pp (includes a light meal)

PRE-REGISTRATION IS COMPULSORY.

CALL 076 871 7696 OR 076 871 7691 TO REGISTER.

(REGISTRATION CLOSES AS SOON AS CAPACITY IS REACHED)

** *** ***

PROGRAMME 2: FOR YOUTH, FRIDAY 17TH JULY IN SHA ALLAH

‘From Darkness to Light:
What is the way Forward for Young Muslims Seeking Allah?’
PROFESSOR TARIQ RAMADAN SHEDS SOME LIGHT ON THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION IN A LIFE-CHANGING WORKSHOP FOR MUSLIM YOUTH.

(includes a community sneak preview of ‘New Muslim Cool’ the newly released, much-talked about American documentary, featuring Puerto Rican rapper, Hamza Perez’s ride through the streets, projects and jail cells of urban America, following his spiritual journey to some surprising places – where we can all see ourselves reflected in a world than never stops changing)

VENUE:  North Beach Conference Centre, John McIntyre Rd
TIME:    13 to 17 year olds:  3.00pm to 6.00pm
18 to 30 year olds:  7.00pm to 10.00pm
COST:   FREE*

* SEATING IS LIMITED TO 100 PEOPLE PER SESSION, AND YOU WILL HAVE TO PRE-REGISTER FOR THIS PROGRAMME BY CALLING 076 871 7696 OR 076 871 7691. IF YOU DO NOT PRE-REGISTER, YOU WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO ENTER. UNFORTUNATELY, SMS-ED REGISTRATIONS WILL NOT BE ACCEPTED.

PROGRAMME 3: FOR EVERYONE, SATURDAY & SUNDAY THE 17TH AND 18TH OF JULY
IN SHA ALLAH
‘In the Footsteps of the Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu ‘alayhi wassallam’
PROFESSOR TARIQ RAMADAN DRAWS LESSONS FROM SELECTED INCIDENTS FROM THE LIFE OF RASULULLAH SALLALLAHU ALAYHI WASSALLAM
A riveting weekend seminar for anyone interested in deriving knowledge from the Seerah, and deriving wisdom from that knowledge

VENUE: Senate Chamber, University of KZN, Westville

TIME: Saturday:  9.00am to 5.00pm
Sunday: 9.00am to 1.30pm
COST: R150 pp (includes lunch on Saturday & refreshments throughout)

PRE-REGISTRATION IS COMPULSORY.
CALL 076 871 7696 OR 076 871 7691 TO REGISTER.
(REGISTRATION CLOSES AS SOON AS CAPACITY IS REACHED)

*** *** ***

Please note that a wide selection of Professor Tariq Ramadan’s books will be available for sale at all of the above-mentioned programmes.